still

so last night i gave up, or so at least i thought. omg... it feels like a constant tug of war inside of me. me pulling for control, and HS pulling for control. i mean really who is stronger, well of course HS is. He will win, im sure of it, but right now im not sure that i can let go of it. i mean nothing else in my life is in control, im always outta control... hahha and in most circumstances i ca handle it, just not this one. im not sure that i can do it. i keep hearing that song, ready or not here i come. which is also part of hide n seek. and the fact that i know what is going on, and that HS knows that i know what is going on, almost makes it even worse. well i guess we will soon find out what is to come of it. one day at a time right. HA. we are still in the rink. i'll lose i know but im still fighting. it is stupid huh? it is kinda like the enemy, he loses in the end but yet he is still trying to win. OMG... im like the devil...haha..im so extreme sometimes, only sometimes though. haha but really that is what it is like. and here is the thing, i dont have free will anymore. when i said Jesus i am completely devoted to you, I AM YOURS, my LIFE belongs to YOU. i gave it up. i gave up control, so why then do i still want it so badly. well that is what He wants to rid me of. Im being purified that is for sure.