come down from the top of that mountain

Rise up from the bottom of the sea, while I empty out the pockets of my life, with nothing to bring but my inquities.....

The cry of my heart is that in this deep layer that I sit in, God would come down off the top of that mountain and meet me in this time of brokeness, hurt, sin, dirty, lost time of my life and show up. I feel like I can step outside of my situation,see what is wrong, know why I'm making the decisions I have made,but the tools that worked on the surface healing aren't strong enough to work on what's going in me right now!!! I don't know how to fix what is wrong. But I know what's wrong but I don't know how to make it right. I can see it but I can't fix it. So I'm banging on the door of Gods heart, crying out for him to come down off the top of His mountain. Hook me up to His heart never to be free.I don't know how desperate I have to get, but I was once told that God met desperation. So I will be desperate until death if only to meet Him. With a broken heart, a dirty heart, here I am only to give you what I have. It isn't anything but dirty. Jesus please let me know of your love. Your touch, your voice, a whisper, anything that has your scent I want it!!!! I'm desperate for you to come down off of that mountain.

touching the pain for healing

In my life of 28 yrs I have battled a lie since my exsistence in the womb. The lie that shatters me to the very core of who I am, and the lie that I have spent @ least the last 7 years trying to counteract with the truth that I am loved. Has it worked? Well I'm still on the journey of answering that. I have had so much inner healing and deliverance, only on a layer by layer basis, but it seemed to be enough for my core being. But as I have walked thru the last few weeks, I would see that those layers have only been the start of a process that would be more painful than the lie I have believed my entire life, "you are not worth loving"! You see this lie had become truth, it screamed to me everyday and evrynite of every moment I took a breath of life. Who knew I was really breathing in death. This lie had become a part of my exsistence. So now as I'm learning the REAL truth, the truth that had been built now has to come down. My world as I knew has to fall apart so a new one can be built. This is painful more than the lie because altho the end result will be AMAZING, I'm having to go to the core of who I thought I was, " priscilla the unloveable, priscilla the ugly, priscilla the one that isn't worth it" and demolish the spirit of that world that has breathed death, go in and touch the place where that use to live and bring TRUTH to it and rebuild with new life, with truth. " Priscilla is worth it, priscilla is loveable, priscilla is beautiful". But to rebuild that I have to be willing to touch the lie, feel the pain of what has been spoken to me time and time again.

Where is this coming from? U ask. Well a few months ago I asked Holy Spirit to come in and lead me to the place that brings complete healing. I asked him to take my hand and guide me because I didn't know how to get there on my own, and I was to scared to ask how to get there, so I said Holy Spirit you take me. So here we go again on the continual journey of healing.... Father issues begin to surface in ways I hadn't experienced. As life happened I asked myself why I was making the decisions I was making. Decisions that even in the lowest of my life I had not even contemplated. I knew something was happening, something was being stirred. It seemed like whatever this was, was affecting every area of my life in all decisions. I knew immediately it was a deeper issue of a father wound. In a moment I decided to buy a ticket and go see my dad, get this over once and for all. But that was in my spontaniety, in a moment of reason I also thought, u should wait. Why I listened to reason I'm not sure, because in that moment I knew I was suppose to go and see him. I didn't. 2 weeks later I got a phone call telling me of his death. He had a massive heartattack. As u can imagine how I've kicked myself over and over again for not listening to what I now know was Holy Spirit quickening my spirit to get resolve while I could. Altho I kicked myself I also know that I can't continue to kick myself because there isn't anything to change the circumstance that I'm surrounded with. With my dad dying and not having resolution the issues of my worth and everything that comes along with that have been overwhelming and so in my face that I can't do anything else but face them head on and go deeper than ever before with the help of Holy Spirit my most amazing and bestest friend of all time. Its funny how we have a love hate relationship, well my side is like that. Haha. And only because I love Him so much am I willing to deal with the source of pain that I hate so much. That's what I mean about love hate relationship. This is the first time in a long time that my relationship feels real again with Holy Spirit. I have missed Him sooo much.

I remember once Holy Spirit told me for me to look like Him all my shit had to surface and rid of, which looked like going to the root issue and touching the pain. He said it would look ugly and be painful but if I was willing I would look just like He intended me to. The process is ugly to look beautiful. So I guess the journey of this life, my life, is a journey of healing, out of the ordinary, risky, leaps of faith when I'm not sure, and most importantly love. I know for me to reach that goal, I have to touch the pain so there can be healing.