heart surgery

i often find myself in this place. and im not sure that i like it. it is a place where im controlled by my emotions. and when it happens i realise it and then ask Holy Spirit to invade my life in that moment and control the atmosphere of my heart. it works and im learning how to not live that way. im also learning this is just who i am. and to be ok with it. i was re-reading some of my blogs last nite and realised that this time last year i was in the same place, but this time it seems a bit deeper. i guess that is how it usually goes. layer by layer. the biggest issue in my life seems to be a father wound. something that gets old to deal with. but when reality sets in that it effects every area of my life, this could possibly be the biggest deliverance of my life. i feel desperate to walk thru it although it will hurt like hell. the pain that has surfaced already is so deep that im not sure any sozo could touch it. maybe just the tears that stream down my cheek are really the tools of healing, allowing myself to feel the pain instead of surpressing it and being tough when really im just a gurl in need of her daddy to say, i love you just the way you are. i'll show you that im trustworthy. i wont leave you and i want you in my life. when i look back at layers of healing that has already taken place i realise it has been a setup this whole time, it was just the preface for what is about to happen. my heart is about to be open completely, me on the table getting prepped for surgery, that is what the last 6 years have been. me being prepped for this heart surgery that is about to take place. im wide awake though, hearing all that is around me.... its happening. im taking it day by day, hoping that the surgery is over soon and that i have a fast recovery.