My Life

its official

2012-01-15T19:58:00.000-06:00

Its official, Im moving back to LA. I couldn't be more excited and scared all at the same time. I had asked Holy Spirit to speak to me about LA last night and often, one of the ways I feel that God speaks to me is thru songs, so this morning, I woke with the one line of a song in my head,

la la la la la, means I love you

and as we all know that LA is often referred to as LaLa land, I took that as, go get'm tiger.

I will let nothing stand in my way of what I am called to do and the influence I know that I will have on this world. My platform has always been a large one. So again as I journey with God, I am stepping out in faith. I forgot how invigorating it is to follow God and step out, It makes me feel alive again. I have his promises ya know, and I believe, I have faith. I can't wait to see what happens.

One thing that I have learned is this, if you arent scared even a tiny bit, its prolly not God. haha. Its natural to have some fear, but its more natural to let love and faith rule your heart. I will choose it everytime. faith... yeh, faith. Sounds familiar, I like that..., yeh I think I'll stick with that. I believe, thats righteousness and that keeps me close to God, so Im gonna stick with that.

2012. year of fulfillment

2012-01-01T23:42:00.000-06:00

When Esther was being prepared to marry the king, she went thru a year preparation time. The first 6 months were a time of myrrh. Myrrh was a oil that was used for healing the body, it actually went down to cellular level and started a healing process. After the 6 months of healing she went thru 6 months of pampering. Myrrh was still used but there was more focus on the perfumes and other oils. She was to be presented to the king "spotless, free of blemish". I feel like I have been on this journey for the last 6 months of serious inner healing. I feel like I have started a journey that most are not willing to go on because it is so painful. Healing isn't the most fun but the most needed to have fun. I have been emmersed with myrrh in this last season, I know that there is still healing that needs to be done, but i also know that I am coming into my pampering season as well. I believe that this is what God is wanting to do. He is wanting to do it on a corporate level because its about to happen in our nation and we have to be ready. We have to be healed. One of the reasons that we can not go after our healing is because of lies that we have come into agreement with. And if we are not believing the truth, we are believing lies which is agreement with unbelief. The children of israel were not allowed to enter into the promise land because of unbelief. Its says (paraphrase) that "because you did not believe you could not enter" then it says " your sin has kept you from entering". So what was the sin? Unbelief. and unbelief is fear, and fear is lies. the promise land had their healings, the land of milk and honey. the promise land is your ' career, talent, gift, annointing, whatever you wanna call it" But before we can get there we have to come out of the agreement with the lies so we can get healed and walk into the promise land.

i missed you today

2011-12-26T19:53:00.002-06:00

im on this road, im far away
im sitting here, i cannot stay
to many things are on my mind
concentration is to hard to find
i want to live out loud
verbally im crowded

here it goes
i missed you today
the warmth of your smile
the light in your eyes
the truth that out weighs the lies
if i could tell you
if you could hear
youre far away
i missed you today

it wasnt suppose to look like this
what ive been told
ignorance isnt always bliss
its all coming out
its not sweet, its bitter
this silent shout
of telling you

i missed you today
the warmth of your smile
the light in your eyes
the truth that out weighs the lies
if i could tell you
if you could hear
your far away
i missed you today

will it ever be what it looked like before
can it be simple, or a closed door
the old is new
this is heavy not knowing you
a hushed cry deep inside
is silently screaming
what i cannot hide

i missed you today
the warmth of your smile
the light in your eyes
the truth that out weighs the lies
if i could tell you
if you could hear
youre far away
i missed you today

back to love

2011-12-26T15:51:00.000-06:00

bigger is better and beauty wins
perfection is perfect to a flawless end
leading us to unrealistic expectations
simplicty is more, wanting at loves door

where are we living
in a world built with stone
everything is cold, no warmth to hold
where are we living
in a world built with stone
lets go back to love, lets go back to love
made with us

greetings and meetings new faces and places
where does that leave you and I?
parties and shawtys, high rollers and ballers
I don't look like her and dont act like him
how can we survive?

where are we living
in a world built with stone
everything is cold
where are we living
in a world built with stone
lets go back to love, lets go back to love
made with us

empty and shallow, my vainity has left me
fames monster, bigger is better
money and luster
show me ugly, show me poor
strip me of insanity

where are we living
in a world built with stone
everything is cold
lets go back to love, lets go back to love
on a road made with us

change...

2011-12-21T19:35:00.000-06:00

is inevitable. And boy how does it change so fast!!! well, i guess only change is the only thing that is consistent. All I can do is hope :)))

closure

2011-12-19T19:47:00.001-06:00

today I sit here not feeling well, reflecting on life and what is to come. Even in my excitement of life, you still come to mind, although Im letting go and moving on. I still wish that you would be the person that I get to share life with but I also know that I cant do that with the state of mind that you are in, and dont want to be sharing life with someone who isnt sure that is what they want with me. I want someone who is head over heels in love with me and cant live without me, someone who knows my flaws and still loves me to pieces anyway. Someone who respects me and I him. someone that I can laugh with at anytime, in the low and high points. I need someone who looks at life, glass half full. I need someone who believes in HIMSELF, and who loves HIMSELF regardless of how life has turned out. Someone who believes in forgiveness more than pain, and someone who believes in LOVE. I wish that you were that person. Im sorry your life isnt the fullest of what you want it right now, but honestly that is your choice. If you or I arent where we want to be, we are the cause, no one else. I hope that in the future that when life brings you the tools to heal, to love and recieve love that you allow it to do so. If you do, I promise that you will have the life that you have always dreamed of!! I can promise you that. Life is about perspective. Change your mind, and it will change your life!! Godspeed in your journey of finding you, and I will always hope the best for you :))

time to see

2011-12-15T21:47:00.002-06:00

something is about to change. im not sure what it is, but im sure that it will. it always does. one thing that you can always count on is change. and Jesus. but change will always happen. my life is always changing whether it is suttle or drastic. it always happens. no matter how much i try to hang on to the old, new is always birthed. and sometimes because i am holding on to the old i cant see the new, i cant see how good it is for me. sometimes we are blind to what is really going on. to what is really happening before our eyes, and although we see it, we really dont "see" it. so what does it take to see it. what does it take in life for our eyes to open? what is it in life that makes us see with our hearts. is it a glimpse into the future. is it a silent stare in the eyes of a strange that you connect with but you have never met. is it a small touch of a person that loves you, but you really felt it in that touch. is it in a letter that is written in your heart that no one knows about, but you think of it often. is it in a one-liner of a person you have heard speak at a random event. is it in a friend or a person that is dying before you. is it in a reationship that opens every part of your heart that you didnt even know exsisted. what is it? what makes us come alive? is it the small things in life. is it the big things? what is it? what makes you see from the eyes of your heart? what is this thing that every person in life is looking for..... well i cant answer all those questions. but what i can do is tell you of my experience. i know that my life is small, but will make a big difference in every persons life that i come into contact with. the one thing in life that makes me see from the eyes of my heart is love. no matter how much i have been hurt by life, i know that love is the most challenging thing there is, the most invigorating, uplifting, selfless, hurts like hell, feels amazing , life giving thing there is. it will make you come alive, if you let it. this is a choice though. something that requires you to step out of the way and give it room to breathe. something that you have to give all control to. if you dont, you could seem a bit skitsophrenic. this is a choice that is made daily. one day it could be easy, and the next hard as hell. why you ask? well because we are people and we hurt each other, walls are built, and so the choice that day is not to love. it hurts to much, if i love, i get hurt. that is the thought process. so we live our lives walking thru life dead. because we are unwilling to take the bad with the good. love is the only thing that will truly make you alive, that is what we were created for. the very thing in life is to love. we walk around life not letting anyone in, except at arms length. im unwilling to recieve your love, because i am afraid, im letting fear control my heart because i could get hurt. im going to be selfish, and not recieve your love or give any love away. you stay there and i'll stay here. that is as close as we get. i can see you from here, i dont need you to come within reach. im afraid, i could get hurt. but if we dare to take the risk, if we dare to take the leap and love with a capacity that is so large and so deep, it is worth it. the world could change in a moment. this is the answer love... just love, no matter the cost. it is simple and easy. just do it

I am happy for you!

2011-11-20T23:17:00.000-06:00

Im glad you are happy. You look so happy. You look full of life and joy unspeakable. I am glad that you are happy. Ive always wanted the best for you. You had my heart for so many years, and it was broken and shattered, and its taken a REALLY long time for me to pick up the pieces, I never hated you for it, i hated God. It ruined my relationship with Jesus, with faith, I didnt know what to believe anymore, only from my own experiences. Which was hurt and pain. So I didnt believe anymore. It has taken me a full 7 years to walk out this process of hurt, doubt and unbelief, and a shattered heart. And I can fully say that I have let it go. I let go a while back, but was still not able to talk about it fully. I still felt hurt in my heart towards God about the whole thing. But now, I am so glad that you are married and happily married. You and your wife make such a beautiful couple. Your son is beautiful. I am so full and happy for you. I will always care about you, not in a romantic way, of course, but you were my first love, and I care that you are doing well, for your well being, and your family's. I pray that your relationship with each other only gets better with time and you stay in love, and loving each other to the fullness and you get to enjoy and drink of your wifes life that she carries. You can only better from it. Once again, I am so extremely happy for you...

LOVE....

2011-11-09T21:50:00.001-06:00

Its chasing fear away!!

He exist. I choose hope, faith and the greatest of all LOVE! I choose to believe against all odds. If even just for a moment I get to experience it, it is worth it. To know love, all experiences of pain and loss are worth it, if you get to see love, show love, and experience love in those times. Love is what makes life worth living. Love is a bundle of sacrafice and a life time of rewards. The reward of love far out weighs the sacrafice of what you give up. Choose love, it will ALWAYS win. Your heart will always be healed and whole from choosing love, it may be a messy journey getting there but the end result will be the most beautiful array of colors waiting to be awe-inspired into a life picture! choose love everytime, it will not let you down!!!

I wont let you go

2011-11-01T20:38:00.000-05:00

I wont let you go. I know there is something deep inside that has allowed my heart to open up to you, greater than myself. Weakness is not admitting need, its living with it and never acknowledging it. Yes, I have and can live without you and life will go on, but there will be this empty place inside of me, inside of us. We were created to love. bottom line. created in HIS image, which was out of love which is the only thing we were created for, everything else is just a bonus. All the other great things out of life are what follow from living out of this place of LOVE. Love is what creates life. Love is what makes the world exist, if not we are just a blob of matter that lives life undesigned for anything that matters. My prayer is that you get to experience this love. not a romantic notion but a love that exist, that is greater and deeper than any existence that we have. but in that same breath we can extend it to another and we do. It happens everyday. AS much as I love you, I let go of any expectations that I may have or hope for. I want you to be you completely, unapologetic and totally free. There is nothing that love can't take. It is strong as it is tender. I pray that you will allow love to come in and heal all your wounds and hurts. All the ideals that are not of Love would melt away with the experience of Love!!!

a road paved with glass

2011-10-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

I feel God again. when I am with you, I know that he exist. Something I have longed for my entire life. I knew in spirit and lived it in truth, but waiting for it to manifest it in the natural. 31 years I have waited, and finally alas it has come. Even if this doesn't extend itself on a long term basis, I thank you that I have felt it even for a moment. Knowing this DOES exist and IS worth holding out for. I thank you! I thank you! And I thank God for loving me enough that I would get to experience this.

You are beautiful in body and spirit. You protect and honor. You love with strength and are as tender as a dove. By you being you, I am a better woman. The more I get to know you, the more I want to know. I love being your friend, and feel that I am your biggest fan. Although you would never ask me to give up anything for you, I would gladly do so, to see your dreams come true. I believe in you. Words will never be written of how deep love flows for you. Words could never express. I hope in this lifetime, you will be able to recieve and experience at the very least what you have shown me. I pray that God, life, love will give you everything that you want and need, beyond. My prayer for you that healing and health will overflow from your heart and that if people are touch by an eighth of how you have touched me, they will be 100% percent better of a person than what they were before. Your life has made this earth a better place!!!

Dr. Suess

2011-03-02T21:26:00.000-06:00

Be who you are, and say what you feel. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Today I have been completely inspired by the world famous children's author. Dr. Suess. He has the most profound things to say. here is a link to a site with all his famous quotes. I encourage you to read them and get inspired to LIVE life and be YOU. and no one else.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

click on title... it'll take you there:)

Burn your ships

2011-02-23T19:56:00.001-06:00

lets dream the impossible dream and make it possible... Burn your Ship.

Read this blog, click on the title.

Oscars week

2011-02-21T12:37:00.006-06:00

This week is a busy week. Last week was ghastly. It was a whirlwind of deplorable emotions, and nothing that I care to share. My last blog touched a little on it but not with any substantial information. I am so excited about this week, about today, MONDAY. I love MONDAYS. This week I am doing makeup. I have been assisting Amy Oresman since last summer. I have been doing makeup for 9 years, but in the little time that I have been assisting Amy I feel that I have learned so much. She is truly one of the best makeup artist I have had the pleasure of working with and being around. I feel as a makeup artist I have grown immensely. She has had me do one of her clients, I won't mention names, but she is a "somebody" and she is going to the Oscars, so that means I get to go too. How exciting. I have never been one to "Oooo and Awe" over people that I do not know although they may have stature, its never interested me. But, I am sorry this time I will allow myself. I get to be in the green room with all the Oscar Nominees. Thats pretty fucking cool. So needless to say as anyone would be, I AM EXCITED. so this week I am preparing for it while doing all my other jobs as well. So here is to a great week. I'll keep you posted on the Oscars. Also if you read this, you should check out a great lil blog about all the firsts in LA. Its witty, insightful, full of great things to do and not to do in LA. check it out :) It'll keep you coming back for more..

www.theLAvirgin.com

ghost are never silent

2011-02-19T12:25:00.003-06:00

As 2011 has brought in a new year it has been very intriguing to say the least. The last year of my life has been very GOOD for me. I felt that I was always on the horizon of a better day. Not that there weren't a few stark grey days in 2010, but for the most part it was a violent array of colors. It was like a crisp spring day in May, when you step outside and the wind is slightly blowing the sunshine in every cell of your skin and the bright pink, purple and yellow flowers are screaming out to you to enjoy life. That was 2010 for me. It was like living in LA. 340 days of the year is sunshine and the others are just lucky finds that have been washed up on the shore.... you know that it has to mean something. I feel like 2010 I was the best I have ever been. Healthy in all aspects of the word. Physically, Spiritually and Mentally. I have worked really hard the last 30 years to get to this place, not that I have arrived by any means, but I am fully satisfied and felt like I have worth and meaning to life. I am doing what I love, and what I felt like I came out here for. I decided to go after it and it happened. Do I take all the credit definitely not, well some, but there is a huge universe and God that is committed to aiding me. So, 2010 is awe-inspiring to 2011, which is what we are on to.

2011.

Intriguing. A mystery. A Solvent.

