do you believe?

in november of 07' i felt the lord ask me something in the wee hours of the night. all lights out, listening to the sounds of a night filled with silence. i hear the Lord ask me something that He has asked me many times before

"priscilla, do u believe?"

at first my thoughts race to the many different issues He could be touching on, and many of which i would have to answer no to, or they wouldnt be issues.. haha. but as i calmed my thoughts down, i asked " believe what?" and His response " believe that i am a God of promise, a God that will do what He says He will do?"

so with everything in side of me, i wanted to answer yes... but all that was there was silence... we talked some more and much laughter came of that nite... but the question still haunted my thoughts, it came out in my dreams, in my everyday life when i was faced with certain circumstances and it rises inside of me.. " do u believe?"

out of that i realised.. i didnt. my heart had been hurt, disappointed, let down, mad, broken, scattered and torn and i couldnt find it. i couldnt go to that place where the hurt was so deep inside so i had shut it down. i closed that part of my heart off to myself and the rest of the world only living half alive, and that means that i was partly dead. and we all know that which is dead if not cleaned properly starts to stink, and eventually will surface. well that what was happening with me, God asked a question and things started to surface. my cry is to be fully alive, make me alive on the inside so it poors out on the outside. so when people are around me i breathe life and they feel alive truly being able to be themselves. but if i am only half alive then the fullness of who God is in me cant come out. so in the last 4 months this question has been brewing in my spirit, in my soul. not being able to answer yes to it, i was on a quest to deal with what was keeping me from answering yes. "Dear God help me with my unbelief. i want to believe." but lets be honest when we have dealt with disappointment and hurt that feels like it has come from God, we dont believe.. hope defferred makes the heart sick. and that had happened. altho i was in deep denial continuing to walk in what i knew to be true my heart was really in deep pain. the last year i questioned everything i knew to be true bc of a certain situation. i thought i heard from the Lord on something and then after sometime of it not happening thought maybe i didnt. which in return actually gets down to me really not trusting Him. and thats from some father issues i have but none-the-less that was what happened. so on my journey of getting to the bottom of my not trusting Papa God... i want to say yes to this question... " do you believe?" God started talking to me about belief. i had this revelation sometime ago but this is on a deeper level. He says to me..

"when you arent in agreement with what i say about you, you are in direct agreement with the enemy, whether you intend to or not. that means anything, the way you look, who you are, what i say is yours, anything in life. whatever i say, if you dont BELIEVE what i say, you are in agreement with the power of the enemy in your life, you give him power freely to do what he pleases"

WHOA.... that is huge

unbelief is the only sin in the new testament... which involves fear. when we dont believe it creates a lifestyle of sin. which will kill you physically or spritually. we were created to believe. believing creates life, a life worth living, it creates the impossible.
believing brings healing. what was the questioned that Jesus asked in the word all the time. do you believe? OMG... this is huge. Do you believe???? seeing isnt believing, believing is seeing...

so in the last few months i have been asking the Lord to help my unbelief. i wanna believe God help me. i wanna trust you, God help me. i have to be honest about where i have been with HIm, He knows anyways. so God help my unbelief. i have been asking Him to take an axe to the root of any faulty belief system i had created to survive.i dont want to just survive, i want to BE-ALIVE. so that is exactly what He has been doing... getting rid of my unbelief. so im getting to a place where i can say that I believe again.. i am getting to the place where i can say yes very soon. i still need help and im still trudging thru the issues of my unbelief, but God is showing himself faithful as He always does which is helping my unbelief to turn in to BELIEVING.