my heart

this is my heart. for the last two years i have held something in my heart very loosely. at times close, but most of the time very loosely. going back and forth of killing the hell out of it and then fully believing. and it seemed that everytime it died somehow it would come back again. and maybe i did make it come alive again subconscientously. i dont know but i know that it has been there for to long. i dont know what else to do about but just say that i cant handle it anymore. i dont want to want it anymore. i just dont. i dont even know how to make myself not want it. i have tried so many times to do that, but it never seems to work. so i really want it, but bc it never looks like it will happen, i dont. my heart cant bare it anymore. so, im done. Jesus come and erase it all. please come in and take it all. I need Jesus. I just want to enjoy my life with friends and family, laugh and have a great time loving Jesus. I want to know that im loved even more that right now.