It has come like water and dissolved 2010. It no longer exist. The present is what is here. I started reading the "power of now" again and finished it. something I like to do since have read it the first time, read it every 4 or 5 months, to keep it fresh. So as I re-read this book its a simile to the bible, because every time I read it I feel like I get something NEW from it. Like it is always speaking to me. So its now February and I finished the book and already I feel as though I am an onion and new layers are being peeled off and the more you peel the more you cry, because the potency of the onion has been capsulated within the walls of the skin and been on lock down, now that oxygen has been added to the mix, it permeates the environment, causing tears. Not that I have really been crying,because I haven't which is odd for me. I feel like for the majority of my life, I have my head on straight. I am very aware of myself and others. Sometimes you don't know that I am, but I am. Especially when it comes to areas in my life that I need to work on, I mean for the most part who isn't aware of their issues. So I am diligent and when they come up I work thru them making me a better person. I am confident and strong. Kind and loving. Not perfect, but I am a good person. Singleness can make your reality completely different than when you are in relationship with someone. In my single life, I am EXTREMELY CONFIDENT. I like, no I love myself. I love who I am. I am free and independent. I am funny and kind. Thoughtful. a good friend. I am a great catch. haha, in my single life. But add a person that I am interested in and it throws the whole formula off. In my single life I don't have anyone pushing my insecurities. Because I am the only person that affects me. I don't give that power away, there is no to give it to. Alas, there is, and there are insecurities and there are ghost in the closet that aren't silent. They never are. My ghost of present insecurities have arisen and they are making me want to crawl in the whom of my bed never to deal with again. Its scary and exciting all at the same time. After re-reading "The Power of Now" I always come to the thought of " God bring up my fear, so I can deal with it". So, that is exactly what is happening, yet again another piece of the puzzle is being tampered with trying to find where it belongs. only this time, hopefully it won't take 30 years to process. Its so intriguing to me how this intangible "thing" can cause so much disillusionment. So here to live in the present, to live in a truth, a reality that only betters my life and others. I find myself on a journey, emotional, spiritual, and mental of constant. It never ends. 2010 was a good break to put into practice what I have learned. And now after a summer break I am back in school. I am happy to be back in school, I LOVE LEARNING, although it can be a lot of energy, its the best kind. so here is to the ghosts in my closet, I hope they are never silent.

Life in Los Angeles

2010-12-01T00:33:00.003-06:00

Life in LA. I have been here for 3 going on 4 years now. Upon moving here I thought that I had a lot to offer The great city of angels. I had great hopes and aspirations of inspiring a generation( meaning a group of people) with faith and truth. To live a life motivated by truth, honor, integrity and love. Here I was humble and lowly, but my life would stand out and provoke the human heart and nature and change life as we know it. I was going to be a makeup artist to the stars. Or I would be discovered. Which ever came first. So, @ 27 I uprooted myself from a farm town big city called Nashville and viola, poof, magic here I was. After a few months my life in LA was not near as angelic as I had hoped. It was quite the opposite, all my demons had surfaced with an esoteric history unbeknownst to me. Not that I thought I was perfect but close to it. As all the ghosts in my closet decided to surface I was looking for a panacea, something to make it all go away to disappear never to be seen again, maybe even go back into hiding, which ever was easier. In my first months of living in LA I had self diagnosed myself with schizophrenia. One day I was sane and the next I wasn't. One day I was angelic in living and the next my demons were out. I wasn't sure which was truth, all I had to grip with slippery hands was my past, which wasn't the brilliant colors I had hoped for either, so my future nor my past was bright, and all I knew to do was go forward. I moved from Nashville, knowing that my life needed something different. So here is a little sparkle, twinkle, a light into my journey. You will find that in my future writings how my life has been truly blessed, sad, loved, happy, funny, fun, irresponsible, dangerous and completely life altering. All the way from my past, into the future and always in the present.

to be continued....

Me and No one else

2010-10-10T11:46:00.003-05:00

I just wanna be me and nobody else
When i look in the mirror I wannna see my own choices i've made, the real and not fake. truth and the lies
i'm in the process of believing truth while walking away from the lies. sometimes the lies pull me back in because it feels like truth and it was what I wanted to believe, it was so much easier and felt so much better. But i know that in the long run, truth is always better and it is the true version of who I am and who I want to be. so taking time away and sorting myself out. I realize that this life has so much more to offer me with you not around than when you are with me. Does my heart feel sad and lonely, sure it does, but not because you aren't here, but because you were and now you aren't. It says something about me, where i was and where I want to be. maybe that is still a lie or maybe it is reality, all the while knowing there is a greater truth. that is who I wanna be and no one else.

Productive

2010-07-19T10:34:00.001-05:00

Today is a productive day. I can feel it in my bones. Went to bed earlier than usual and woke up as early as usual but feel so rested and ready to begin my day. Have a ton of things to do... so that is what I am going to do. GET IT DONE!!!

rain

2010-07-16T11:07:00.003-05:00

the rain matches my heart today.

Dreams

2010-07-13T13:10:00.003-05:00

I wanna write about my dreams today. what I am scared of and how I am going to overcome it all.

Fears-

fear of failure- if I feel like I wont be any good at something, then I don't even try. (bummer)

things I haven't pursued bc of fear of failure- dance, singing, acting, painting, playing an instrument...

I pretty much think that is it. I have always wanted to be a dancer. and I can dance, I can move, and if I worked at it I could be really good. Damn that fear. Singing, I use to sing in church, but now that I don't go to church, i really don't sing anywhere. And I can sing good, but if I got voice lessons and sang more often I would get better. Acting, well I have a commercial agent, but I need acting classes, and some are offered to me on wednesdays for fairly inexpensive. why haven't i gone yet? I am scared, I'm gonna be horrible. painting, and playing and instrument, also the same.. I have dabbled in all of these but haven't put in the time for any of them.. because of fear. Its time to get my priorities straight and go after the things that I love. Today is a new day, tomorrow doesn't exist, yesterday is gone. All I have it NOW. Perfect. I just inspired myself. hahaha. I am on this.

Great Love

2010-06-04T17:30:00.004-05:00

Whenever there is a period at the end of the sentence, a new sentence always starts and a comma comes in at some point. Maybe not soon after, but at some point a comma will be used. A comma comes in to take a pause, to reflect, and then keep moving. A period happens to end a thought, a statement. period, the end. nothing comes after it. it is done. But have not fear, another sentence will always be written, another word will be spoken, another thought will take place. Even though a period is the end, another word will be said, a comma will come in after.. there is never an end. Life is always taking place. Love is always happening. The circle of life will always be happening, it is up to you to join. Something Good is ALWAYS on its way. ALWAYS. I believe in goodness, and I believe in Love. I believe that love never fails. It always wins. It may not look the way you want it to but it will always have the outcome that it is suppose to. Altho I am a little heart broken and in a comma phase, I will move on and something new will start again. whether it is with the same guy or a new one, when it starts again it will be NEW. and the way it is suppose to be. BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING. Life always has GREAT LOVE to offer. you just have to be in a place to recieve it.

I can say all this because of who I know and what I have experienced to be true. And that is a truly amazing creator. GOD.

If you live like this... KNOWING that there is always GREAT LOVE, your life will be changed :)

Expect nothing and Accept everything...

Uncertainty

2010-06-02T16:03:00.003-05:00

"Ehhh hmmm, excuse me... Hi my name is _______"

"Hi my name is Priscilla"

At any point this exchange happens between a man and a woman. He sees you, you see him..he comes over, you smile, he introduces himself, you introduce yourself, and if you are lucky there is a good conversation/connection that takes place. He asks for your number, you go out and it goes from there. More often than not, a second date doesn't take place. but when it does, you are hopeful that a third and fourth will come from it... and if that happens then a nice relationship will blossom.. after a 3 weeks or so..you realise that you are completely twisted.

( I am a firm believer that it only takes a month or so, to fall in love with someone, there was a study that said 90% of men know within a month whether or not they want to marry a woman. 4 weeks, that isn't long.)

So what happens after this. How do you control your emotions, How do you show enough but not to much?

This situation has obviously happened to me. Unfortunately I have found out some information that has put our "relationship" at dead stop. Now with this new 411, and a complete stand still. I have to keep moving, let go and see what comes of it all. Are all relationships this uncertain?! I am sure that in some capacity there is always a level of uncertainty. But today there is a HUGE level. As of now, I want something that I cannot have and my heart is a little heart broken. I have to move on as if it is never going to happen. I have to become unattached from the result that I want and let go.

Expect Nothing and Accept Everything

Epiphany

2009-12-28T20:51:00.002-06:00

"If you aren't happy, that's YOUR problem" Things I have known and lived by for years, until I moved to LA.

Living in Nashville, life without choice is easier. meaning, you arent chossing an easy life, it just is. Relationships, jobs, family. The Value is a bit different. So being comfortable with being me was more natural. People KNEW me, the real me. fun. laid back. free spirit. forgiving. all things good. even my worse wasnt that bad, if i do say so myself. I liked me which enabled others to like me as well. Moving to LA was like having to find myself all over again. it was weird for me, i had lived in London, and Africa. Living in either of those places were easy. It wasnt hard for me, i still made friends, things didnt bother me, i was positive no matter what came my way, even in the negative it was positive. lol. living in those places, I still KNEW who i was and what I had to offer, although they were new places to live it wasnt uncomfortable for me, I knew why I went there. But I could not say that for LA.

I moved to LA on a notion that I would get there and then God would show me what my purpose for being in this city. A city of "singleness" meaning a mindset of only thinking about one thing, yourself., and how loving people to truth of being true to themselves which is ultimately to love, He being God would show me "why" when I got to this city and settled. He would show me How to, when to and what to. He would show me, I would know within myself. But upon arriving it was a completely different journey than i had imagined.

LA will quickly show you who you are and who you are NOT. I always thought about that quote " you havent learned it until its put to the test" All the things I thought I was, I am. But it has definitely been put to the test. Things that I have always wanted to live by: living a life of truth and love, I want to be completely forgiving. Any other way of life is a life of Unforgiveness which harbors anger, bitterness and resentment. It hurts no one but yourself. I had been forgiving of so many unwanted things in life and considering, i thought i accepted life pretty well. But as I continued to live in LA and make choices that I wouldnt have thought to make living anywhere else, i started to really dislike myself. " I cant believe I have made these choices, I know better, I am better than this, How could you" thoughts i had all the time. as time went by, these thoughts were consistent and so was my dislike for myself. but here was the clincher, I didnt know that i was so unforgiving to myself. you see the me I knew, was forgiving. So I didnt know the me I had become, I didnt recognize her, surely I am not that person. If I am displeased with myself enough I will change, if I dont accept this behavior it will change, right?!? it has to. Isnt that what we are taught. negativity, negativity. If I tell myself that i am awful enough, eventually I will change it because I HATE it so much.

For example : say i wanted to lose weight. so everyday i look in the mirror and tell myself that i am fat. you need to lose weight. you are not pretty bc you are fat. if you lose weight THEN you will be pretty. etc...

you see my goal was to be the me i knew and liked, so if i infiltrate my thoughts with what I HATE AND DISLIKE surely it will get strong enuf to force change.

When i was in school, I was taught that whatever you focus on is what you become. EX: If I focus on becoming a great technical singer, then I will do everything possible to become that. I will have thoughts like, I can do this. I am good enough. I have what it takes. take voice lessons, get a voice coach, learn music, etc.. but if i want to be a great singer but all i think about is how i am an awful singer and i cant carry a note, im tone deaf, then it will never inspire the confidence and creativity to become what I WANT to become. We BECOME what consumes our thoughts.

But here is a thought, what if I just loved and accepted myself, just as I am. what if i forgave myself the way I forgive others. what if i loved my body into what i wanted it to be, what if i loved myself into being who I am and who I want to be.

I have the best example of this to learn from.

Jesus.

He died so that we would LIVE. He loves us just as we are and then tells us to do the same thing to ourselves and others. I have said this for years but I am finally putting my own advice to work towards myself. LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING. and if it doesnt change it to what you want, it changes you and then you dont care anymore. LOVE is Perfect. IT CAN NOT FAIL, and WILL NOT FAIL. LOVE. IS. PERFECT.

LOVING MYSELF IS CHANGING MY LIFE.

that was the epiphany. its time to love myself.

Im so..

2009-12-03T22:45:00.003-06:00

in love with you. Jesus. im so in love with you. im so in love with you. Jesus. I love christmas. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. All around the world we celebrate the birth of the most precious saviour who loves us so much. I love this season. I find myself more happy than normal. A constant play of christmas music singing of Jesus on the radio, and every public place we go. I love it. It sings of beauty and grace. A story of love and redemption, a story of forgiveness. It is the most powerful life changing story there ever was. I love the spirit of Christmas. love it. thank you daddy for sending your only son, to love us and therefore die for us, wiping us clean of shame and sin. you truly are such a great daddy. Jesus, there are no words for what you have done. It is the greatest act of love there ever has been and ever will be. Your blood was enough, it was perfect. i love you.
im so in love with you.

no more potentials

2009-10-19T02:33:00.002-05:00

I feel full, well that I am getting to that point at least, I am well on my way. Hmmmm. there is nothing like you, there is no one like you. NONE. and instead of filling my heart with hopeless thoughts of potential, I will just leave it for the concrete:) sounds so much better to me.

lets do this

2009-10-18T12:01:00.002-05:00

Today is the new day of a new week. Here I am ready whatever you are wanting to do in me Papa. This week is a week of surrender completely. I am giving up the internet. and a few other things... I need you to show up. And if you wanted to give me a new job, someone who wanted to give me headshots for free, that would be great too. Papa, lets do this ;)

BODY

2009-10-18T02:33:00.002-05:00

you are perfect. you will be loved just the way you are. you are beautiful in all your flaws. you are loved. you were made to be adorned by all of creation. you are loved. you are the peak of creation made with the utmost beauty in thought. you are loved. when God thought of the word beauty, you are what HE saw. He made every part of your body with simplicity and beauty. every cell that makes you, that makes your skin glowing and radiant, every cell that makes your fingers, toes, hands and feet. you are loved. body, your butt, and breasts, your hair, your arms, your back, your thighs and hips, your knees and calves, you are beautiful, you are LOVED. BODY, you were made to be loved. To be gawked at, you were made to be admired and make the world a more beautiful place.BODY YOU ARE LOVED.

Today

2009-10-09T20:06:00.004-05:00

Today. Today I wanted to run away from all the stuff God is touching. Today I wanted to sit in a dark closed room and fall asleep until morning came. Today, Today I wished was tomorrow. Today I had a revelation. Today I had an epiphany. Today I was dirty. Today I was cleaned. Today I was empty. Today I was filled. Today I was hopeless. Today I was full of hope. Today is still happening. Today will end soon. There has to be so much more, more than today.

what do I want?!

2009-10-07T15:23:00.003-05:00

A question that was asked of me today. WHAT IS IT, THAT PRISCILLA WANTS?!?! hmmm... I do know, but it is always good to remind yourself of those things. so that is what this is.

Obviously, someone who loves Jesus. Committed to the journey of personal healing and health.sensitive to the Spirit of God and also to me.self-aware.loving.tender.FUN.someone who can engage in witty banters back n forth with me.loves people.great communicator.great listener.worshiper.musician.adventurous. someone who enjoys laughter at any moment. doesn't take life to serious.stable.someone who isn't afraid of me. someone who is a leader but knows how to let others lead as well. Knows God. Believes in the things of the Spirit.I want someone who believes that relationship is the one thing that we were created for, that is what life is about.

I just remembered a dream I had last night. I was sorting thru laundry. I was going thru and separating clothes that had been worn and what was clean. What I was keeping and what I wanted. There were things that were colorful (one was a swimsuit) that I had worn, but I really liked it, so i decided to wash it and not throw it out. But there was this big pile of clothes that I was getting rid of. and then another that was just being thrown in the wash. And now here I am re-evaluating what I want out of a relationship. Very interesting. I guess this is food for thought.

Teach me

2009-10-06T13:18:00.003-05:00

Isnt it interesting how God will use the worst (seemingly)in your life to produce the best, sweetest tasting fruit. The freedom and truth that come out all wrapped in love. I can feel the change. I see it. I can taste it. This is good. The phrase it hurts so good keeps coming to mind. It is really interesting to see how life is turning out. I feel really desperate and hungry for God. I have been feeling this way a lot lately, and it had been a while since I had felt this way. I guess in any relationship it ebs and flows. It just sucks when you are wanting to flow and it is eb-bing.

I am up for a new job. I really hope that I can land this job. I would be able to put money into the things that I really feel like I am suppose to be doing. We will see what happens. I love today. I loved yesterday. God produce more love in me, teach me how to love. How to be grateful for where I am at and live in the now, the present. Teach me O'Lord. Teach me to LOVE. Teach me again how to be in your presence and not be jaded by your people. Fill me with Love so that it is overflowing, an overflow that changes people, without even trying. Just by being me. Teach me how to love me. To be me. Give me new songs. Teach me how to extract the fullness of Life from you.

