repentance

repent (v) - to change the way you think.

so i was thinking of how i use to think and how it is different from then to now. meaning like 6 months ago, to now. when i was in ministry school i use to think that i could change the world. that i was amazing, that i mattered. and hear this out before you start to think o wow, what is goin on with her? i use to think that my life mattered. i counted it as something. i was somebody, although i thought i was weak and poor, i really wasnt. in my heart i thought that i was truly, truly the shit. i thought that if i prayed for anyone that they would get healed. and i called that faith. we called that knowing who we are and what we walk in. for years i have walked in that mindset. i am " a daughter of the king" well at least that is what i have secretly hid behind the identity of being a daughter. knowing that i am loved. i have seen miracles. in the last 6 years i have seen things that most people have only dreamed about seeing in the supernatural. i have seen blind eyes opened, deaf ears opened, muscles growing back underneathe my hands. broken bones healed, creative miracles after creative miracles. cancer disappear. limbs grow back. i have seen countless ways of God showing His love for people. i have stood with tears in my eyes because i am in awe of how great God is. but deep in my heart, it was full of pride that i didnt even know was there. thoughts, like well if i prayed for that person they would have gotten healed because of what i carry, what i walk in. and i didnt find that arrogant, i really thought that because "i thought i knew who i was and what i walked in, the kingdom" but whose kingdom? not HIs that is for sure. i think about the brokeness of paul, of david. david was broken, broken to the core of who he was, but He was a man after God's heart. I dont think david was great because "he knew who he was" but because he knew who God was. He had a revelation of grace. in reality david was a horrible man. he was an adulterer. he lied. he was immoral. he was not that great. so how is it that he knew God, He had His heart? I think that david knew of his weakness and therefore He knew how much he needed God. He was aware of His weakness and knew that without the love of God that he wouldnt have made it anyhwere. in our weakness He is made strong. when we are walking around all proud of who we are, we are strong, where does that leave God? i dont count my life as something, i dont think that my life will ultimately make that big of a difference. i will lose my life to gain His. that will change the course of History, my history, and anyone who walks in that path. but my life on its own no chance. i know that sounds very cliche, but there is much brokeness in this season. for the first time in my christian walk, i know what paul means when he said i count my life as nothing. these are just things i have been thinking of here lately. i just wonder what this season is going to look like, meaning God unteaching me all these things that i have learned. i dont think that it is all wrong but the bigger portion of how i have thought is, and i am relearning it with a brokeness that is so real all i can do is cling to Jesus, and not even because i want to, but because i know that it is the only thing that will keep me, because i trust Him in His goodness. He is good, in my weakness He is good, He is beautiful, to the core of who He is. He is good, He is God. He loves me and i love Him.