Restored
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
For the last 2 years Holy Spirit has been speaking to me about unbelief. Unbelief is the only sin under the new testament. It says that God is looking for people of faith (paraphrased). but before there can be faith there has to be hope. hope is the seed of faith. So for the last few years as I've continued in this journey of following Holy Spirit to the best of my ability, i had realised that my heart had become full of unbelief, and that's why Holy Spirit had come to me giving revelation of unbelief and how one small seed can effect your heart like leaven in bread. It spreads like a disease with no boundaries. I had felt as though God had spoken to my heart years before about a certain matter. my heart was full of hope and faith, i knew it was going to happen. Every dream I had came to pass, every word that was being spoken was happening.... i knew this just had to be the Lord. All of the things that had happened how could i not be full of hope and faith, id wait forever. But as the time grew longer and longer my heart was starting to be full of doubt and disappointment, one day at a time. it was so subtle that i didn't even realise that it was happening until it was a year and half later, and by that time it felt like i was so far from where i use to be that the enemy had made sure that my heart was sick. and it all started with one day. that's all it took, one moment in time. All the enemy needs is a small seed. the spiritual laws and principles apply to both sides of the coin. think about it, if all Jesus is looking for is faith the size of a mustard seed, then does it not make sense that its all it takes for the other side as well. one seed of doubt and the enemy has his foot hole. This is nothing to be fearful of but only something to be aware of. So as the this year has approached my life has seemed to be completely a mess... hot tranny mess.... and i wasnt apologizing for it... lol. but i was crying out for the Lord to help my unbelief. I had seen how it was destroying my life and keeping me in a pattern of a downward spiral, ruining my life. The decisions i was making were completely out of my character and not from my spirit, and i was use to living out of my spirit. I could step outside of my body so to speak and see myself and know why i was making the decisions i was making but i didnt know how to fix it. I was a mess. litterally. ooooffff.... it was not cute. but my heart was still crying out for my gift of faith to be restored, for my hope to be restored, for myself to know the Love of my Father again....
out of that cry here is what happened, one day i had this glimpse of a vision:
I was standing with Jesus, and i saw this girl sitting on what looked like a road, and she was in the middle of it. Her back was faced towards me so i could not see her face. As she was sitting on the ground, her legs were crossed and pulled up towards her, her face was in her knees and she was crying. As I looked @ her, my heart broke for her. I could feel that she didnt know the depth of love that was for her from God. She didnt know. my heart was broken, i wanted her to know that she was loved just as she was by God and that He loved her sooooo much. And I was standing by Jesus, His heart was broken for her as well. He was weeping inside wanting to love her so much and wanting her to know. I felt how deep His love was for this broken girl. And as she turned around to see Jesus, I saw that the girl was ME.
I was so completely undone by God. And in a moment I saw how i really didnt know the depth of His love for me and He was going to a deeper level, I realised that if i really knew His love that i wouldnt be so full of unbelief and i wouldnt have made the choices i had made in the last 2 years. I was broken... completely. So once again, proverbs 13:12 came up. He started speaking to me and brought me back to where the seed of doubt and unbelief came into effect when i came into agreement with it. It was a split second agreement, and from there more seeds were planted and in the last years have been growing and watered. I had become someone else. I wasnt the Priscilla that was completely full of faith and believed every word that was spoken to her from Holy Spirit. I had taken one word that hadnt happened in its fullness and created a seed of unbelief because i was hurt and disappointed. Instead of filling the void with Love and healing, it was full of unbelief and hope deferred. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, which the heart controls your entire being. so if our heart is sick then we are, that means we arent alive, we are dead to who we are and what God says about us. We arent in agreement with the word of God so therefore we are in agreement with what the enemy has for us, to kill, steal and destroy every part of who we are. I was that girl on the middle road crying and broken not knowing that she is loved and what is for her, Until the revelation of that vision hit me. there is a second part of that vision but i have to say this first. Until I could fully grasp what the second part of this vision was God had to prepare me. I was crying out for God to help my unbelief like the father of the little boy who was possesed in Mark 9:24. "God I do believe, help my unbelief" So God started to build my hope again so I could have faith. People that ive known for years, who know me, the real me... started calling me reminding me of who i was almost daily for about a week. I could feel the hope starting to grow, and turn into faith. But it was also a choice for me, God asked me several times.. Do you believe? Yes was my cry, i want to. So as my hope and faith are building the most unlikely things happened to build my faith, but it was odd how it has.