Love, and healing

2009-10-04T12:06:00.003-05:00

I went to bed last night feeling a little introspective. This morning I woke up @ 7am, feeling the same way. I feel like for the most part I am very self-aware. In the last few months I have learned so much about myself. My worth. What I want out of relationships, and what I want from myself, and what I want from God. I want so much more than what I have right now. I haven't been in this place in a really long time. Right now, what is surfacing is a deep deep desire to touch the heart of God for myself and for people. There has to be more than what I have experienced right now. I was seeing this guy for about a month, a quickly realised that I was worth much much more than what he was willing to give. So, I broke it off and didn't look back. I don't feel like my heart was effected by it that much, it was a little disappointing, but also it was so good and I caught it quicker than what I have in the past. So now I have been hanging out with this other guy, but it doesn't seem like he is really that into me. Which is also a bummer, but more than that it touches another part of me that I see needs more healing. I can tell that this wound isn't as deep anymore, that healing has definitely taken place. But I also see that there is still some more healing to be done. I realise that this doesn't have anything to do with me, but that doesn't make the pain any less. I have been feeling it for the last few days, maybe even a week, usually it takes me that long before I can actually figure out what is happening inside of me. But now that I know, I will sit with Papa, and let Him touch the pain so I can be healed, and be free :) I want you God to be my everything. I want my heart healed and whole. I want people to be around me and feel free, loved, and thru that get healing. I want the story of my life to be that I loved well, people got around me and could feel a physical manifestation of Love. Papa, help me be this. Help me be love to all people, to love with out condition. This is my greatest challenge and my greatest reward.

coming down

2009-09-21T01:30:00.003-05:00

I use to be up there. but now I am level. where is the balance. where is the faith in balance. Is everything black and white. or do we walk thru life getting older to find out there is grey as well, and more grey than there is black and white. To admit there is more grey in life than definites is admitting that there is a lot that we do not know. As humans we dont like to admit that we dont know something. I am finding that there is something extremely freeing in not knowing. It kinda gives up the control in "having to know" how it all is going to work out and how it is suppose to work out. I think that there is more faith in the grey parts of life than there is the black and white parts of life. it makes life much more interesting not knowing, knowing that you have to TRUST that everything really does work out for the good of those who love. and LOVE HIM. I love the concept of love. I love God, He amazes me everyday. I hope that I never stop falling in love with HIM.

Im already gone

2009-09-19T00:19:00.002-05:00

sadness arise as tears fall down.
my heart was on the stake when the fires were lit
now it burns with hurt and sorrow
leaving a glimmer of hope
for a better tomorrow

how did i get here once again
why did i let you in
i started to trust
i started to love
i was holding hope in my hand
but you let it go, you let me go
and this is where we stand

im saying goodbye for the last time
im saying goodbye and im not gonna be shy about it
I want you to leave, and never come back
I want you to walk away, and take all the pain that you caused
dont look over your shoulders, cuz im gonna be gone

you keep sending me letters, saying how you miss me
and how you wanna kiss me
and the phone calls never stop, although i never pick it up, when i hear your voice my heart drops.. its a little to late for you to show, that you care,i still love you but,

im saying goodbye for the last time
im saying goodbye and im not gonna be shy about it
I want you to leave, and never come back
I want you to walk away, and take all the pain that you caused
dont look over your shoulders, cuz im gonna be gone

Choices

2009-08-30T23:21:00.002-05:00

My heart is faced with a Choice, two actually. I can choose to face the pain and embrace it and get healing or I can allow fear to rule my life. We make choices out of two places. Fear or Faith. Everything thing we do comes from this place, truth or lies. Fear or Faith they are the same. I am so afraid, afraid that my experiences will be the greater truth in my life. The experience that tells me on a regular basis " you are not worth it", "there is someone better", "I choose someone else". These are the lies that I'm faced with every single day, these are my fears, this is my death. My constant question, will you prove me right? It is such a up hill battle. To combat this lie every single day that has been told to me every single day for all 29 years and that will continue to tell me for the rest of my life. The message that has been spoken silently through all the actions and informal words. "I choose someone else, you are not worth it" A message that came through my father every single day when he never called, came back, knew me, or loved me. " I choose someone else" This wound goes so deep that I use to wonder if even Papa could touch it, did he even know that it was such a resounding rejection every single day of my life. And if He was such a Good God, and Good Daddy and He did know, then to me that still didnt seem like a good Daddy, actually it seemed just like my earthly father. where was the follow thru, where was He when i needed Him as a little girl?! And I'm not talking about in a picture, a vision, a dream, a knowing that He was there right beside me. I was tired of the "spiritual jargin" I needed something real, something tangible. Something existing. Where was He??? This is my death, every day to fight an up hill battle single handed, i dont have the energy Daddy, please dont ask me to do this, I am weak and feeble, it has been a hard winter, im dehydrated, and when i do drink it gets taken away from me immediately, I dont have the strength. Where are you in the physical?? This is a constant medium in my life. Faith combating the fear. which will win? well as my life continues and i choose love, faith will win. Love never fails, this is what I am told and choose to believe, faith and love will win everytime. So I choose truth, I choose faith, I choose love. my fears will no longer paralyze me, but faith will activate any place inside that has been dormant, and will not allow fear any longer, fear will no longer control my life. I CHOOSE TRUTH OVER LIES, I CHOOSE LOVE OVER HATE, I CHOOSE LIFE OVER DEATH, I CHOOSE FAITH OVER FEAR. These are my choices, and they have been made.

todays quote

2009-04-08T17:25:00.002-05:00

yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today a gift, that is why it is called the present.

Am I loveable?

2009-03-01T20:45:00.003-06:00

Have you ever thought about how you have come up with how your worth is determined? I live in Los Angeles the capital of your worth being determined by the way you look. But in other parts of the world our worth is determined by our jobs, our societal status, some parts of the world even our ethnicity, our religion determines as well. There are so many different cultural stigmas that determine our worth. Where did this come from? How did we get from the time we were born “what a precious gift of life, a blessing, it doesn’t matter what you are, you are loved, you are worth it” to the time we become adults of “ if you look a certain way, if you have monetarial value and wealth, if you have a certain social status about you, if” if being the key word. What happens between the time of birth and adulthood? Im sure that most of you have already said something like this in your head or aloud “well life happened” Well yes you are right, but what in life? What happens in our psyche that alters and changes how we see our selves and there fore in the perspective of life changes how we look and have different standards for others. What in our human mind/world said meeting or not meeting expectations is determined your ‘worth”. Now obviously whether you meet the standards/requirements doesn’t measure your value, but we are told that it does. What is the course, the journey that most of us take to get from, “ I can be anything that I want” to “ I am not good enough”. The reason we believe that we can do anything that we want when we are children is because in that one sentence there is a hidden message, there is a message that says “ you are amazing, you are worth even the biggest dream, you have greatness in you, I believe in you”. I am determined to find out what it is exactly that causes us to believe anything other than what we were created with and for. And that is love. On my own personal journey I have found that one small action is more than words that has led to my own hurt of abandonment and rejection. My faltering to believe that I am anything other than loveable. This is my own story of personal struggles and lies I have believed and how I have overcome and still overcoming. A story of hurt, brokenness, faith, hope and love. A story of extreme RISK. Please as I invite you into my story, be willing to go deep into those places where you have the same hurt and brokenness. The end result is freedom, security and extreme faith and love. Touching the pain is worth the healing.

ok people.. i am daring to step out and i have started to write a book. this the intro to it. tell me what you think?

better late than never dreams....

2009-02-08T20:44:00.002-06:00

Goals for 2009:

Learn and begin to master the piano/keys

voice lessons

take a dance class- hip hop and modern

take a sewing class

This is a year that I fully give myself to the dreams that I have long had since I was a little girl....

the time is NOW

Violent grace

2009-01-16T21:04:00.001-06:00

Energize this heart of mine
fill my cup with your fresh wine
kiss me again and again with your violent grace
because I am so in love with you

update

2009-01-09T19:53:00.002-06:00

Yeh well that was short lived. After some revelatory thoughts, I realised that I am a grown woman. And I need a grown man. Thankfully we are still great friends. I mean.... at first i thought that i wouldnt want to be, but thankfully God has taught me and is still teaching me how valuable my heart is and how to guard it and keep it safe. And I did with this one... ooof. Thank God. so no worries people. I am back on track to being the best me i can be with no distractions...... on a journey of becoming fully alive and fully free and fully whole.

Holy Spirit Come

2008-12-30T13:35:00.002-06:00

And here we go again.... this time i am ready. this time with my heart healed. i know where to go when things dont turn out the way i had hoped. this time its someone different. thank God, but this time it is someone even more important to me. so the stakes are a little higher. im totally nervous but do trust that God will sustain me, He always does. When my heart started to change toward this person i wrestled with it, because i wanted to make sure it was legit. so for weeks i didnt say anything except my counselor. and i was advised to just let my heart feel what it feels and see what happens. so i did and 2 months later im feeling the same way. i had planned to not say anything to this person because we are such amazing friends, one of my best. and i didnt want to ruin that if the feelings werent mutual. so i left the ball in his court if he wants to pursue me then he will. well now something has transpired, and things are changed. im not sure what the outcome will be, but i know that God is good enough to give us wisdom so that things will be ok. whatever that may be. Please God come, whatever that looks like.

the unexpected....

2008-12-29T17:06:00.002-06:00

In the last 10 years, i have been that you would often hear saying "expect the unexpected". But, I haven't lived in that place in a long time, well not continually. In the last 48 hours I would definitely say that the unexpected has happened and never in a million years would I have thought what happened, would have happened. I cant say that is bad, it has actually been good. It has stirred my heart deeply surfacing deep affection and deep insecurities. I am so nervous right now as to what to expect or what is going to happen. I have no clue as to what is going to happen. I wanna believe the best. In this area tho, it is easier to believe my experience. I hope that I am pleasantly surprised.

fear or freedom

2008-12-26T23:28:00.001-06:00

Fear! What is fear and where does it come from? Fear is something that I have not been accustomed to, or at least that is what I thought. Not something that had room in my life very often. Most people who have known me, really have known me would say that I am bold, blunt, fearless. Most would claim that I do whatever I want, in a way that is not rebellious. That God speaks and I do it., well that is what I think that people think @ least, and I have also been told these things. This is something that most would want to be said about them. To be fearless is an amazing attribute to have. It is a characteristic that most would aspire to be.

In my life, I have often been fearless, Knowing the power of God in my life. Knowing that His desire is the most powerful, His heart is the most passionate, His love is the love that is most fearless of all, bold as a lion. This is something that we all want to know and live out of. I cant say that I lived from that place all the time but most of the time, this is where I walked and lived from, knowing that I was loved by the most powerful, passionate, fearless , loving creator of all. He is the creator of all. My God who created the earth and seas, the creatures, who created life, who created me! That is who I am, that is who God created me to be as well. To be powerful as He is, passionate as He is, Loving as He and fearless as He is. So, what happened?!? How has fear crept in my life, or has it always been there but I didn’t know that it was because circumstances hadn’t arose to stir or make myself aware that there was fear?!?!?!?!? This is the question that I am asking myself, and the answer that I am searching for. My heart feels extremely raw and tender. I also realized something else, I don’t write anymore. Writing use to be such a release for me, songs, blogs, books, revelations, etc… why don’t I write anymore, well my heart has been shut down for a while, and that has been because fear had crept in, and that’s because I stopped believing, I stopped trusting my most beloved friend. O, Jesus I am so sorry! I am so sorry that I buried you again. I locked you away because my heart was in so much pain, and I couldn’t bare to feel it, it went so deep. I came into agreement with fear, with a lie, with satan. My heart was so broken that to feel what was there, hurt more @ the time than what I thought it would in the long run. Now after 2 years I am starting to feel again, but now I have to feel all the pain I buried. And to do that, I can’t have fear, and if I do have fear I have to chose to meet it with faith. I am on this journey again of opening up my heart. To let my heart be truly alive from the inside. To truly be ALIVE. But I have to face my fears to do that. It is really scary. I have a fear of failure, that might be why I believe things so strongly when I believe something, if I believe enough it cant fail. That’s what I believe of God anyway, well what I want to believe of Him. So maybe if I believe all these other things so strongly and they disappoint me it wont be as bad as if God ( the awestruck, creator of the universe) disappointed me. I just don’t think that I could handle that. And it seems that He has already disappointed me because life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it should. So it is much easier to shut my heart off, and in doing that I have come into agreement with death, with a lie, wasting away, the very opposite of who I am. I have shut out the very thing that I have wanted to be. ALIVE. Fearless, but it has made me fearful. Alive, but my heart has been dying, truth but ive been in agreement with a lie. Wow it is amazing to me how all it takes is one moment, one thought, one agreement and the enemy has his foot hole. Well not anymore. I am in a fight, a fight against death that will provoke life. A fight against brokenness that will cause wholeness and life. I will win because I am believing again the creator of the universe created me to be ALIVE, full of Life, love, passion and boldness. This is who I am. This is who He created me to be. I will face my fears and meet it with faith to overcome. I believe that my God does not disappoint no matter how many lies are thrown @ me. I believe, because believing produces life. When I believe I am alive. I am full. I am walking in a greater truth. I am passionate. I am LOVE. All the things that I desire to be. I look like Him, and that is the ultimate goal. I love my Jesus. He is sweet and tender, just as I need Him to be.

The more I walk this out, this issue of fear, I realize that I have been full of fear. I only do what I know that I am good @, which hasn’t been much. Fear has caused me to be paralyzed in careers, dreams, relationships, in life. I am so glad that a higher truth has been revealed to me, I am glad that I can accept it although hard, and work towards the product that I really want to be. Bold, fearless, FREEDOM and full of God. God often seems to do surgery on us, and almost always right when life seems to be the hardest. I am so excited about this season in my life. I am getting FREE. And my freedom will be contagious. What a great opportunity to show the Love of God. To live fully ALIVE, fully FREE, fully FEARLESS, fully BOLD, fully LOVED, is to live as Jesus. Which is my ultimate goal.

so which do you choose, FEAR or FREEDOM?

i choose FREEDOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!

i miss

2008-08-25T22:08:00.003-05:00

i miss having my girlfriends around me. i miss having REAL friends around me. i miss having people who know me and love me anyway around me. i miss having LOVE around me. i miss laughing with me girls til im crying and cant breathe. i miss just being able to stop by danelles house and seeing whats up. i miss coming home to mallory. i miss yawning over and over again with katieann in the car til we are both laughing so hard that i have to pull over. i miss emily and her most random family.. haha. i miss my late night talks with lareasa about the deep things of God. i miss having a cupa with grace. i miss being so completely xtreme and outrageous with vangie. i just really miss you all. i love you soooooo much. you will never know until you get to heaven how much my heart loves you and how thankful i am that you are in my life, what an honor.

