breathe in and breathe out

i feel so broken. last year was possibly the hardest year i have ever had. even surrounded by people that loved me and i love them. i felt all alone and completely by myself. there was the summer months that were bareable and fun. and it was a good thing that i did have a few friends that were there for me, and if it werent for them im sure it would have been even worse. suffice to say last year has been the hardest year i have ever lived. so after summer was over i felt the urging and desire of Holy Spirit for me to move to L.A., so i did after much debate, heels dragging and fists clinching. i made the change. i got here and the year was a continum of hardknocks!!! there was so much going on that a few sentences wouldnt articulate the matters of the heart that were being dealt with. truly the only thing that could really explain last year is the silence of my words and the tears in my eyes of a faint heartbeat. so when christmas arrived i couldnt go home and didnt want to stay here by myself, so i went to redding. upon returning i realized that i didnt want to stay here. my heart was hurting for home. for relationships that ran deep. for people who loved me no matter what state of mind i was in. no matter what, i know in nashville my people love me, they know me. so i decided to move home. i decided that 2008 was not going to look like 2007. i want this year to be fun, full of life and surrounded with people and family that im in love with. after much thought i made the decision, im moving back to nashvile. i gave my 2 weeks at work and had a friend fly out here to drive back with me. we were scheduled to leave saturday the 26th @ 6 am. with all my bags packed and me ready to go home, i woke @ 5:30am hopped in the shower and i hear holy spirit say "priscilla you can go home and everything will be good, but i really WANT you to stay" my heart dropped. i knew @ that moment i wasnt leaving. the weight of His want and desire for me to stay far outweighed my selfish desire to be comfortable and have immediate deep relationships around me. so i jumped out of the shower, and went to my roomate at 6 am and told her i wasnt leaving. i couldnt, it wasnt time yet. me deciding that i was staying didnt change my want or my desire for home. it just changed the priority of my desire. u see no matter how hard the circumstance or surroundings around me, ultimately i want excatly what Holy Spirit wants. i love him, but He loves me and that is how i can stay even though i want to go. i believe that when we are young in the Lord that often we get to do what is easy and what we want., and there is grace for that. but as we start walking with the Lord and go from level to level of maturity He starts to ask us to do things we dont nessecarily want to do, BUT because His love for us is so massive and we learn of it, know it we are able to love Him more and from that we are able to do what He asks of us no matter how hard, no matter how much we dont want to. i dont understand it all, He didnt give me a reason of why He wanted me to stay, just that He really wanted me to. and i felt the weight, the depth of the want. and that was enough. so i guess im here to what im not sure, maybe the only hting i know im good at and that is relationship, but in the meantime whie time is on my side im just going to breathe in and breathe out.