beauty in the breakdown

life is full of things that you have to grab hold of, and things that you have to let go of! but to determine what to do with which is the hardest part! you hear so often in life, well at least i do in my own. probably bc i am constantly telling myself these things, giving myself my own advice..."Priscilla chill right out". let it go, your not in control, trust Jesus, He has nothing but good things for you! seems simple right?!?!? yeh what the hell ever! that is the hardest thing to do in life, im convinced of it! some areas of my life it is easy, but alot of areas it is really hard! my issues seem to be bubbling over my layered wall i have built. and this is good bc that means that finally i am getting healing on the deeper issues of my life. but can i just tell you that it is hard! really hard. my life is suppose to look simple, fun and full of love. these are all the things i want to represent in my lifetime. SHe was fun to be around, laughed alot, loved more and she just was herself and wanted others to be ok with who they were as well! that is what i want in life. to be known for those things. so i am on a journey grabbing hold of those tiny nuggets that will build my life into those things. but alot in this journey there have been things in my life that would hinder me from living a life like this, whether it was from a childhood experience, family matters, friends, other relationships along the way...my own beliefs whatever the cause of the hinderance it is now time to let go of those things so i can fully be me! alive and well, full of laughter, joy, faith, hope and love! this is my destiny to be those things, not a certain place to occupy, or my status in the world. but to be "those things" in every place that my hearts takes its place, where ever i find myself..living to the fullest of who i am! i have to seriosuly grab hold of Jesus, my fist clinched tight, and then let go of everything else. no matter what it is, especially all the bad. to be fully whole, im letting go, i have to. Even if there is no justification in it, Jesus is my justice. now that seems all great that im writing this, but im walking thru it and it is really hard. it all started when i got back from africa, and it hasnt seem to stop! so im learning how to trust His amazing grace for my life to walk thru the hardest part. im letting go and realising even more that thier is beauty in the breakdown of it all.

heart surgery

i often find myself in this place. and im not sure that i like it. it is a place where im controlled by my emotions. and when it happens i realise it and then ask Holy Spirit to invade my life in that moment and control the atmosphere of my heart. it works and im learning how to not live that way. im also learning this is just who i am. and to be ok with it. i was re-reading some of my blogs last nite and realised that this time last year i was in the same place, but this time it seems a bit deeper. i guess that is how it usually goes. layer by layer. the biggest issue in my life seems to be a father wound. something that gets old to deal with. but when reality sets in that it effects every area of my life, this could possibly be the biggest deliverance of my life. i feel desperate to walk thru it although it will hurt like hell. the pain that has surfaced already is so deep that im not sure any sozo could touch it. maybe just the tears that stream down my cheek are really the tools of healing, allowing myself to feel the pain instead of surpressing it and being tough when really im just a gurl in need of her daddy to say, i love you just the way you are. i'll show you that im trustworthy. i wont leave you and i want you in my life. when i look back at layers of healing that has already taken place i realise it has been a setup this whole time, it was just the preface for what is about to happen. my heart is about to be open completely, me on the table getting prepped for surgery, that is what the last 6 years have been. me being prepped for this heart surgery that is about to take place. im wide awake though, hearing all that is around me.... its happening. im taking it day by day, hoping that the surgery is over soon and that i have a fast recovery.

all that is going on

the last time that i knew... which was a few weeks ago, i was staying in nashville. well that was the plan. but it seems that God always has a different one than i do and then later on i find out after i run my mouth...when will i ever learn?!?!?! haha. well i am officially moving to LA. i am moving with a good friend of mine danelle. we are very excited. we move the end of august, beginning of september. it was cool because i felt that june was going to bring change, but i wasnt sure what it was going to look like. but i could feel the change in the air, i litterally felt it. i dont know how to explain but i have felt this several times, when i moved to nashville from redding and so on. i feel good about it this time as well, that the timing is right. before when i felt LA in my spirit, i knew that it wasnt the right timing. im sure there was alot that was involved in that. but im loving that im learning how to truly embrace change and let go of the things that need to be let go of. in the meantime, im working at a bar. that is interesting!!! but it will be great money, and easy to save for LA. im so excited about moving, i wanna be out there tomorrow. im glad that i waited and didnt impulsively move out there in the spring, it would have been all wrong. this summer is going to be awesome. im excited about the call here in nashville. it will be cool to see what God does. ... and of course im dealing with issues, it is like i get a small break and then up again they come. well at least i had a small breather. i just want to look more like Jesus, know Holy Spirit better and know Daddy's love for me more. and if that means constantly going thru deliverance then so be it, it is well worth it. just as long as i do get the small breathing moments to catch my breath. Holy Spirit..i want to know you more. i need to know you more. please, it doesnt look like it use to, but im not sure that it would work anyways, please just show up..however that looks. i love you, and need you.