Restored

2008-07-24T19:04:00.003-05:00

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

For the last 2 years Holy Spirit has been speaking to me about unbelief. Unbelief is the only sin under the new testament. It says that God is looking for people of faith (paraphrased). but before there can be faith there has to be hope. hope is the seed of faith. So for the last few years as I've continued in this journey of following Holy Spirit to the best of my ability, i had realised that my heart had become full of unbelief, and that's why Holy Spirit had come to me giving revelation of unbelief and how one small seed can effect your heart like leaven in bread. It spreads like a disease with no boundaries. I had felt as though God had spoken to my heart years before about a certain matter. my heart was full of hope and faith, i knew it was going to happen. Every dream I had came to pass, every word that was being spoken was happening.... i knew this just had to be the Lord. All of the things that had happened how could i not be full of hope and faith, id wait forever. But as the time grew longer and longer my heart was starting to be full of doubt and disappointment, one day at a time. it was so subtle that i didn't even realise that it was happening until it was a year and half later, and by that time it felt like i was so far from where i use to be that the enemy had made sure that my heart was sick. and it all started with one day. that's all it took, one moment in time. All the enemy needs is a small seed. the spiritual laws and principles apply to both sides of the coin. think about it, if all Jesus is looking for is faith the size of a mustard seed, then does it not make sense that its all it takes for the other side as well. one seed of doubt and the enemy has his foot hole. This is nothing to be fearful of but only something to be aware of. So as the this year has approached my life has seemed to be completely a mess... hot tranny mess.... and i wasnt apologizing for it... lol. but i was crying out for the Lord to help my unbelief. I had seen how it was destroying my life and keeping me in a pattern of a downward spiral, ruining my life. The decisions i was making were completely out of my character and not from my spirit, and i was use to living out of my spirit. I could step outside of my body so to speak and see myself and know why i was making the decisions i was making but i didnt know how to fix it. I was a mess. litterally. ooooffff.... it was not cute. but my heart was still crying out for my gift of faith to be restored, for my hope to be restored, for myself to know the Love of my Father again....
out of that cry here is what happened, one day i had this glimpse of a vision:

I was standing with Jesus, and i saw this girl sitting on what looked like a road, and she was in the middle of it. Her back was faced towards me so i could not see her face. As she was sitting on the ground, her legs were crossed and pulled up towards her, her face was in her knees and she was crying. As I looked @ her, my heart broke for her. I could feel that she didnt know the depth of love that was for her from God. She didnt know. my heart was broken, i wanted her to know that she was loved just as she was by God and that He loved her sooooo much. And I was standing by Jesus, His heart was broken for her as well. He was weeping inside wanting to love her so much and wanting her to know. I felt how deep His love was for this broken girl. And as she turned around to see Jesus, I saw that the girl was ME.

I was so completely undone by God. And in a moment I saw how i really didnt know the depth of His love for me and He was going to a deeper level, I realised that if i really knew His love that i wouldnt be so full of unbelief and i wouldnt have made the choices i had made in the last 2 years. I was broken... completely. So once again, proverbs 13:12 came up. He started speaking to me and brought me back to where the seed of doubt and unbelief came into effect when i came into agreement with it. It was a split second agreement, and from there more seeds were planted and in the last years have been growing and watered. I had become someone else. I wasnt the Priscilla that was completely full of faith and believed every word that was spoken to her from Holy Spirit. I had taken one word that hadnt happened in its fullness and created a seed of unbelief because i was hurt and disappointed. Instead of filling the void with Love and healing, it was full of unbelief and hope deferred. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, which the heart controls your entire being. so if our heart is sick then we are, that means we arent alive, we are dead to who we are and what God says about us. We arent in agreement with the word of God so therefore we are in agreement with what the enemy has for us, to kill, steal and destroy every part of who we are. I was that girl on the middle road crying and broken not knowing that she is loved and what is for her, Until the revelation of that vision hit me. there is a second part of that vision but i have to say this first. Until I could fully grasp what the second part of this vision was God had to prepare me. I was crying out for God to help my unbelief like the father of the little boy who was possesed in Mark 9:24. "God I do believe, help my unbelief" So God started to build my hope again so I could have faith. People that ive known for years, who know me, the real me... started calling me reminding me of who i was almost daily for about a week. I could feel the hope starting to grow, and turn into faith. But it was also a choice for me, God asked me several times.. Do you believe? Yes was my cry, i want to. So as my hope and faith are building the most unlikely things happened to build my faith, but it was odd how it has.

My father died.
I moved
my car died on me beyond repair
I lost my job
and without a job soon to be with no money
And there were other personal things that happened...

all of which I had to believe God was completely in. More hurt came up, but i wasnt hopeless. It was wierd.
But it was God, there was no other way to explain it.

During all of this, this all happened in a 3 month time span, I could feel my spirit rising with joy overflowing and life. And trust me i had hit the darkest hour before the dawn, but i started to see the sun rising. the morning was new. After i lost my job, that was the last straw that broke the camels back. I went for a run to run it off. As i was running Holy Spirit spoke to me. He said "are you tired of living faithless?" He said "Priscilla to whom much is given much is required, you are responsible for what you have seen and experienced and what you arent doing with it. You have stepped out of my umbrella of grace and favor because of your unbelief that has led to disobedience because of your heart that has been sick of hope deferred" Immediately my heart was filled with a spirit of repentance. I was running and crying out for His mercy, i looked like a fool because i was really shouting my heart of repentance..... I finished my run with repentance, came home and had an encounter with Jesus, all i did was repent and cry. It was a true revelation of His love for me. I started to look for jobs immediately. I walked for eight hours for days looking for a job in LA. I wasnt finding anything, but my hope, my faith was growing. It was and still is being put to the test. I finally had a job interview after a few weeks with a cosmetic department. I needed a car tho to drive to the interview so i didnt show up all nasty and sweaty. Just put it this way, God showed up. I meet a guy who decided to give me a few days free to rent a car. then someone else decided to pay for the rest so i could have a car to look for jobs and cart my friends around who were in town. That following sunday i feel the urgency to take communion at church and before i take it i say a prayer " God i take this bread and wine as a reminder of your sons sacrafice, for my life, my stability finacially, the gift of faith i once walked in, faith restored, healings and miracles i once walked in, the prophetic and words of knowledge. this is all mine, you died so i could have these things and even more than before, this will be the beginning of a new week, a new season" as i took the communion i saw this picture of a girl who had a bum leg, and I prayed for her and God healed her. so i walk down to the front of the church after it was over, i was waiting for a friend. I saw this girl who had a boot on her leg, i asked her if i could pray for her leg because i was suppose to her and God was going to heal it. But before i did that, i sensed there was something else wrong, she begins to tell me that she has degenerative disc disease, she has had 4 back surgeries and there is never a time where she isnt in pain. so i pray for her a few times and then start to tell her testimonies of healing, bc the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. As im telling her these, she stops me and says " my back isnt hurting anymore" i keep telling her stories once again she says" did you hear what i just said, my back doesnt hurt any more" my response, of course it doesnt, Jesus loves you. and then i prayed for her foot and she got healed. her fiance was crying by the overwhelming love of God. then i go to starbucks and God gives me the name laura or something like that when a certain girl walked in. as she was leaving i run after her and ask her 'is your name laura' she says its lauren... lol well God wants to speak to you. I pray for her and Holy Spirit downloads what He wants to say.. she starts crying and later i find out she is a believer. hahaha. same day, i go to meet a friend. we are in line at Jamba juice and im at the register and a 100 dollar bill appears in my wallet. i didnt have any money. I started screaming to all of JAmba Juice about how God just made a 100 dollar bill appear in my purse. People were a litle scared but i was so excited i couldnt keep it in, i started preaching right there about His goodness and love. After that day, he spoke to me saying this was His loving kindness restoring my faith and my idenity in Him. That desire fulfilled was His word spoken about me, and when i am walking in His (de-of, sire- father) fullness (fulfilled- word spoken) that is the tree of life. when i am who he created me to be, i would be full of life. Hope faith and love, but the greatest of these is love. hope is the seed of faith and faith is the foundation of love. Love is who we are. because it is who He is. He told me that he was restoring the hope and faith of the extreme people that have walked in the prophetic, miracles, healings and other gifts and that this time it would be more than before. he gave me another analogy:

Priscilla your a runner. when you started to running you couldnt start out at 6 miles a day you had to start out @ 1 and build your way up to 6. and if you stop running for a year or so, you cant start back up at 6 miles, you have to start out low again, but this time, im having you start out where you left off only to excelerate @ an incredible speed. this will happen on a corporate level. this is what im doing for my bride, if they will believe.

So all this to say. Im walking in a gift of faith and im full of life. I know who my God is, and ive seen to much to turn around now. Im back and im excited for this day that we are living in. Ive been restored and its a continual process. we are training for a marathon not a sprint. Be prepared, God is building faith and he is going to do it like he did in Mark, when the father cried out i do believe help my unbelief and Jesus cast out the deaf and dumb spirit and the boy was healed.

second part of the vision:

after the girl turned around for me to see that it was myself, Jesus came up and reminded me all that was mine. Everything that is His is mine, because i am His lover, His bride. whatever i ask for in His name. He showed me the nations, he showed me my family, He showed me los angeles that is the center of our world how it effects every nation. Be prepared to see los angles become a true city of angelic presence that carries heaven on earth, the manifest presence of God. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit will be worshipped in this city. He is looking for a people that will take the kingdom by violent force. (Matthew 11:12) people who arent afraid of man, but only have the fear of God. the time is now. Love is violent. let it be.

love, death, and everything in between

2008-06-30T01:04:00.000-05:00

My life seems to be one big canvas to paint on. If I don't like what's going on it can always be painted over. That's the beauty of grace. It does seem like I'm starting to like what is being painted tho, in the beginning it didn't seem very pretty, the futher I get to the finished product it seems that by looking upon it I can see what the outcome might be. Maybe not every detail but definetly the bigger picture.

This last month has been very crucial to what God is doing in my life and who He is made me to be. Anyone who knows me, knows that Love is what I want my life to be founded on and is what I work towards becoming, its no secret. In this journey of living a life of love to the best of my abilities has become quite the challenge. I have been fortunate enough to be exposed, have learned and have been given the tools to do a life of deep love, relationship, and community. Its been pretty easy in the past. My surroundings would call for people who view relationships the same way and value them in the same way, never having to work as hard because a foundation for this type of lifestyle had already been laid. So the challenge has been: when I am surrounded by people in a city that is single minded (self-centered), a culture that is entirely devoted to being all about themselves, and only out to love themselves, although they individually cry out to be loved but not knowing how to receive it or return it, am I going to continue to love the way I know I'm created to and love without demanding love in return. Love is selfless and undemanding of someone else's affections. This is the hardest kind of love to attain, because we all want to be loved in return. We all want to know that we are loved. But when we aren't loved the way we want to be loved will we keep loving?! That is what is being asked of me. Will you continue to love when you aren't being loved in return the way you want to be? Will I continue to stand in who I am when the rejection is greater than the receiving end of love. I was reading over my journal in the last months and I had asked God to make me stand tall, not just in church where it is easy to stand, but in the world. Where I can stand taller than I would in the church, with His love. Well I guess for that to happen I have to be put in situations where that love can rise above. And that has definetly been happening. I thought several times I was going to fall. But Gods love is so much greater. So much more. He has shown Himself so faithful when I needed His love to exceed what was in me so I could continue to love, it always happens. I find my heart soft towards people even when I'm hurt. Love does cover a multitude. I pray that this kind of love is the kind of love that my heart sinks in, dwells in and lives there. Makes it my hearts home. This woman inside is alive and well, making love her choice, being who I was created to be.

come down from the top of that mountain

2008-05-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

Rise up from the bottom of the sea, while I empty out the pockets of my life, with nothing to bring but my inquities.....

The cry of my heart is that in this deep layer that I sit in, God would come down off the top of that mountain and meet me in this time of brokeness, hurt, sin, dirty, lost time of my life and show up. I feel like I can step outside of my situation,see what is wrong, know why I'm making the decisions I have made,but the tools that worked on the surface healing aren't strong enough to work on what's going in me right now!!! I don't know how to fix what is wrong. But I know what's wrong but I don't know how to make it right. I can see it but I can't fix it. So I'm banging on the door of Gods heart, crying out for him to come down off the top of His mountain. Hook me up to His heart never to be free.I don't know how desperate I have to get, but I was once told that God met desperation. So I will be desperate until death if only to meet Him. With a broken heart, a dirty heart, here I am only to give you what I have. It isn't anything but dirty. Jesus please let me know of your love. Your touch, your voice, a whisper, anything that has your scent I want it!!!! I'm desperate for you to come down off of that mountain.

touching the pain for healing

2008-05-04T18:23:00.000-05:00

In my life of 28 yrs I have battled a lie since my exsistence in the womb. The lie that shatters me to the very core of who I am, and the lie that I have spent @ least the last 7 years trying to counteract with the truth that I am loved. Has it worked? Well I'm still on the journey of answering that. I have had so much inner healing and deliverance, only on a layer by layer basis, but it seemed to be enough for my core being. But as I have walked thru the last few weeks, I would see that those layers have only been the start of a process that would be more painful than the lie I have believed my entire life, "you are not worth loving"! You see this lie had become truth, it screamed to me everyday and evrynite of every moment I took a breath of life. Who knew I was really breathing in death. This lie had become a part of my exsistence. So now as I'm learning the REAL truth, the truth that had been built now has to come down. My world as I knew has to fall apart so a new one can be built. This is painful more than the lie because altho the end result will be AMAZING, I'm having to go to the core of who I thought I was, " priscilla the unloveable, priscilla the ugly, priscilla the one that isn't worth it" and demolish the spirit of that world that has breathed death, go in and touch the place where that use to live and bring TRUTH to it and rebuild with new life, with truth. " Priscilla is worth it, priscilla is loveable, priscilla is beautiful". But to rebuild that I have to be willing to touch the lie, feel the pain of what has been spoken to me time and time again.

Where is this coming from? U ask. Well a few months ago I asked Holy Spirit to come in and lead me to the place that brings complete healing. I asked him to take my hand and guide me because I didn't know how to get there on my own, and I was to scared to ask how to get there, so I said Holy Spirit you take me. So here we go again on the continual journey of healing.... Father issues begin to surface in ways I hadn't experienced. As life happened I asked myself why I was making the decisions I was making. Decisions that even in the lowest of my life I had not even contemplated. I knew something was happening, something was being stirred. It seemed like whatever this was, was affecting every area of my life in all decisions. I knew immediately it was a deeper issue of a father wound. In a moment I decided to buy a ticket and go see my dad, get this over once and for all. But that was in my spontaniety, in a moment of reason I also thought, u should wait. Why I listened to reason I'm not sure, because in that moment I knew I was suppose to go and see him. I didn't. 2 weeks later I got a phone call telling me of his death. He had a massive heartattack. As u can imagine how I've kicked myself over and over again for not listening to what I now know was Holy Spirit quickening my spirit to get resolve while I could. Altho I kicked myself I also know that I can't continue to kick myself because there isn't anything to change the circumstance that I'm surrounded with. With my dad dying and not having resolution the issues of my worth and everything that comes along with that have been overwhelming and so in my face that I can't do anything else but face them head on and go deeper than ever before with the help of Holy Spirit my most amazing and bestest friend of all time. Its funny how we have a love hate relationship, well my side is like that. Haha. And only because I love Him so much am I willing to deal with the source of pain that I hate so much. That's what I mean about love hate relationship. This is the first time in a long time that my relationship feels real again with Holy Spirit. I have missed Him sooo much.

I remember once Holy Spirit told me for me to look like Him all my shit had to surface and rid of, which looked like going to the root issue and touching the pain. He said it would look ugly and be painful but if I was willing I would look just like He intended me to. The process is ugly to look beautiful. So I guess the journey of this life, my life, is a journey of healing, out of the ordinary, risky, leaps of faith when I'm not sure, and most importantly love. I know for me to reach that goal, I have to touch the pain so there can be healing.

do you believe?

