silent scream

my heart today feels like there is a hole in it. a friend called me up the other day and said that she had been praying for me and that Papa showed her something about me. you know that tone that people get when they arent sure how you are going to recieve something...yeh it was that tone so i say.... go ahead, just say it. i could feel it. so she laughs and then tells me that God wanted to go deeper with healing me in the area of father issues. i already knew that i had father issues, i mean who wouldnt if your dad leaves you and then have an abusive alcoholic step father. i mean seriously! but i thought that i had dealt with alot of those issues. anyways, she proceeds to tell me that the issue goes even deeper than i can comprehend and that Papa wants to heal this in me, and when rejection happens to me in the area of men, that is why it hurts so bad, more than it should. it is true to, i mean when i get rejected by a guy, it seems to hurt more than it normally should. but it is because this is a deep rooted issue in me that I havent let Papa get to, well this layer anyways. but now it is coming up, and it is painful. it really hurts. all day my heart has litterally hurt. it was wierd. my heart hurts, there is a hole in it, it feels like. im not sure how to go about and get this fixed. i know that there is nothing that i can do to fix it except be with Jesus, and honestly that is the last place that i want to be, because it hurts. i have to be still before him and let him come in and that means that im going to be a wreck. aarrgghhhh. im tired of that, and just dont have the energy for it. i want it to be simple. i really need a dad right now. i need a dad to tell me that i am worth it. someone that is tangible. i need a dad to tell me that i am beautiful and that i am worth it all. whatever the all is, im worth it. i really just want a hug. a hug. no words. just a hug. if i had wings i would fly away today. im not sure where i would go, probably to Papa's arms and have Him hug me, a hug that i could feel. my heart is silent but full of emotion, emotions that i cant put words to. i need you.