its funny... i changed my address today. as i did it, it felt good. in the last 4 years i have kept my mom's address as my permanent address. but today i just changed that. since i have been back from africa everything has been different. you know you always hear people say " this is going to change your life" and you come back from a trip and your still the same, a little disappointed that things still look the same, smell the same, taste the same, feel the same. well i went to africa/ london and had the time of my life. it was so much fun. i spent every moment with Holy Spirit, laughing, relaxing and being with great people. i came back from that trip, i thought the same, but when i got back into the states... my life freakin turned upside down. i was faced with moments of compromise that i thought i was beyond, i had walked passed. but as i stood there and they looked me straight in the eye i found myself making decisions out of a place that was wounded, broken and hurting. places i thought were healed..i found out in a moment of weakness werent. but all this to say the beginning of this year changed my relationship a bit with Holy Spirit. not in a bad way, it just changed. as relationships do, it jsut changed. we were still friends but not like it was. i think that i felt a little abandoned by Him. i felt like a the time i didnt have any friends that really understood what was happening to me or that really wanted to bc they were dealing with thier own crap. so my father wound of feeling abandoned just went a little deeper in those months. but really in those few months was the first time i had ever rreally allowed myself to feel the intensity of the pain from the wound. Holy Spirit came in and started the healing process. and it has been a continual process throughout this whole year, which is making me more whole. but today as i was looking for another job, running errands, i felt this thing in me longing for Holy Spirit the way we use to be. i want to talk to me in the middle of the night like he use to. wake me up bc he was so excited to see me face, look into my eyes. tell me things about people in the day and morning. i miss Him. we are still friends. good friends. but i want it again, the closeness and this time i want it to be more than what it was. i think that has been the reason i have felt the way i had the other night alone. it has brought me to this place of re-evaluating my life with Holy Spirit and realizing what it is thats really going on. im being brought to this place again to get closer to Him. and this time, its not bc im broken and wounded so badly, its jsut simply to be with HIm, like we use to be and more. that makes me excited. bc the truth is he never leaves me, and im not alone. my address has changed but we are still together. im going to have my time with Holy Spirit. im longing for HIm so badly. im glad im here. i like LA, its just another city. but when i walk the streets and see the loneliness in peoples eyes. i know that i have something to offer. love. it works, i promise. i just want to love. knowing that HolySpirit asked me to be here, i see why now. and that makes it all worth while.