2008-03-09T17:53:00.003-05:00

in november of 07' i felt the lord ask me something in the wee hours of the night. all lights out, listening to the sounds of a night filled with silence. i hear the Lord ask me something that He has asked me many times before

"priscilla, do u believe?"

at first my thoughts race to the many different issues He could be touching on, and many of which i would have to answer no to, or they wouldnt be issues.. haha. but as i calmed my thoughts down, i asked " believe what?" and His response " believe that i am a God of promise, a God that will do what He says He will do?"

so with everything in side of me, i wanted to answer yes... but all that was there was silence... we talked some more and much laughter came of that nite... but the question still haunted my thoughts, it came out in my dreams, in my everyday life when i was faced with certain circumstances and it rises inside of me.. " do u believe?"

out of that i realised.. i didnt. my heart had been hurt, disappointed, let down, mad, broken, scattered and torn and i couldnt find it. i couldnt go to that place where the hurt was so deep inside so i had shut it down. i closed that part of my heart off to myself and the rest of the world only living half alive, and that means that i was partly dead. and we all know that which is dead if not cleaned properly starts to stink, and eventually will surface. well that what was happening with me, God asked a question and things started to surface. my cry is to be fully alive, make me alive on the inside so it poors out on the outside. so when people are around me i breathe life and they feel alive truly being able to be themselves. but if i am only half alive then the fullness of who God is in me cant come out. so in the last 4 months this question has been brewing in my spirit, in my soul. not being able to answer yes to it, i was on a quest to deal with what was keeping me from answering yes. "Dear God help me with my unbelief. i want to believe." but lets be honest when we have dealt with disappointment and hurt that feels like it has come from God, we dont believe.. hope defferred makes the heart sick. and that had happened. altho i was in deep denial continuing to walk in what i knew to be true my heart was really in deep pain. the last year i questioned everything i knew to be true bc of a certain situation. i thought i heard from the Lord on something and then after sometime of it not happening thought maybe i didnt. which in return actually gets down to me really not trusting Him. and thats from some father issues i have but none-the-less that was what happened. so on my journey of getting to the bottom of my not trusting Papa God... i want to say yes to this question... " do you believe?" God started talking to me about belief. i had this revelation sometime ago but this is on a deeper level. He says to me..

"when you arent in agreement with what i say about you, you are in direct agreement with the enemy, whether you intend to or not. that means anything, the way you look, who you are, what i say is yours, anything in life. whatever i say, if you dont BELIEVE what i say, you are in agreement with the power of the enemy in your life, you give him power freely to do what he pleases"

WHOA.... that is huge

unbelief is the only sin in the new testament... which involves fear. when we dont believe it creates a lifestyle of sin. which will kill you physically or spritually. we were created to believe. believing creates life, a life worth living, it creates the impossible.
believing brings healing. what was the questioned that Jesus asked in the word all the time. do you believe? OMG... this is huge. Do you believe???? seeing isnt believing, believing is seeing...

so in the last few months i have been asking the Lord to help my unbelief. i wanna believe God help me. i wanna trust you, God help me. i have to be honest about where i have been with HIm, He knows anyways. so God help my unbelief. i have been asking Him to take an axe to the root of any faulty belief system i had created to survive.i dont want to just survive, i want to BE-ALIVE. so that is exactly what He has been doing... getting rid of my unbelief. so im getting to a place where i can say that I believe again.. i am getting to the place where i can say yes very soon. i still need help and im still trudging thru the issues of my unbelief, but God is showing himself faithful as He always does which is helping my unbelief to turn in to BELIEVING.

destiny

2008-02-11T01:36:00.000-06:00

I love how God is so good!!! I dont have much to say.
I just know that God is up to some good things and i get to sit back and watch.
whatever the outcome of the decisions that lie ahead i know that God's perfect desire will prevail.

Acts 5:38-39

Ephs 1: 18-20

breathe in and breathe out

2008-01-29T17:33:00.000-06:00

i feel so broken. last year was possibly the hardest year i have ever had. even surrounded by people that loved me and i love them. i felt all alone and completely by myself. there was the summer months that were bareable and fun. and it was a good thing that i did have a few friends that were there for me, and if it werent for them im sure it would have been even worse. suffice to say last year has been the hardest year i have ever lived. so after summer was over i felt the urging and desire of Holy Spirit for me to move to L.A., so i did after much debate, heels dragging and fists clinching. i made the change. i got here and the year was a continum of hardknocks!!! there was so much going on that a few sentences wouldnt articulate the matters of the heart that were being dealt with. truly the only thing that could really explain last year is the silence of my words and the tears in my eyes of a faint heartbeat. so when christmas arrived i couldnt go home and didnt want to stay here by myself, so i went to redding. upon returning i realized that i didnt want to stay here. my heart was hurting for home. for relationships that ran deep. for people who loved me no matter what state of mind i was in. no matter what, i know in nashville my people love me, they know me. so i decided to move home. i decided that 2008 was not going to look like 2007. i want this year to be fun, full of life and surrounded with people and family that im in love with. after much thought i made the decision, im moving back to nashvile. i gave my 2 weeks at work and had a friend fly out here to drive back with me. we were scheduled to leave saturday the 26th @ 6 am. with all my bags packed and me ready to go home, i woke @ 5:30am hopped in the shower and i hear holy spirit say "priscilla you can go home and everything will be good, but i really WANT you to stay" my heart dropped. i knew @ that moment i wasnt leaving. the weight of His want and desire for me to stay far outweighed my selfish desire to be comfortable and have immediate deep relationships around me. so i jumped out of the shower, and went to my roomate at 6 am and told her i wasnt leaving. i couldnt, it wasnt time yet. me deciding that i was staying didnt change my want or my desire for home. it just changed the priority of my desire. u see no matter how hard the circumstance or surroundings around me, ultimately i want excatly what Holy Spirit wants. i love him, but He loves me and that is how i can stay even though i want to go. i believe that when we are young in the Lord that often we get to do what is easy and what we want., and there is grace for that. but as we start walking with the Lord and go from level to level of maturity He starts to ask us to do things we dont nessecarily want to do, BUT because His love for us is so massive and we learn of it, know it we are able to love Him more and from that we are able to do what He asks of us no matter how hard, no matter how much we dont want to. i dont understand it all, He didnt give me a reason of why He wanted me to stay, just that He really wanted me to. and i felt the weight, the depth of the want. and that was enough. so i guess im here to what im not sure, maybe the only hting i know im good at and that is relationship, but in the meantime whie time is on my side im just going to breathe in and breathe out.

dating...

2007-11-29T18:06:00.000-06:00

this year has been an interestng year of dating. something that i have never done before until this year. mostly because i had never been asked. but upon returning from africa and london that all changed. i had been back for 2 weeks and i had my first date, and a blind date at that. it was a "intersting" short lived dating relationship. he was a country music artist from Cali. we had a good time but he wasnt personally involved with Jesus. well a month later that all ended and we knew it wasnt going anywhere. during that time. a guy i knew found out that i was dating and got a little jealous. so we went out, but only once. he is still confused i think. haha. after that i went out with a few other guys. every time it was the same thing. bc they werent walking with Jesus, and i am.... they think im the best thing since God created man. fall in love, but im not. they arent surrendered to Jesus, to Holy Spirit. they really werent in love with me anyways, i think they were in love with the beauty of Jesus in me. anywho, to each his own. but even now in LA, im finding the same thing. guys falling in love, or so they think. and it really sucks. Here are these guys that arent walking with the God i know, but they are seeing what HE sees in me and the value that He has for me, but bc they arent walking with Him it could never go anywhere. but guys that are christians, have a personal relationship with HS dont see the value and act like girls are a dime a dozen. it is very frustrating. but i know that in the long run. God is good and always comes thru. im just writing. nothing super spiritual... just processing my surroundings with words via internet journal. all this to say there was a reason that i never dated... and i have proven my therory to be true. haha.

YES!!!!

2007-10-17T18:21:00.000-05:00

nothing. i have started to write this post and erase it time after time. and still nothing is really forming. there arent any thoughts that are complete, well complete enought that anyone reading them would understand without forming thier own opinion of what is going on in my life. instead of what is real truth. im trying to get in touch with my heart, hoping that if i continue to write about nothing that something would surface. and the only thing that keeps surfacing is my desperation to be in constant commuinion with the one who created me. not out of this place that is religious and so people can read this and think "o, she really must love Jesus", no simply because i realise i cant make it in this place that i am unless i am in a constant place of intimacy with HIM. i am weak and undesrving but for some reason He has mercy and grace that is new every single morning. any jaded thoughts i have conformed in the past toward HIs church are quickly fading bc i need such a divine connection with people around me that are searching and chasing after the same thing i am, His love and truth. being where i am geographically, i dont have a choice to have thoughts like i have had in the past, there is no room for it. i either love or completely turn and walk away from what i have tried to base the core of who i am off of. to love or not to love is the question? what will the answer be, well i said yes a long time ago, and will continue to say yes as long as im alive. although some days will be harder than others, yes is the answer that resounds loud and clear from my spirit. so YES i choose YES. i say YES to the creator of the universe,and the creator of my heart that yurns for HIm. just to live with Him in a place that i am constantly with HIm.

when You come down

2007-10-01T13:49:00.000-05:00

song of solomon 1:4
draw me after you and let us run together

He is doing that. He is drawing me after Himself.. and then we play and run together. i work in a bar, and live in LA. two places that are all together about one thing. pleasure of the flesh. and then there is me in both places with a heart that is about one thing as well, pleasing my Father. and i know by being here and being me, and working there and being me... i am doing exactly that. and with that being said, Jesus' presence in my life has to be a constant. i feel another level of desperation for Him in my life. and i like it. i want him to pour himself over me like rain. my soul is after you Jesus. i do need a encounter with Jesus. because yesterdays bread isnt good enough for today. i need the fresh manna. a fresh word for today. a fresh encounter. i need an encounter with my beloved every single day. i love that i know that, and what to do about it. i have a new cd that im absolutely in love with... it is the heartbeat of Holy Spirit. full surrender with full desperation for His touch!!!

as i often do...

2007-09-24T15:22:00.000-05:00

this morning i was interested to see what i was doing a year ago this time, what Papa was doing in me and so forth. so i go back and read journals and this blog. i was getting ready for london and africa. it doesnt seem like it was a year ago. it seems like it just happened and at the same time it all seems so far away. but as i read my adventures with Holy spirit and Laura. i laughed with tears. i miss london. i love england, i wanna go back so badly. i wanna see mike and rose again. and lil flashy. actually i liked her other dog better, just cant remember its name. anyways, miss london. hopefully when im done with the course im about to take, ..well i have plans. lets just hope they all come thru. anyways just a thought of my life a year ago from now. i love travelling the world, and cant wait to continue my journey of doing so. i love my life. i love Jesus. damn He's jsut so good!!! i feel so thankful to have Him in my life. thx Holy Spirit! you freakin rock my world, haha, no litterally!

He loves me

2007-09-20T12:26:00.000-05:00

I love that HE loves me. HE loves me, He loves me, He loves me! thats the best thing ive ever heard. no matter what, HE loves me! now thats good. it keeps me in his presence, in his arms, in his love. as long as im there, im good. im His friend. his beloved. i love that!

change of address

2007-09-17T14:38:00.000-05:00

its funny... i changed my address today. as i did it, it felt good. in the last 4 years i have kept my mom's address as my permanent address. but today i just changed that. since i have been back from africa everything has been different. you know you always hear people say " this is going to change your life" and you come back from a trip and your still the same, a little disappointed that things still look the same, smell the same, taste the same, feel the same. well i went to africa/ london and had the time of my life. it was so much fun. i spent every moment with Holy Spirit, laughing, relaxing and being with great people. i came back from that trip, i thought the same, but when i got back into the states... my life freakin turned upside down. i was faced with moments of compromise that i thought i was beyond, i had walked passed. but as i stood there and they looked me straight in the eye i found myself making decisions out of a place that was wounded, broken and hurting. places i thought were healed..i found out in a moment of weakness werent. but all this to say the beginning of this year changed my relationship a bit with Holy Spirit. not in a bad way, it just changed. as relationships do, it jsut changed. we were still friends but not like it was. i think that i felt a little abandoned by Him. i felt like a the time i didnt have any friends that really understood what was happening to me or that really wanted to bc they were dealing with thier own crap. so my father wound of feeling abandoned just went a little deeper in those months. but really in those few months was the first time i had ever rreally allowed myself to feel the intensity of the pain from the wound. Holy Spirit came in and started the healing process. and it has been a continual process throughout this whole year, which is making me more whole. but today as i was looking for another job, running errands, i felt this thing in me longing for Holy Spirit the way we use to be. i want to talk to me in the middle of the night like he use to. wake me up bc he was so excited to see me face, look into my eyes. tell me things about people in the day and morning. i miss Him. we are still friends. good friends. but i want it again, the closeness and this time i want it to be more than what it was. i think that has been the reason i have felt the way i had the other night alone. it has brought me to this place of re-evaluating my life with Holy Spirit and realizing what it is thats really going on. im being brought to this place again to get closer to Him. and this time, its not bc im broken and wounded so badly, its jsut simply to be with HIm, like we use to be and more. that makes me excited. bc the truth is he never leaves me, and im not alone. my address has changed but we are still together. im going to have my time with Holy Spirit. im longing for HIm so badly. im glad im here. i like LA, its just another city. but when i walk the streets and see the loneliness in peoples eyes. i know that i have something to offer. love. it works, i promise. i just want to love. knowing that HolySpirit asked me to be here, i see why now. and that makes it all worth while.

2007-09-12T22:25:00.000-05:00

as i sit in the dark listening to jason upton...i feel this familiar season coming up on me again. or this familiar feeling of being alone. i feel alone. im listening to jason upton, the song im not alone, you never leave me. but in the natural i feel all alone.

tonight..im being real. for the first time in a long time...i feel alone!

soverignty of God

2007-09-05T12:13:00.000-05:00

God in all of His soverign ways, yet amazes me once again. i love His goodness. you know after living this type of lifestyle you would think that i wouldnt be amazed any more, after seeing His goodness prevail over and over again. but i am. HS goodness never ceases to amaze me. i enrolled at Santa Monica college. i start classes oct 22. i got a job. im working a resturaunt serving and hostess. i figure while i am in school that is good enough and up until i start im going to try and work as much as possible. God is good. i have a place to live, a job and im going to cosmetology school. wow, i feel like i am starting a new chapter in my life. i guess i am in a way. wwwhhhoooaaa, Holy Spirit just came in. man, i miss that. i miss having those moments as often as i use to. when i was in africa i spent littereally every day with Holy Spirit, every moment. it was such a beautiful season in my life. But He told me to soak it all in bc there was a season coming that would look very different. and im thinking this may be the season that He was talking about. dont get me wrong we are still best of buds... but it just looks different. sometimes it makes me a little sad, especially when i have those moments of.... "aaahhhhhhh yeh, that is good." but i know that this is just a season as well. and im excited about my life. i like my life. i mean sometimes i make really dumb decisions but luckily for me HS has already factored them into my life. im very thankful for what HS is doing in my life. i really dont think that i could ask for any better. I have Him and honestly, with HIm leading me i really couldnt get any better. Because He is the best. nothing else matters, Him loving me is the only thing that matters. as long as i know that...im fn good. haha. i love Him, o so much. He is soverign in His ways. completely and totally.

a story to tell

2007-08-29T12:56:00.001-05:00

im here... with much joy exceeding the situations that have occured. haha. all i can do is laugh. even when i want to cry... all that comes out is laughter. hahahahha. even now. my face is lit with a smile. this is the story of how i got to L.A.

