Epiphany

"If you aren't happy, that's YOUR problem" Things I have known and lived by for years, until I moved to LA.

Living in Nashville, life without choice is easier. meaning, you arent chossing an easy life, it just is. Relationships, jobs, family. The Value is a bit different. So being comfortable with being me was more natural. People KNEW me, the real me. fun. laid back. free spirit. forgiving. all things good. even my worse wasnt that bad, if i do say so myself. I liked me which enabled others to like me as well. Moving to LA was like having to find myself all over again. it was weird for me, i had lived in London, and Africa. Living in either of those places were easy. It wasnt hard for me, i still made friends, things didnt bother me, i was positive no matter what came my way, even in the negative it was positive. lol. living in those places, I still KNEW who i was and what I had to offer, although they were new places to live it wasnt uncomfortable for me, I knew why I went there. But I could not say that for LA.

I moved to LA on a notion that I would get there and then God would show me what my purpose for being in this city. A city of "singleness" meaning a mindset of only thinking about one thing, yourself., and how loving people to truth of being true to themselves which is ultimately to love, He being God would show me "why" when I got to this city and settled. He would show me How to, when to and what to. He would show me, I would know within myself. But upon arriving it was a completely different journey than i had imagined.

LA will quickly show you who you are and who you are NOT. I always thought about that quote " you havent learned it until its put to the test" All the things I thought I was, I am. But it has definitely been put to the test. Things that I have always wanted to live by: living a life of truth and love, I want to be completely forgiving. Any other way of life is a life of Unforgiveness which harbors anger, bitterness and resentment. It hurts no one but yourself. I had been forgiving of so many unwanted things in life and considering, i thought i accepted life pretty well. But as I continued to live in LA and make choices that I wouldnt have thought to make living anywhere else, i started to really dislike myself. " I cant believe I have made these choices, I know better, I am better than this, How could you" thoughts i had all the time. as time went by, these thoughts were consistent and so was my dislike for myself. but here was the clincher, I didnt know that i was so unforgiving to myself. you see the me I knew, was forgiving. So I didnt know the me I had become, I didnt recognize her, surely I am not that person. If I am displeased with myself enough I will change, if I dont accept this behavior it will change, right?!? it has to. Isnt that what we are taught. negativity, negativity. If I tell myself that i am awful enough, eventually I will change it because I HATE it so much.

For example : say i wanted to lose weight. so everyday i look in the mirror and tell myself that i am fat. you need to lose weight. you are not pretty bc you are fat. if you lose weight THEN you will be pretty. etc...

you see my goal was to be the me i knew and liked, so if i infiltrate my thoughts with what I HATE AND DISLIKE surely it will get strong enuf to force change.

When i was in school, I was taught that whatever you focus on is what you become. EX: If I focus on becoming a great technical singer, then I will do everything possible to become that. I will have thoughts like, I can do this. I am good enough. I have what it takes. take voice lessons, get a voice coach, learn music, etc.. but if i want to be a great singer but all i think about is how i am an awful singer and i cant carry a note, im tone deaf, then it will never inspire the confidence and creativity to become what I WANT to become. We BECOME what consumes our thoughts.

But here is a thought, what if I just loved and accepted myself, just as I am. what if i forgave myself the way I forgive others. what if i loved my body into what i wanted it to be, what if i loved myself into being who I am and who I want to be.

I have the best example of this to learn from.

Jesus.

He died so that we would LIVE. He loves us just as we are and then tells us to do the same thing to ourselves and others. I have said this for years but I am finally putting my own advice to work towards myself. LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING. and if it doesnt change it to what you want, it changes you and then you dont care anymore. LOVE is Perfect. IT CAN NOT FAIL, and WILL NOT FAIL. LOVE. IS. PERFECT.

LOVING MYSELF IS CHANGING MY LIFE.

that was the epiphany. its time to love myself.