My father died.
I moved
my car died on me beyond repair
I lost my job
and without a job soon to be with no money
And there were other personal things that happened...
all of which I had to believe God was completely in. More hurt came up, but i wasnt hopeless. It was wierd.
But it was God, there was no other way to explain it.
During all of this, this all happened in a 3 month time span, I could feel my spirit rising with joy overflowing and life. And trust me i had hit the darkest hour before the dawn, but i started to see the sun rising. the morning was new. After i lost my job, that was the last straw that broke the camels back. I went for a run to run it off. As i was running Holy Spirit spoke to me. He said "are you tired of living faithless?" He said "Priscilla to whom much is given much is required, you are responsible for what you have seen and experienced and what you arent doing with it. You have stepped out of my umbrella of grace and favor because of your unbelief that has led to disobedience because of your heart that has been sick of hope deferred" Immediately my heart was filled with a spirit of repentance. I was running and crying out for His mercy, i looked like a fool because i was really shouting my heart of repentance..... I finished my run with repentance, came home and had an encounter with Jesus, all i did was repent and cry. It was a true revelation of His love for me. I started to look for jobs immediately. I walked for eight hours for days looking for a job in LA. I wasnt finding anything, but my hope, my faith was growing. It was and still is being put to the test. I finally had a job interview after a few weeks with a cosmetic department. I needed a car tho to drive to the interview so i didnt show up all nasty and sweaty. Just put it this way, God showed up. I meet a guy who decided to give me a few days free to rent a car. then someone else decided to pay for the rest so i could have a car to look for jobs and cart my friends around who were in town. That following sunday i feel the urgency to take communion at church and before i take it i say a prayer " God i take this bread and wine as a reminder of your sons sacrafice, for my life, my stability finacially, the gift of faith i once walked in, faith restored, healings and miracles i once walked in, the prophetic and words of knowledge. this is all mine, you died so i could have these things and even more than before, this will be the beginning of a new week, a new season" as i took the communion i saw this picture of a girl who had a bum leg, and I prayed for her and God healed her. so i walk down to the front of the church after it was over, i was waiting for a friend. I saw this girl who had a boot on her leg, i asked her if i could pray for her leg because i was suppose to her and God was going to heal it. But before i did that, i sensed there was something else wrong, she begins to tell me that she has degenerative disc disease, she has had 4 back surgeries and there is never a time where she isnt in pain. so i pray for her a few times and then start to tell her testimonies of healing, bc the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. As im telling her these, she stops me and says " my back isnt hurting anymore" i keep telling her stories once again she says" did you hear what i just said, my back doesnt hurt any more" my response, of course it doesnt, Jesus loves you. and then i prayed for her foot and she got healed. her fiance was crying by the overwhelming love of God. then i go to starbucks and God gives me the name laura or something like that when a certain girl walked in. as she was leaving i run after her and ask her 'is your name laura' she says its lauren... lol well God wants to speak to you. I pray for her and Holy Spirit downloads what He wants to say.. she starts crying and later i find out she is a believer. hahaha. same day, i go to meet a friend. we are in line at Jamba juice and im at the register and a 100 dollar bill appears in my wallet. i didnt have any money. I started screaming to all of JAmba Juice about how God just made a 100 dollar bill appear in my purse. People were a litle scared but i was so excited i couldnt keep it in, i started preaching right there about His goodness and love. After that day, he spoke to me saying this was His loving kindness restoring my faith and my idenity in Him. That desire fulfilled was His word spoken about me, and when i am walking in His (de-of, sire- father) fullness (fulfilled- word spoken) that is the tree of life. when i am who he created me to be, i would be full of life. Hope faith and love, but the greatest of these is love. hope is the seed of faith and faith is the foundation of love. Love is who we are. because it is who He is. He told me that he was restoring the hope and faith of the extreme people that have walked in the prophetic, miracles, healings and other gifts and that this time it would be more than before. he gave me another analogy:
Priscilla your a runner. when you started to running you couldnt start out at 6 miles a day you had to start out @ 1 and build your way up to 6. and if you stop running for a year or so, you cant start back up at 6 miles, you have to start out low again, but this time, im having you start out where you left off only to excelerate @ an incredible speed. this will happen on a corporate level. this is what im doing for my bride, if they will believe.