i left nashville drove to dallas where i was picking up a friend that i had only known for a week or two and during that week had only spent 2 days with him. so really i dont know this guy, met him at work and now im driving across the country with him. haha. that in itsself could just set you up for what this journey of living in LA will look like. haha. well get to dallas meet his family. we go to the rangers and mariners game...box seats. that was awesome. really enjoyed that. then the next morning head out for good ol' los angeles. so first day everything is great. my car is awesome, we are having a good time...its fun. we get a hotel room...sleep together... hahaha just kidding. get up and then off we go. we are in arizona by now so all we have is about 7 hours to go. we have to cross thru the desert heat. well we are driving and no sooner do we get into california does my car overheat. i get out, a little disturbed...especially since i know that im doing exactly what Holy Spirit told me. i tell God as i walk away from the interstate 10 and my car..this is your problem and i know that you are good. send someone and do something about this. and no sooner do i turn around and walk towards my car does a man stop and have exactly what we need. a full container of anti freeze. and then tells us that he is going to LA as well and will follow us and if something happens he can just take us all the way in. well we stopped a few times and my car seemed fine. as we got closer to LA my battery light goes on. what does that mean i say? well the guy(spencer is his name) that was with me (thank you Jesus bc i would have been all alone on the side of the road) says its nothing if the car is running. ok! so we continue on this drive. we make it into LA. and as soon as we got to LA my car is telling me that it is about to stop working. all my gages stopped working and my car is dying on me. so we get off on an exit and booyah... my car is sick. but thankfully Jesus already knew and my car got towed and to a mechanic that is really nice and its getting fixed. God showed up. MY car got towed for free and i got discounted on the work of the mechanic bc i knew someone. hahaha. bc i knew the guy that i picked up in dallas. funny thing, i knew that i was suppose to pick spencer up, even though people told me i was crazy. even though i thought i was crazy for doing it but i knew that i had to. you see God does know it all and we just have to listen and obey no matter how crazy it may seem. moral of the story... dont pee your pants when ur in the desert, that just seems a little awkward and gross.

in your presence

2007-08-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

i leave one week from today. my car is packed and so is my heart. my life is a suitcase waiting to be sent somewhere, on some mission to change history. this suitcase carries a bomb waiting to explode. sometimes it is opened and it is deffective, and then other times explosives are leaking from the air pockets of the fabric. depending on the place and time in my life, is dependent upon the change. i feel that i am changing always, we always are. but one thing that i want to stay the same, one thing that i pray stays the same is my hearts longing to know Holy Spirit more, to know more of His love. not to become jaded, or compromisable. Father keep my heart close to yours and my mind renewed. i want to keep child like joy and faith to have a heart that is resilient no matter what happens. please keep my heart protected from a whethered one. please keep me close to your chest no matter what the cost. i want to stay near you. in your presence is where i belong. all fear is gone. in your presence i will do what ever you ask me to. in your presence i am safe and i completely trust and have all faith. in your presence. i realise that i can do life but if i do not carry His presence there really is no point to "do life". in His presence you get to see yourself and others how they really are, how He sees us. We get to love with no limits, no boundaries. we get to love so deep in his presence that all our shit surfaces and we get healing. we realise in His presence that "His presence" is the only thing, the only power that can heal, make you cry and laugh at the same time. and be completely sane. His presence is the only thing that can bring full love, the fullness of life. in His presence is the only thing that makes me fully alive, my heart fully alive. Holy Spirit search my heart and make is clean so that it can be fully alive. Fully alive with life that overflows and makes dead men alive in you. Your presence is the only thing that can do this. keep me alive. keep me in your presence.

if i am not in his presence i become gripped with fear and paralyzed. my mind is a vortex for wrong thinking seeded for fruit that will destroy. compromise is suttle and will destroy. so we must stay in his presence, in his word. o, father keep me safe in your arms.

beauty in the breakdown

2007-06-22T18:49:00.001-05:00

life is full of things that you have to grab hold of, and things that you have to let go of! but to determine what to do with which is the hardest part! you hear so often in life, well at least i do in my own. probably bc i am constantly telling myself these things, giving myself my own advice..."Priscilla chill right out". let it go, your not in control, trust Jesus, He has nothing but good things for you! seems simple right?!?!? yeh what the hell ever! that is the hardest thing to do in life, im convinced of it! some areas of my life it is easy, but alot of areas it is really hard! my issues seem to be bubbling over my layered wall i have built. and this is good bc that means that finally i am getting healing on the deeper issues of my life. but can i just tell you that it is hard! really hard. my life is suppose to look simple, fun and full of love. these are all the things i want to represent in my lifetime. SHe was fun to be around, laughed alot, loved more and she just was herself and wanted others to be ok with who they were as well! that is what i want in life. to be known for those things. so i am on a journey grabbing hold of those tiny nuggets that will build my life into those things. but alot in this journey there have been things in my life that would hinder me from living a life like this, whether it was from a childhood experience, family matters, friends, other relationships along the way...my own beliefs whatever the cause of the hinderance it is now time to let go of those things so i can fully be me! alive and well, full of laughter, joy, faith, hope and love! this is my destiny to be those things, not a certain place to occupy, or my status in the world. but to be "those things" in every place that my hearts takes its place, where ever i find myself..living to the fullest of who i am! i have to seriosuly grab hold of Jesus, my fist clinched tight, and then let go of everything else. no matter what it is, especially all the bad. to be fully whole, im letting go, i have to. Even if there is no justification in it, Jesus is my justice. now that seems all great that im writing this, but im walking thru it and it is really hard. it all started when i got back from africa, and it hasnt seem to stop! so im learning how to trust His amazing grace for my life to walk thru the hardest part. im letting go and realising even more that thier is beauty in the breakdown of it all.

heart surgery

2007-06-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

i often find myself in this place. and im not sure that i like it. it is a place where im controlled by my emotions. and when it happens i realise it and then ask Holy Spirit to invade my life in that moment and control the atmosphere of my heart. it works and im learning how to not live that way. im also learning this is just who i am. and to be ok with it. i was re-reading some of my blogs last nite and realised that this time last year i was in the same place, but this time it seems a bit deeper. i guess that is how it usually goes. layer by layer. the biggest issue in my life seems to be a father wound. something that gets old to deal with. but when reality sets in that it effects every area of my life, this could possibly be the biggest deliverance of my life. i feel desperate to walk thru it although it will hurt like hell. the pain that has surfaced already is so deep that im not sure any sozo could touch it. maybe just the tears that stream down my cheek are really the tools of healing, allowing myself to feel the pain instead of surpressing it and being tough when really im just a gurl in need of her daddy to say, i love you just the way you are. i'll show you that im trustworthy. i wont leave you and i want you in my life. when i look back at layers of healing that has already taken place i realise it has been a setup this whole time, it was just the preface for what is about to happen. my heart is about to be open completely, me on the table getting prepped for surgery, that is what the last 6 years have been. me being prepped for this heart surgery that is about to take place. im wide awake though, hearing all that is around me.... its happening. im taking it day by day, hoping that the surgery is over soon and that i have a fast recovery.

all that is going on

2007-06-13T20:31:00.000-05:00

the last time that i knew... which was a few weeks ago, i was staying in nashville. well that was the plan. but it seems that God always has a different one than i do and then later on i find out after i run my mouth...when will i ever learn?!?!?! haha. well i am officially moving to LA. i am moving with a good friend of mine danelle. we are very excited. we move the end of august, beginning of september. it was cool because i felt that june was going to bring change, but i wasnt sure what it was going to look like. but i could feel the change in the air, i litterally felt it. i dont know how to explain but i have felt this several times, when i moved to nashville from redding and so on. i feel good about it this time as well, that the timing is right. before when i felt LA in my spirit, i knew that it wasnt the right timing. im sure there was alot that was involved in that. but im loving that im learning how to truly embrace change and let go of the things that need to be let go of. in the meantime, im working at a bar. that is interesting!!! but it will be great money, and easy to save for LA. im so excited about moving, i wanna be out there tomorrow. im glad that i waited and didnt impulsively move out there in the spring, it would have been all wrong. this summer is going to be awesome. im excited about the call here in nashville. it will be cool to see what God does. ... and of course im dealing with issues, it is like i get a small break and then up again they come. well at least i had a small breather. i just want to look more like Jesus, know Holy Spirit better and know Daddy's love for me more. and if that means constantly going thru deliverance then so be it, it is well worth it. just as long as i do get the small breathing moments to catch my breath. Holy Spirit..i want to know you more. i need to know you more. please, it doesnt look like it use to, but im not sure that it would work anyways, please just show up..however that looks. i love you, and need you.

im just me.

2007-05-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

alot is going on in me... there is so much i feel that im dealing with, and it is all good. God has really been giving me daily small revelations of my true value and worth. which are turning out to radically transform me. it just goes to show it really is the small things in life that change you. first i have realised so much, i am dramatic and im ok with that. that is how i was created.. i am fiesty, firey..always have been since i was little gurl..there are stories. i am a fighter. as much as i am those things, i am also sensitive. im both ends of the spectrum. strong but sensitive. and although you dont get to see those at the same time and maybe one more than the other, they are still both there. you see, i am a woman. a real woman. im seeing that i am treasure, i was created to be a crown. i have value and i hadnt really seen it before. i knew that i was loved but i didnt know my worth. im seeing it now, and it is making me more of who i am. all of me, and i like that. im becoming alive again. and i like that too. im not making excuses for who i am, im just me.

rants from the heart

2007-05-28T23:49:00.000-05:00

omg...why do people think that they can do that. and " that " is be a total jerk, say whatever they want only to cover it up with sorry. it doesnt work that way. you can say sorry all you want, and i can forgive you, but that doesnt mean that i want you in my life. bottomline. im no longer allowing that kind of behavior in my life, not from me to others and not from others to me. it just isnt nice, it isnt Godly. im tired of it. friends are suppose to be the people that walk with you in life no matter what. and i usually have grace for behavior that is less than perfect, hello i am me, and im way less than perfect and hope people have grace for me. but isnt ther a time when you have to draw a line in the sand saying "enough". i dont want jerks as friends. maybe i need a greater revelation of love.

a strange rant

2007-05-23T00:22:00.000-05:00

it is an odd feeling this one that is going on in me right now. i cant think of anything to write about..... that is an odd thing in my world, i usually always have something to write about.

i have no deep thoughts.

i have some shallow ones, like about this cute guy i have seen 2 sundays in a row at church. he has sex appeal that is 4sure. great style. not sure what he is about. but i'd like to know. and both sundays, i caught him checking me out.

i dont want words... i want action. im tired of words. " your so beautiful, omg, your gorgeous" (but im here with my girlfriend)

i had this one guy come into btops where i work with his GIRLFRIEND, he goes to the bathroom, passing by me whispers into my ear "your so gorgeous" ... who does that?!?!?! he has a girlfriend, dont be all incognito about it. anyways, that is a daily thing at work. and it is all just words. i mean i like being told im beautiful, who doesnt? but then again... i think that it gets old bc i think im just an ordinary gurl, nothing special. i might be cute, but seriously im not all that. there are plenty of beautiful people in the world. anyways, maybe i have issues. o, wait... i do, hahahaha.

thats it, nothing deep. just a little ranting.

another time for this

2007-05-06T19:31:00.000-05:00

i feel like i have been so busy lately..i guess i have. i spend the majority of my time at work. and when im not there i am sleeping. and you know what i miss...

holy spirit time...good holy spirit time.

writing

playing with Jesus

seeing my beloved johnson family.

i miss alot...but i know that this is a time to work alot and save money. i feel like there is a purpose for working so much this summer. there is much to be done.

im miss spending good quality time with Jesus....so im going to do that right now instead or writing.

lata

righteous?!?!?

2007-05-02T22:42:00.000-05:00

what is being righteous...what does that look like. the last month or so i often find myself thinking about being righteous and what that really looks like. ive been a bit confused bc about 2 months ago i had a dream about this man in prison, on his knees forgiving people and asking for forgiveness, weeping in the presence of God. and God called him righteous in my dream. He (being God) told me in the dream that his ways were not my ways and that i had been crying out to know his ways and that is what it looked like, the guy in the prison cell. so i have thought about that dream alot needless to say. but i just now opened my bible and came across another verse that said "herod was afraid of john bc he was a righteous and holy man" so that word coming up again i decided to look up the true meaning of righteous...you might be surprised to know what it means...i was.

righteous- free from guilt or sin; genuine, excellent

well the genuine part stuck out to me, i looked up genuine... and check this out.

genuine- 1 a: actually having the reputed or apparent qualities or character b: actually produced by or proceeding from the alleged source or author c: sincerely and honestly felt or experienced d: actual, true 2: free from hypocrisy or pretense : sincere

isnt that interesting?!?!? being righteous is actually about being real, true to oneself. being the real thing, no hyprocrisy to oneself, ones true self. being real in your walk with God, whether you are off one day or totally on. living out loud, truly hands out seeing it all. isnt it interesting that in this day and age all you hear is people saying " just be real, just be you" the message to be righteous is being preached everyday we are just using the slang verbage. God is looking for a righteous people, a nation that will be righteous, a son and daughter, a lover...to be righteous, to be real. another part i found interesting was that it said, to be FREE from GUILT... that is cool.... and im to tired to go into that , i'll just leave that for another time.

as of late...

2007-05-01T23:35:00.000-05:00

...i find myself having less to say about life and just pondering it. my words dont seem to express anything, the silence is enough.

first time im thinking before speaking

2007-04-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

ive been thinking about this for awhile.

first let me say that i talked to some friends of mine from africa today. will, musy and emelyn. omg, that was so good. to hear thier voices was amazing. i miss them like crazy.

i was about to write some stuff out, but as i started to, i felt to really just hold it in my heart for a while. so im not going to tell you what i was going to tell you. lets just say it is reay good, and a good vision for what ive been wanting to do and i get the best of both worlds.

hopefully one day it will work out.

final decision

2007-04-24T23:42:00.000-05:00

ok, i know that i said that i was going to go to IHOP first, but things have changed. haha who would have thunk it. im still going to IHOP but now, to visit my friend steph..that being the main reason im there, and also to seek the face of Jesus that is always nice as well. something happened last night. i was talking to my friend and then at the end of the convo, she asked to pray for me. of course im open to recieving any kind of prayer, especially after just coming out of this ast season of my life. my realisation for knowing my need it huge. so i just sat there and recieved. it was good. i cried and God showed up. but then something else happened that proceeds her prayer. she asked that i would have clarity and she broke off confusion, and oppression and all this stuff, right. well this morning i woke up, and was like i still feel like it isnt the right timing but havent fully made a decision yet...i ponder all things today. and finally, after talking to my dearest friend whom i love so much even she wont know how much when we get to heaven. it hit me, i have a heart for LA, i already know that. but i need to be totally sold on going out there when i go. bc it will get hard, life always does, and when it does i need to know that God told me it was the right timing. and i dont have that right now. and i think that it is a better idea for me to have my cosmetology liscense when i go out there, instead of going out there to get it. it will just help me out in the long run. so im getting an apartment and a car, and im going to cosmetology school. im going to spend the summer here and really enjoy my life stepping in the right direction. mmuuuuuaaaaaaa (evil laugh)
that is my final decision. im staying for now, and vangi almost cried she was so excited that i was staying. that makes me feel so loved. if she was the only person that loved me, i sometimes think that woud be enough because i know that she has so much love for me. i have some clarity now and dont feel so bi-polar anymore. ha. im excited to see what good things come of this next season in my life.

timing..all about timing...

2007-04-23T17:36:00.000-05:00

so i thought that what was going on in me was fear. but now im not so sure. usually when it is unvieled that it is fear, fear leaves or is faint. but it hasnt left and has kept getting stronger, and what is happening is, im having thoughts of "maybe it isnt the right time". even when i was in LA i kept saying over and over to friends and God, if it isnt the right time, im ok with that. im willing to wait for the perfect timing. yesterday a friend askd me to go to miami with her for the summer, and then in the fall(august) we could move to LA. i really like that. that sounds so much better to me than moving out there right now. i know that LA is in there somewhere, im just thinking that it might not be until the fall. and i have never been to miami, sounds like fun. i can work there and save money for LA as well as i can here. im still not sure, these are just thoughts. im confused and dont really know. im going to go to IHOP for a weekend to get some prayer time in where im not being pulled by my emotions of which city im in. ... Jesus help me.

im letting go

2007-04-19T21:49:00.000-05:00

i see the water all around me. there is nothing else in sight. front to back, side to side..all there is water, ocean. and i hear Him asking me to take another step. "Priscilla just take another step?" my reply " Jesus, i dont see a step, all there is water, what are you talking about, if i take another step i will fall, sink, die... there is nothing around me" Jesus: "Cmon, i believe in you, even if you dont believe in me, i believe in you, you can do this" and as i took another step a concrete step appeared, and as i looked back there i saw all my steps that had been set in concrete. each step i took as i took it a concrete plank was created.

i have to give it all to Him. this time i have no plan B. im giving over my heart, my hope, dream, desire ...i cant keep it anymore. it was never mine in the first place. ive held on to it tight, but He is asking me to let it go, not even hold it loosely, but completely give it over to Him. He wants it now. this is hard. i have nothing left. im moving once again, and im scared. i have nothing that im going out there with. but i know this is what He wants, and bc of that, i want it to. but that doesnt mean that im not scared. i freakin freaked right out. but He told me something...

