the process

Im in a process that litterally is killing me, I feel it from every area in my life, I am jkust asking God to give me grace to live this way. I know most would think that I enjoy the spontaniety in my life and for the most part I do, But there are times when Iwould really like to just know! Know anything that would be helpful, but that doesnt seem to be the way it works in my life. So I am learning how to walk blindly with Jesus to trust Him, and I didnt realize how hard that is for me but it is, I am having to trust Him with my heart. And this has been a particularly hard area for me in my life. I know that God is good, but when it comes to matters of the heart, will He be true. I need grace to live in this part of my heart. the responsibility of the heart is a big thing, the responsibility to be vulnerable. That is extremely difficult. I have to trust that people are going to value that, that God is gonna protect me, I have to trust God is the ultimate issue. Will God protect me? I want to say yes, but Im not sure what my answer is right now! And that breaks my heart, that I couldnt say yes with confidence to that question. I have been working thru so many trust issues lately. Fear issues, just issues in general. I mean when it comes to miracles, healings, and other issues to have faith, It feels as if there is no problem with it, but with my heart,that seems to be another issue. I am afraid to go there, to let that part of me breathe, my heart is like a fire, the more it breathes, the more air flow it gets, it grows, and that is scary! What if I beleive and it doesnt happen, what if I want it and it doesnt happen, what if I dare to dream and they get smashed. I would rather not believe and live my life the way it is, which is happy and free of heart ache, then to live with disappointment. I tasted of something that I cant have, so I buried it and will kill it, b/c i cant go there. It is too painful, so Papa forgive me of my unbelief! I really am sorry. I dont know how to believe for this, I need you to help me if this is what you want me to do!I know what I am suppose to do, but I dont know if I can, but I really want to, but I dont know if I can! God I Know that you are Good to the core of who you are, I do know this, but Im not sure if what I want and desire is from you? How to be sure what I think is from you? to trust that? I am just being real and totally raw. I am desperate for you to show up in my life Jesus, I cant do this without you, please come!!!