So all this to say. Im walking in a gift of faith and im full of life. I know who my God is, and ive seen to much to turn around now. Im back and im excited for this day that we are living in. Ive been restored and its a continual process. we are training for a marathon not a sprint. Be prepared, God is building faith and he is going to do it like he did in Mark, when the father cried out i do believe help my unbelief and Jesus cast out the deaf and dumb spirit and the boy was healed.
second part of the vision:
after the girl turned around for me to see that it was myself, Jesus came up and reminded me all that was mine. Everything that is His is mine, because i am His lover, His bride. whatever i ask for in His name. He showed me the nations, he showed me my family, He showed me los angeles that is the center of our world how it effects every nation. Be prepared to see los angles become a true city of angelic presence that carries heaven on earth, the manifest presence of God. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit will be worshipped in this city. He is looking for a people that will take the kingdom by violent force. (Matthew 11:12) people who arent afraid of man, but only have the fear of God. the time is now. Love is violent. let it be.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
For the last 2 years Holy Spirit has been speaking to me about unbelief. Unbelief is the only sin under the new testament. It says that God is looking for people of faith (paraphrased). but before there can be faith there has to be hope. hope is the seed of faith. So for the last few years as I've continued in this journey of following Holy Spirit to the best of my ability, i had realised that my heart had become full of unbelief, and that's why Holy Spirit had come to me giving revelation of unbelief and how one small seed can effect your heart like leaven in bread. It spreads like a disease with no boundaries. I had felt as though God had spoken to my heart years before about a certain matter. my heart was full of hope and faith, i knew it was going to happen. Every dream I had came to pass, every word that was being spoken was happening.... i knew this just had to be the Lord. All of the things that had happened how could i not be full of hope and faith, id wait forever. But as the time grew longer and longer my heart was starting to be full of doubt and disappointment, one day at a time. it was so subtle that i didn't even realise that it was happening until it was a year and half later, and by that time it felt like i was so far from where i use to be that the enemy had made sure that my heart was sick. and it all started with one day. that's all it took, one moment in time. All the enemy needs is a small seed. the spiritual laws and principles apply to both sides of the coin. think about it, if all Jesus is looking for is faith the size of a mustard seed, then does it not make sense that its all it takes for the other side as well. one seed of doubt and the enemy has his foot hole. This is nothing to be fearful of but only something to be aware of. So as the this year has approached my life has seemed to be completely a mess... hot tranny mess.... and i wasnt apologizing for it... lol. but i was crying out for the Lord to help my unbelief. I had seen how it was destroying my life and keeping me in a pattern of a downward spiral, ruining my life. The decisions i was making were completely out of my character and not from my spirit, and i was use to living out of my spirit. I could step outside of my body so to speak and see myself and know why i was making the decisions i was making but i didnt know how to fix it. I was a mess. litterally. ooooffff.... it was not cute. but my heart was still crying out for my gift of faith to be restored, for my hope to be restored, for myself to know the Love of my Father again....
out of that cry here is what happened, one day i had this glimpse of a vision:
I was standing with Jesus, and i saw this girl sitting on what looked like a road, and she was in the middle of it. Her back was faced towards me so i could not see her face. As she was sitting on the ground, her legs were crossed and pulled up towards her, her face was in her knees and she was crying. As I looked @ her, my heart broke for her. I could feel that she didnt know the depth of love that was for her from God. She didnt know. my heart was broken, i wanted her to know that she was loved just as she was by God and that He loved her sooooo much. And I was standing by Jesus, His heart was broken for her as well. He was weeping inside wanting to love her so much and wanting her to know. I felt how deep His love was for this broken girl. And as she turned around to see Jesus, I saw that the girl was ME.
I was so completely undone by God. And in a moment I saw how i really didnt know the depth of His love for me and He was going to a deeper level, I realised that if i really knew His love that i wouldnt be so full of unbelief and i wouldnt have made the choices i had made in the last 2 years. I was broken... completely. So once again, proverbs 13:12 came up. He started speaking to me and brought me back to where the seed of doubt and unbelief came into effect when i came into agreement with it. It was a split second agreement, and from there more seeds were planted and in the last years have been growing and watered. I had become someone else. I wasnt the Priscilla that was completely full of faith and believed every word that was spoken to her from Holy Spirit. I had taken one word that hadnt happened in its fullness and created a seed of unbelief because i was hurt and disappointed. Instead of filling the void with Love and healing, it was full of unbelief and hope deferred. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, which the heart controls your entire being. so if our heart is sick then we are, that means we arent alive, we are dead to who we are and what God says about us. We arent in agreement with the word of God so therefore we are in agreement with what the enemy has for us, to kill, steal and destroy every part of who we are. I was that girl on the middle road crying and broken not knowing that she is loved and what is for her, Until the revelation of that vision hit me. there is a second part of that vision but i have to say this first. Until I could fully grasp what the second part of this vision was God had to prepare me. I was crying out for God to help my unbelief like the father of the little boy who was possesed in Mark 9:24. "God I do believe, help my unbelief" So God started to build my hope again so I could have faith. People that ive known for years, who know me, the real me... started calling me reminding me of who i was almost daily for about a week. I could feel the hope starting to grow, and turn into faith. But it was also a choice for me, God asked me several times.. Do you believe? Yes was my cry, i want to. So as my hope and faith are building the most unlikely things happened to build my faith, but it was odd how it has.