"Priscilla fear and faith go hand in hand, it is just a matter of what you are going to follow. it is easy to believe when you have nothing to loose, but when you have something at stake, to risk, and you still choose to keep walking ,moving forward even when you are scared. that is faith."

Abraham, and Sarah...with Issac. that is faith. they were scared, hell yeh they were scared who wouldnt be, to believe or hope that this promise is going to happen even though i cant see it. i just know that this what im suppose to do. i hope that i dont fail, i hope im hearing right, i hope this is right.

im leaving it all in His hands, im letting go.

the reality is.....

2007-04-18T20:02:00.000-05:00

that i am scared out of my mind. what if i suck at hair and makeup? what if i screw up again? what if it doesnt work out? what if im wrong again? i think i have heard God in so many areas, what if it doesnt happen? im freaked out to the core of who i am. i dont want to mess up anymore. i havent been afraid of jumping in the past, i do it alot it seems. i look like an idiot most of the time. but i dont want to anymore. i dont want to look like that anymore. the reality of this whole thing in LA is that im scared. God is asking me if i trust Him, and im not sure that i do. i want to, but im scared. what if it is wrong. what if it never happens. that will suck. i have to give everything to Him right now, not just my future, life. but my hopes, my desires, my heart. it belongs to HIm and that is scary because now after the last season i know that it is completely His. i have no plan B's. nothing. there arent any more options for me at this point. just this. and i feel like it is it, but im scared. no i freaked right the hell out. i have gotten so many words in my life that i would be a woman of faith. that i would leave a legacy of faith behind. i believed that, so i took risk..so i thought. but it isnt much of a risk when there isnt anything to lose. right now, my heart is at stake, my dreams, my desires, my hope. maybe that is what real faith is, when you do something anyways, although you might not truly believe, but you want to so badly, so you continue to move forward, take the next step. maybe that is real faith. abraham and sarah were parents in the walk of faith. they didnt believe, sarah laughed in His face. but i believe they wanted to. because in the book of Hebrews they are in the faith chapter of people who believed. he weighs our hearts right? the motives? just a thought.

there has to be more

2007-04-18T18:53:00.000-05:00

yes! LA feels like home.

nashville, i love it here. i love the people here. i love my church. maybe LA is it, but it is the wrong timing.

this is the pull that i feel. yesterday i was all about LA. today im not sold at all on it. i love it out there, i feel like a piece of my heart is there. but nashville as of right now is definetly outweighing LA. i need to be competely sold on moving out there and starting all over again. i just dont have it in me to do all over again if im not completely sold on it. there has to be more.

when i think of it in the sense of hair and makeup...im completely like yeh, that is where i need and want to be. but when all the rest my life plays into it, im just not there. maybe there is fear, i will admitt that, but maybe it just isnt the right timing. maybe im suppose to stick around for the summer. that sounds like fun to me. and then go out there for the fall. i like that better already. well i guess we will see what happens.

Jesus if this is you, do your thang. cause i need you to.

welcome to LA.

2007-04-12T13:35:00.000-05:00

close your eyes. do you trust me? "no" i reply. do you want to trust me? "yes, of course i do" was my answer. priscilla will you step out on this ledge with me, grab my hand. have i ever let you fall? come with me. you have to let everything go, all your hopes and dreams. this time, its just me. just me you are grabbing onto. ... as i step out on the ledge i start to fall and as i start to fall holy spirit catches me..and i landed in LA. welcome to california.

i got picked up from the airport and went straight to a spa. a thai spa and got a massage. i was speechless ... this was by far the best massage i have ever gotten. omg... i will just leave it at that. trust me...go find a thai massage place and get one. it will rock your face off. and then i got my hair colored and cut. i just got pampered yesterday. what a great way to start out a week in LA. haha. God is good.

another wave

2007-04-09T23:09:00.000-05:00

"another wave crashes on the shore. today is the hottest day since i have been in africa. although i am in the shade i can feel the sun beating down on me. eveyone is in class, and im here in my usual spot. sitting at the beach feeling closer to holy spirit than ever before. im just waiting. waiting for class to be over to hang out with grace, tyer or alex, which ever comes first. waiting for holy spirit to tell me something more certain about london. waiting for holy spirit to tell me something profound in general. i am in africa suppose to be having the most life changing experience ever. but as i wait, nothing. only a simple look as if to say, lets go for a walk. i like walking with you. that's it. just a walk. no talking, just walking. just being with me is all he wants. so we walk down the beach, i see a sail boat. i sit on the sand, enjoy the breeze and watch the ocean waves crash on the shore over and over. the water is so blue. the sand is so white. this is so beautiful. i am marveled at the beauty of His creativity. im just with Him, we are enjoying each other. its that simple. just to be with Him. just another day in africa. which was followed with much laughter and joy. simplicty can be the hardest life of all. today was one of the many that i enjoyed being silent with Holy Spirit, just listening, even if nothing was being said. sometimes the silence is the loudest expression of the heart."

i needed that

2007-04-08T21:24:00.000-05:00

He died for me. ... i know that easter is about that, Jesus dying for us and raising from the dead. we talk about it as christians all the time. it is the basis of christianity. but today, ... it hit home a little more than normal. it went a little deeper than it ever has before. this easter, i realised something. i NEEDED him to die for me. i needed him to do what he did. if he hadnt, the last three months would have put me under, and i mean way down under. no really, im serious. i needed Him to die for me. i need him to be my saviour. everyday, and the next and the next day after that for the rest of my life i need him to save me. to hold on tight, and never let me go, even when i let go, for him to never let me go. I NEEDED HIM TO DIE FOR ME. i have never looked at it ike that before, until today. i am so thankful and so zealous to be closer to HIm than ever before. i need to be close to Him. every second of every moment. i am to weak on my own to be away from Him. all it takes is one moment, one thought, one action. if i am not close to him, i can mess up at any moment. i need Him. i am realising my weakness and my state without Him, im realising my NEED for him. i am thankful that he died for me, i needed that.

hold me tight
dont ever let me go
this is the one thing that i need to know
that your love never lets me go
hold me tight

good friday

2007-04-06T18:45:00.000-05:00

it is wierd, i have been working so much and feeling like there isnt much time to breathe that i have nothing to say. nothing to write. im sure if i just dig an inch deeper that i would, but im so tired and exhausted that all i am thinking about is a cupa and a bowl of soup at fido...that sounds good. well that is where im spending my friday night.

i remember

2007-04-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

this morning as i was ironing cothes for work..i remembered. i remembered the day i got back into the states arriving into nashville. it was wierd, the feeling i had, like this is home but it doesnt feel like it right now, i know i just got here, but i want to leave. not just nashville but, the US in general. so as i settled here trying to find a job and get a place, which ended up being mal's place... i forgot something along the way. i forgot what had just happened in africa and london. it felt like i hadnt even been there. i remember calling alex and ty saying "if feels like africa never even happened" it was the strangest feeling. it was almost obsolete. in essence forgetting lead me into a season that i wouldnt trade but would never ask to do over again and im glad that the worst part of it is over.....

it is 4am. my roommates are fast asleep as the sun is waking, and rising over the ocean. you can see the blue from where i sit. the americans are all asleep. but o, the africans wake as soon as the sun peeks thru, it is time to work. so i quitely, as quitely as you can, grab my bible, journal, and trusty ipod. i grab a white plastic chair, sit on my veranda, put my earphones in and listen to kimberly and beto. moments of silence pass. this is normal. but an unexpected, overwhelming sensation of Holy Spirit hits me, wave after wave. it continues for the whole time. wave after wave. my eyes are filled with tears, i recieve it Holy spirit is my only response. after about 30 minutes of this... he leans in and whispers in my ear "priscilla you bring me joy". an outburst of tears errupts. again "priscilla, YOU bring ME, the king of Kings, the one who created the universe, YOU bring Me joy" "it will never change, there is nothing you can do to change this" " I love you"

i forgot...but now, this morning...

i remembered.

chilln

2007-04-03T22:57:00.000-05:00

man..it has been so good to be around my best friend lately. i have missed Him. we have been hangin for a minute here lately. i love Him, He loves me. Im talking about Holy Spirit if you havent caught on yet. well that is all. im going to chill right out with Him now. it is way better than this.

sshhhheeewww....

2007-04-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

that one was close guys....she made it thru. im so proud of her. didnt she do a great job. i knew that she would get it, but there were a few times i was quite concerned. but she did it.

that was what i felt on sunday as i arrived to church and proceeded to worship the Lord. to be in a place of people that although annoy me agreat deal most of the time, but we share such an amazing passion for Jesus was nice. i missed it. i felt like i made it thru this hard season. at one point i leaned over to mal to tell her that " i miss this, i really do" as i sat there recieving his love for me, and realising how amazing it was to be able to sit there and recieve his love after such a long hard three months, it was really humbling. i did get so excited though when i realised i wasnt going to hell. haha. i mean it though. i was so excited i even dared to interrupt tyler during his soaking time to tell him that "it was ok, and that i wasnt going to hell and neither was he" hahaha. but i was so serious. anyways, that is good news. He loves me so much. im still His daughter.

the road

2007-03-29T17:58:00.000-05:00

today i saw a picture...i saw a road that was paved...the two yellow lines painted down the middle...and all i saw was this road as far as my eyes could see. i saw it almost as if thru a camera lense, the road was eye level. as i looked i heard God say this is a long road you might as well sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. this road will sometimes be exciting, sometimes quite, sometimes awkward, sometimes funny, alot of the times funny, sometimes sad, sometimes i will ask you to take your seatbelt off and let the wind blow thru your hair. sometimes, you will need your seatbelt extra tight, this road is what you make it. this road will see many different seasons. winter, spring, summer and fall. i will never ask you to backtrac, to turn around. i took the rear view mirror off. there are no side mirrors. all there is, is my voice and your heart. follow my voice and listen to your heart. remember two things on this road. i love you no matter what and this road is about one thing,love. love will change any circumstance. love will heal all things, love is the essence of your well being. it will keep you alive and will never let you die. all good things come from love. this road will have alot of bumps along the way, but remember this and you will do just fine. this road that you are on... this road is called life.

LA?!?!?!

2007-03-27T16:03:00.000-05:00

kinda odd, but as i just purchased my ticket out to LA, i got all teary eyed. that was an odd reaction. but good i guess. i am excited and scared. i wasnt even scared when i thought i was moving to london, or did to move to london and then off to africa. i was totally like yeh, this is great. but this is my dream. something i have wanted to do for a while...hair, makeup, fashion. so that seems a bit more scary, im going after it.

what was it that rosa parks said. without vision people perish, but without courage dreams die. so this is me being courageous in the most cowardly way, because it scares me. but here goes nothing. nothing lose and everything to gain.

it isnt that we are afraid of incompetance, it is that we are afraid that we are more powerful beyond measure....or something like that. hahaha.

post africa

2007-03-27T09:44:00.000-05:00

in the last 3 months, i have done some things that im not proud of, would i take them back. no, most of the decisions i have learned some valueable lessons from. some i just have regret. but i think that goes with a season like that. in the last few weeks i have felt a switch in the spirit, in my spirit. im not sure where i went when i got back from africa, but i wasnt here. i did alot of things, said alot of things that were out of my character. with my eyes wide open i am seeing the carnal side of me, and i dont like that person. thankfully i am also seeing how much i need grace in my life and i got to see the beautiful side of weakness, when god is made strong. im being brought, wooed back to my first love...litterally. my sweet sweet Jesus. i love Him so much, He loves me so much. i have missed this time that i am having with Him right now. my heart and spirit has longed for it, and im not sure why i didnt have it, but im glad that i am back to that place of longing for him, from such a deep place in my soul, my spirit. i was getting ready to go somewhere today, and as i looked in the mirror, i saw me for the first time in months. i told god that i wanted all the bad out, because it wasnt pretty or attractive. i want to have that glow about me again that says, im a lover, Jesus loves me. i got a hard shell around me in the last few months and i want that gone. i want to be soft. pliable, moldable, i want to look like Jesus. i want him. i realise that what i have been going thru is only the process of looking like Him more, which is the very thing that i have been pleading for, asking for, praying for...to look more like you Jesus. well for that to happen, anything that is deep in my heart that isnt of Him has to come out. and thankfully it has. but also thankfully that i am near Him again. i couldnt bare it any longer. i missed my best friend. i felt alone, but now i am by myself and feel completely accompanied by one who never left, and will never leave. i love you Jesus.
i love Holy Spirit.....omg...that is nice.

fair warning....

2007-03-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

fair warning to all people in my life right now. im a bad person. im bad a relatioships in general. im selfish. im a bad friend. i pretty much suck right now. so if i have offended you in any way..im sorry truly i am. hopefully in the near future i'll be a better person. so yeh. that is it. im hoping that it is all changing soon. ive totally hurt people that i love. 2 of the greatest people in my life. Lareasa and Mal. i love you guys and i hope that you know that. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. i'll be gone soon enough and that should help a little bit. you guys are awesome, and i do love you. sorry that this season in my life you have walked with me thru it. i know that it hasnt been easy, but i am very grateful. to any other person that i have hurt, gosh... i dont want to know. im sorry so please get over it. i dont think that i can handle anyone else telling me that im an awful person or friend. just know that im sorry. ok ok. that really is it.

climbing or jumping?!?!?!

