let my heart be alive
just let my heart be alive, let me be living deep deep on the inside...
come fan the flame...
as i listen to a little bit of misty...singing do what only You can do, come fan the flame.
that is my prayer, my constant desire. God fan the flame, let my heart be alive, let me be living deep deep on the inside. I hear Him say ok. and He asks me a question. "Priscilla my love, are you willing to go there so your heart can be alive, so you can live deep on the inside?" I know what that implies. this is a question that i know is a question that i dont want to answer. bc i really dont want to go there. i mean lets be honest. put it all out there. if i go there, that means issues i have to deal with. bc to truly live the way i want to, i have to be completely free. you see, really all i want is more of God. and for me to get the more of God that i want, i have to deal with my crap so i can get closer. that is the only way. but there is fear on my part, fear of what will happen when i do go there? the unknown? will i get hurt, oh no, i will have to deal with the hurt that i have just lived in denial about bc it is so much easier. i mean really lets just be real. who really wants to deal with there crap? no one. it is painful, it hurts. in that going there you realize your faults and others and who wants to think about that stuff. not me that is for sure. if i go there, that means that i will have to be vulnerable again, potentially get hurt, potentially be disappointed, let down, and honestly i just dont think that i can do it. i want to but the fear seems a little bigger than the desire to go there at this point. when i said that IHOP wasnt what i expected that is what i meant. everytime i got in His presence He was like lets deal with this. so many times i just had to get up and leave bc i just couldnt go there. it honestly made me so mad. i was like what the crap God? i jsut wanna be with you and you keep bringing up this issue and i cant go there right now. but He is just as persistent as my stubborness. He keeps bringing it up, to the point that i cant go any further until i deal with this one thing. so here i am tonight, almost in melt down mode bc i know that it is time. i have to get before the feet of Jesus and deal with this one thing. He is doing exactly what i have been asking Him for, fan the flame, more of you God, more love, burn my heart with fire, He is doing it...our ever faithful God. He always is faithful. So for my heart to be alive and for me to live deep, deep on the inside is to get rid of my crap. it is funny, when you ask Papa to love more, to have more of Him, and He asks you to be vulnerable and love people. are you willing to go there? if and when He asks that question, you better not answer until you are for sure. bc you will go there and if you answer yes for the sake of saying yes...you will die and it will be painful. just be honest with Him. so bc Papa told me that the more of Him could only come after this was taken care of, and my desire for Him is greater than anything else. and after days and days of torment and arguing with God, i have said yes, i will go there. i just didnt understand on this particular issue why, im good, why? but He is God and apparently He knows better than I. so i will trust in Him and His goodness. So here goes alot of crap hopefully out of me. I guess we will see. Jesus i need you. this is for you. well really more for me, but only bc i want more of You.
come fan the flame...
as i listen to a little bit of misty...singing do what only You can do, come fan the flame.
that is my prayer, my constant desire. God fan the flame, let my heart be alive, let me be living deep deep on the inside. I hear Him say ok. and He asks me a question. "Priscilla my love, are you willing to go there so your heart can be alive, so you can live deep on the inside?" I know what that implies. this is a question that i know is a question that i dont want to answer. bc i really dont want to go there. i mean lets be honest. put it all out there. if i go there, that means issues i have to deal with. bc to truly live the way i want to, i have to be completely free. you see, really all i want is more of God. and for me to get the more of God that i want, i have to deal with my crap so i can get closer. that is the only way. but there is fear on my part, fear of what will happen when i do go there? the unknown? will i get hurt, oh no, i will have to deal with the hurt that i have just lived in denial about bc it is so much easier. i mean really lets just be real. who really wants to deal with there crap? no one. it is painful, it hurts. in that going there you realize your faults and others and who wants to think about that stuff. not me that is for sure. if i go there, that means that i will have to be vulnerable again, potentially get hurt, potentially be disappointed, let down, and honestly i just dont think that i can do it. i want to but the fear seems a little bigger than the desire to go there at this point. when i said that IHOP wasnt what i expected that is what i meant. everytime i got in His presence He was like lets deal with this. so many times i just had to get up and leave bc i just couldnt go there. it honestly made me so mad. i was like what the crap God? i jsut wanna be with you and you keep bringing up this issue and i cant go there right now. but He is just as persistent as my stubborness. He keeps bringing it up, to the point that i cant go any further until i deal with this one thing. so here i am tonight, almost in melt down mode bc i know that it is time. i have to get before the feet of Jesus and deal with this one thing. He is doing exactly what i have been asking Him for, fan the flame, more of you God, more love, burn my heart with fire, He is doing it...our ever faithful God. He always is faithful. So for my heart to be alive and for me to live deep, deep on the inside is to get rid of my crap. it is funny, when you ask Papa to love more, to have more of Him, and He asks you to be vulnerable and love people. are you willing to go there? if and when He asks that question, you better not answer until you are for sure. bc you will go there and if you answer yes for the sake of saying yes...you will die and it will be painful. just be honest with Him. so bc Papa told me that the more of Him could only come after this was taken care of, and my desire for Him is greater than anything else. and after days and days of torment and arguing with God, i have said yes, i will go there. i just didnt understand on this particular issue why, im good, why? but He is God and apparently He knows better than I. so i will trust in Him and His goodness. So here goes alot of crap hopefully out of me. I guess we will see. Jesus i need you. this is for you. well really more for me, but only bc i want more of You.
posted by priscilla at 8:48 PM
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