2007-03-23T19:13:00.000-05:00

the right trac. what does that look like?!?!?! well i hope that im on it. another shift has happened. this is good. a little scary but good. how many times have you heard me say that i dont know what this looks like? so many. if i had a dollar for everytime i thought or said that i'd be wealthy. that is for sure. most would not like to live my life. atually most live my life but think that they are living someone else's. meaning that most people think that they know where they are going in life, what it looks like, when inreality it always changes and never looks like what they expected and then they are all disfigured. i just start out disfigured and know from the start what it looks like. messy! since i have been back the idea of LA has been jumbled in there somewhere, sometimes close and sometimes far away. it is easy to get comfortable to live a life that is going no where and has no meaning. sometimes i am alright with that. but this isnt one of those times. im going to LA in april to see if im going to move out there. it seems like God is opening up some doors and there is opportunity for me to do what im into. fashion, hair, makeup. things im good at. there is room for improvement but that is in any area of my life. so this is a time where i face what im scared of and do it. if it doesnt work then at least i will know. i need to give a try at least, and i feel like i am in a good spot in my life to do so. im learning about myself more and more. the more i live, the more i become alive. so once again, this will be another mountain i climb or jump off of?!?!?! we will see which it is.

a dream

2007-03-22T15:51:00.000-05:00

another moment. i was visiting a website of a ministry that i use to be part of. as i was looking over it, it made me sad. my heart started to break as i realised that what God has intended for His bride and the world, we have missed. it isnt about works. it isnt about God saving us or them. it isnt about worshiping Him or any of that. it is all about relationship. Him loving us. i have often heard this phrase "your kingdom come your will be done ..ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN" what was the one thing that Jesus focused on more than anything else when He was on earth. His relationship with His father. that was what he constantly had in mind. nothing else, nothing more. let me get away so i can find out much my Father loves me today. that was His heart. He was the son of God but still needed to know that God was well pleased with Him. do you get that?!?!?! we have to know that we are loved. nothing else matters. that is his will on earth as it is heaven,to know that we are truly loved just for us. if you dont know that He loves you, then where is all that goodness flowing from? works? a performance mentality? all that goodness is only good when it flows from the abundance of His love for us and when we know it. other than that it really it isnt good. it is creating a false truth. and eventually if you are really seeking God what will happen is the that kingdom that you are building will get knoocked down all the way and the world you just created will be no more. you will have to rebuild from the ground up and that isnt fun. get this now. lets get this now. the real truth. it is about love. that is it. Him loving us. He isnt in this thing to change me. change will happen. it always does with or without god. change is a constant. He is just in this to love me. and the more i know that he loves me, the more i will want to be around him. im telling you God is shaking people to the core of who they are, whatever is made of man is getting broken and will not be replaced. God is being hastened to come back for his bride and unfortunately it wont look like most think it will.

i had a dream about 2 men.

the first was on a platform and it looked like what we would call "revival'. people were getting healed, miracles after miracles, the "gospel" was being preached.

the second man was in a prison cell. He had tattoos all over him, long hair in a pony tail. he was a rough looking dude. he looked hard to the core. and he was in prison for murder.

the dream kept switching scenes to the first man and then the second, several times it would switch scenes. then the man in prison fell to his knees and started to sob, forgiving his grandmother, and he went down a list of people that he was forgiving and then asking for forgiveness. as this was happening the two scenes were side by side and God showed up and points to the man on the platform saying " for too long you have called this righteous" and then he pointed to the man in prison and says " but this is what i call righteous, if you want to learn my ways this is what it looks like"

that has stuck with me for the last month. His ways are not going to look like what we have preconcieved in our minds. he is ready to destro to the core what the enemy has built, and strangely enough the enemy always bulds things that look to similar to the truth, or what we want to believe is the truth.

bombarded

2007-03-22T12:13:00.000-05:00

today i woke with not much on my mind, just simply..thank you God i got to sleep in. as i have gone about my day, making coffee, calling a few friends, checking my email ..etc... my heart is being drawn to be with Jesus. it doesnt feel the same, but i feel it deep down in the core. this is a bit deeper than before. when i checked my email today i had several new emails from people in africa and london. people that i spent a good amount of time with or people that i met a long the way. something in my heart was grabbed. almost solemn. i miss that. i think maybe because it reminds me of what use to be. i know that i cant live where i use to be, but when it was so good you cant help to want to go back to that place. last nite i went to the snow patrol concert in ATL with mallory. it was amazing. there was one part when Holy Spirit showed up. i sat down closed my eyes and asked Him to be with me once again. if i keep asking He will eventually come wont He?!?! i know that it cant be the way it use to, mainly because it doesnt satisfy. i need something new. i need to be renewed. questions still linger, they might not be as close as they were before, but they are still within my sight. i hope soon that these questions will no longer be here. i want to just sit with Jesus and not question anything. i just want to believe. today i felt bombarded with who i use to be and am i still tha person today?!?!? well im not sure about anything right now. im just glad that the intensity of this season had dwindled down. my heart just wants Holy Spirit. i just want to be with Him on the beach and let Him love me and me love Him. this is what i want to be bombarded with. a reminder of how much He loves me.

just to be

2007-03-20T19:54:00.000-05:00

if i could give it all away
be non exsistent for a time
have the clouds roll back this day
hear what the rain had to say
sitting here in silence
with no pressure, reason or rhyme
eyes open to see
to live a life
just to be.

living from my heart
sometimes sloppy, oraganic and raw
living out loud
crying or laughing
unstable and emotional this is what you see
but deep inside there is freedom
coming from within me
living this life
just to be

the glass is half full never empty on a dime
there is hope and happiness
around the corners bend
there is no fear that was the last time
my life is extreme
extreme of both ends
im learning that there is no balance
of possibility
that this is my life
just to be

dear God

2007-03-19T21:55:00.000-05:00

help me, or forgive me, or do both actually. haha. im laughing but im serious. no wonder no one ever takes me serious. i am always laughing.

fun life

2007-03-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

it is dark and rainy. the sun is slightly shining thru and you can see the drops falling thru the sky. as the rain hits the roof and i can hear it loudly but softly, and listening to the words of a song that i find myself often asking the questions to. what a mystery He is. the rain makes me think of africa. i miss africa, mainly i miss my life there. it was simple and there werent the worries of life, like there is here. i miss tyler and alex. all our laughs, that was fun. i remember one nite, it was thanksgiving, we laughed so hard. tyler doing his international minister of fire dance out on the dock of pemba beach hotel. that was amazing, we were smoking a really potent cigarette that would probably give you cancer in the first drag you took. alex and suzanne were talking music of some sort, tyler and i were laughing hysterically about the world we just created about ministers of fire. and our friend caleb got slightly offended at our lengths we were going to, to not be religious. haha. that was equally as funny. you know me, there is no line that you can cross. it doesnt exsist. haha.

i just had another memory...of africa that was equally as funny. im laughing so hard rite now that im crying. omg...that was freakin awesome. we (tyler, alex, caleb, suzanne, myself) had all decided that we were going to go camping. so off we went, we told some people but not who we should have told. we have an awesome time, we sat around a camp fire, had a few beers, went swimming at night, and then went to bed to wake up to the next morning of our staff leaders looking for us at the campsite. the german shepard, and pitbull. luckily they didnt find us. so we sat in our little house upstairs and decided to think of the worse case scenario. we have a week left of school and they are going to kick us out. Alex, caleb, and suzannes face of sheer terror that this could possibly happen was priceless. tyler and i just laughed and to make matters worse for the others we keep torchuring them telling them that is what is going to happen. like we knew, no we didnt. they are scared out of thier minds to get in trouble and we are laughing our heads off. alex's facial expression is forever etched in my memory.

we had a great time of living life. i want to live life here. i want to be alive in whatever i am doing. whether that is here, or somewhere else. i just want to have a fun life. one of my greatest friends looked at me and said "pris, lets have a fun summer, a really fun summer" and i said yeah, lets do...lets have a fun life.

people, lets have a fun life. we only have one chance at this thing....lets have fun at it.

i wonder ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

2007-03-11T22:14:00.000-05:00

another time for being real. something i just want to try out. for the last two months i have tried this whole dating thing right? have even dated some guys that are out of my norm. meaning they werent christians...i had questions?!?!?! really i did. but after a little experience in it i feel like i have swung around full circle to where i was. mainly i felt like i was on a rebound from a relationship i was never in, but my heart was. the question still remains do i have feelings for this person, well lets just put it this way. im not where i was with it 2 months ago, but i would love to try it out. to see if there is something there. does he know this, probably not. i think he still has a girlfriend. im not sure though. mainly i want to see...is there something there? i know that he has to have thought about it. we get along so well, or so i think we do. we know each other well, lets just see... if it doesnt work, ok fine then, but at least there wont be that question there lingering in my mind. i can like other guys, i have before. the last 2 months have been full of being interested in guys. and really willing to be in a relationship but it just hasnt worked out. and i keep going back to this person...wondering...questioning?!?!?!? could there be?!?!?! maybe?!?!?! im not sure. but id like to give it a shot. he is one of my best guy friends. ive seen him be a jerk, ive seen him be serious, be funny, boring, amazing, holy, a heathen( hhahaha) ..i feel like i have seen him in alot of areas in his life and i still think that he is one of the best men i have ever met. he truly is gold. i just think the world of him. and even if nothing ever happens, and all we ever are is only friends, i will still think that he is equally amazing...why? because i just love who he is. he is just a great guy. he is a good friend. one of the best.

in the world or of it?

2007-03-08T13:20:00.000-06:00

to all the people that feel unloved. ...

for the last three years, that have been the most intense,.. i had gotten this revelation that i was daughter, right? that i didnt have to work for love, perform on any level. i got the revelation of grace on some level in the church, as much as you can get it. i was finding out who i am. and to walk that out in the church was easy for me, i kept myself safe and around circumstances that wouldnt challenge what i was learning or getting a revelation on, grace that is.i surrounded myself around people who were like me, all believers. i got it that i was saved by grace and that the only reason for my exsistence is for God to love me. it is all about the relationship that you have with Him. that it doesnt have anything to do with how much i love Him, how great i am, how much i read my bible, how much time i spend with him. none of those things matter, just that He loves me and that is it. that if i never do any of these things, He will love me as much right now as He is ever going to love me. in the church, that was easy to walk out. but now, i am back from africa, working in an enviroment that is full of the world. what i have been learning the last 3 years is being put to the test. i am being challeneged in my very revelations of grace, and love. the questions that have bombarded my mind, heart and soul. the last 2 months have probably been the hardest 2 months of my life, in my walk with Holy Spirit. He has seemed far and close all at the same time leaving me confused and disillusioned. here i am before men, loving Jesus and having to trust that He loves me no matter how many mistakes i am making. so in the church grace exsist....but does it exsist in the world? well for so long it hasnt, that is why the world doesnt come to church. what we have learned that we are sons and daughters has stayed inside the four walls never leaving the "sanctified" but in reality the world are the ones that need to know that they are loved, that there is grace, and it doesnt just start when you get saved, but it is always there. there is no boundaries of grace it knows no bounds. i like living in the world. some of the people that i work with are in the world and they are becoming my greatest friends. i think that when we as believers step outside the four walls with our revelation of grace and love, and allowing ourselves to make mistakes, the world will see something that is pure and holy. that weakness is actually what is pure and holy, because it makes Him strong. david knew that, and his heart was pure before the Lord, and he was totally messed up. they will see that it isnt about having it all together and that i have to be perfect before i go to church and live my life a certain way. they will see that they can love themselves just the way they are because Jesus does and that is attractive. Love is attractive. Grace is attractive. i learned to love myself in the church and now i am learning to love myself in the world. this week something has changed, im not sure what it was, but something has. the very thing that you are called to, the enemy wants to distort. i am called to love the world, i love doing it. i love that my friends are unbelievers and i get to truly love them with a love that is from the Father, and that they are experiencing Jesus and not even realizing it. and im not in it to change them, im just in it to love them. i think that is how Jesus is with us, He isnt in this to change us, He is just in to love us. do we change in the process, well of course...but his motive is to just love us. that is powerful and crazy to think about. He just wants to love us. no matter where you are in life. i know that my life is called to live in the world, the enemy tried to distort that in the last 2 months but, Holy Spirit is so much stronger than that. im so glad that Holy Spirit is my friend. i love Him and He loves me. im just in the beginning of my walk with Holy Spirit and learning His ways, i want to know more. although, it is rocking me to the core of who i am and showing me what i am made of....which isnt much, i like it. because i am getting to know Him and that is my only goal in life. to know Him. and the only way i get to see Him in my life is to stay weak. that is when He shows up, that is when i get to know Him.

just sit with me

2007-03-06T10:14:00.000-06:00

as i sit with God, and want to tell Him of all my mistakes lately, tell Him of all my issues, tell Him my list that i feel needs to be exposed....and me waiting to hear His response...u know what i hear? "I dont want to talk about all these things, lets just be, just sit with me, all those things dont matter." that is what He tells me everytime, i go on a drive with Him, walk with Him, get on the floor...that is what i hear. that leads me to believe that none of the details in my life matter, just as long as i am with Him. when i was in africa i got that. i didnt have anything to worry about, i just sat with Him, sometimes we talked, sometimes we didnt, we just were. I was with Him and He was with me. that is it. it wasnt about anything else so i how do i convert that over to a life here with all the temptations of mistakes that happene in life and still know that it is all about being with Him. nothing matters, just being with Him, just walking with Him. i am finding myself so weak and poor in spirit that knowing that it is just about being with Him makes all the difference. it is harder to walk out in a place that your life is full of everything else. but i know that He hasnt left me, either He is good or He's not. and i choose to believe that He is good. i know that HE is good. He cant be anything other than what He is. i sat with a friend last night and we talked and talked. it was so good because out of us talking this is what came out. im a verbal processor if you havent gotten that by now, i am. and when we talked this what came out. it was awesome, everytime i get before Him all He says is "i dont want to talk about that, just sit with me" He just wants to be with me. with me. me. that is amazing, He is amazing. and im broken at the thought of it. i have such a good lover.

2 months

2007-03-05T17:13:00.000-06:00

well it has been 2 months that i have been back, and it has taken me this long to get it together, and what may i be getting together you might ask well me getting fit. i started running yesterday and also started eating all raw again. im not going to stay raw, but i will do it for a couple of months to clean me out and get me skinny. i still havent lost all the weight i gained from being in africa. so i hit it hard core yesterday. i ran 3 miles yesterday and 2 and a half today. and about half the way are hills. so yeh, my legs, calves, hamstrings are sore, but a good sore. so 2 months. it took me 2 months, to gain the weight, ive been back 2 months, and it will probably take another 2 months to get to where i want to be. 2 months....hopefully it will be a short 2 months.

commercials

2007-03-01T17:55:00.000-06:00

so in life......if nothing happens that is life altering, mal and i think that it would be really great to audition for the commericals to be the new std girls, yeast infections, hemrhoids, and anything in that nature. it just would be funny. so yeh, that is my beginning blog for march. so if you see us on tv saying "hi i have genital herpes. did you know that 80 percent of the time it is spread without even an outbreak. now, there is livetral. it helps to prevent it spreading to your partner" hahaha. that is funny. and then you see us throwing rocks in the river with our pertners on a nature wallk. haha. funny stuff.

i missed you today

2007-02-28T23:57:00.001-06:00

getaway

2007-02-27T15:27:00.000-06:00

i feel lost but im told that i am found
i feel shakey, but im standing on the ground
i want to fly away
somewhere other than here
i thought i'd found my way
somewhere other than here

fly away
ive got to get away, get away runaway from here
is this what i see, this cannot be
what ive been told what my life's to look like
ive got to get away, get away get away from here
ive got to get away get away runaway from here

the darkest of places
my heart just erases
memories of you and me
im not that strong
to let this love linger on

moving on, run into you again
moving on, that life was the end

fly away
ive got to get away, get away runaway from here
is this what i see, this cannot be
what ive been told what my life is to look like
ive got to get away, get away get away from here

to know what i dont know
to see what i cant see
this is what my life is suppose to be
a five letter word, that could cause so much hurt
take a chance and see the possibility

the ghost in my past
i hope this moment doesnt last

cynical or am i?

2007-02-24T00:26:00.000-06:00

for my life time that i have been able to date... which has been a matter of 10 years, i havent. mainly because i have had standards. well that was what i called them and everyone around me and the people who taught me to "have standards" priscilla "God is protecting you" or my personal favorite " your intimidating, your so beautiful" , anyways this is just some of the many things i have heard my life. now as i sit here and im almost 27 and have never truly had a boyfriend i am starting to ask the question what is wrong with me? or what is wrong with the "high standards" i have had. and what if what everyone calls settling really isnt settling. everyone has problems, issues as i like to call them. God knows i am a queen of them. what if having standards that are never going to be attainable is really what is settling because that leaves me alone and lonely the very thing that i dont want. and settling means settling for something that you really dont want. and the truth is that i do want a boyfriend, to eventually get married, a person that i can laugh with and be goofy with but there is a connection spiritually. i just think that maybe the thoughts i have had about "boyfriend, dating, relationships" has really kept me from alot. and to me that is settling. and the whole thing about pursuit, im not sure what i think about that right now. im wondering if that will ever happen. does that even exsist in the mindset of a man. im not sure that it does. i think we have emasculated it so much that it wont happen. in this moment i pretty convinced that i will probably never get married, so i might as well come to terms with it now so i can get over the hope of ever having it. i should just go ahead and move to some island and live alone with Jesus. that would be much less painful. would you say i was being cynical, well im not sure that i am as much as i would say that i am being a realist at this point. not cynical, a realist. i would say hopeless. because i dont have any at this point. i mean when my closest friends says to me " if i could find a male prostitute for you i would" that pretty much leaves me hopeless that my only option right now is a meaningless lay and a moment of feel good. that is pretty much hopeless. doesnt say much of hope... i mean really.