My father died.
I moved
my car died on me beyond repair
I lost my job
and without a job soon to be with no money
And there were other personal things that happened...
all of which I had to believe God was completely in. More hurt came up, but i wasnt hopeless. It was wierd.
But it was God, there was no other way to explain it.
During all of this, this all happened in a 3 month time span, I could feel my spirit rising with joy overflowing and life. And trust me i had hit the darkest hour before the dawn, but i started to see the sun rising. the morning was new. After i lost my job, that was the last straw that broke the camels back. I went for a run to run it off. As i was running Holy Spirit spoke to me. He said "are you tired of living faithless?" He said "Priscilla to whom much is given much is required, you are responsible for what you have seen and experienced and what you arent doing with it. You have stepped out of my umbrella of grace and favor because of your unbelief that has led to disobedience because of your heart that has been sick of hope deferred" Immediately my heart was filled with a spirit of repentance. I was running and crying out for His mercy, i looked like a fool because i was really shouting my heart of repentance..... I finished my run with repentance, came home and had an encounter with Jesus, all i did was repent and cry. It was a true revelation of His love for me. I started to look for jobs immediately. I walked for eight hours for days looking for a job in LA. I wasnt finding anything, but my hope, my faith was growing. It was and still is being put to the test. I finally had a job interview after a few weeks with a cosmetic department. I needed a car tho to drive to the interview so i didnt show up all nasty and sweaty. Just put it this way, God showed up. I meet a guy who decided to give me a few days free to rent a car. then someone else decided to pay for the rest so i could have a car to look for jobs and cart my friends around who were in town. That following sunday i feel the urgency to take communion at church and before i take it i say a prayer " God i take this bread and wine as a reminder of your sons sacrafice, for my life, my stability finacially, the gift of faith i once walked in, faith restored, healings and miracles i once walked in, the prophetic and words of knowledge. this is all mine, you died so i could have these things and even more than before, this will be the beginning of a new week, a new season" as i took the communion i saw this picture of a girl who had a bum leg, and I prayed for her and God healed her. so i walk down to the front of the church after it was over, i was waiting for a friend. I saw this girl who had a boot on her leg, i asked her if i could pray for her leg because i was suppose to her and God was going to heal it. But before i did that, i sensed there was something else wrong, she begins to tell me that she has degenerative disc disease, she has had 4 back surgeries and there is never a time where she isnt in pain. so i pray for her a few times and then start to tell her testimonies of healing, bc the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. As im telling her these, she stops me and says " my back isnt hurting anymore" i keep telling her stories once again she says" did you hear what i just said, my back doesnt hurt any more" my response, of course it doesnt, Jesus loves you. and then i prayed for her foot and she got healed. her fiance was crying by the overwhelming love of God. then i go to starbucks and God gives me the name laura or something like that when a certain girl walked in. as she was leaving i run after her and ask her 'is your name laura' she says its lauren... lol well God wants to speak to you. I pray for her and Holy Spirit downloads what He wants to say.. she starts crying and later i find out she is a believer. hahaha. same day, i go to meet a friend. we are in line at Jamba juice and im at the register and a 100 dollar bill appears in my wallet. i didnt have any money. I started screaming to all of JAmba Juice about how God just made a 100 dollar bill appear in my purse. People were a litle scared but i was so excited i couldnt keep it in, i started preaching right there about His goodness and love. After that day, he spoke to me saying this was His loving kindness restoring my faith and my idenity in Him. That desire fulfilled was His word spoken about me, and when i am walking in His (de-of, sire- father) fullness (fulfilled- word spoken) that is the tree of life. when i am who he created me to be, i would be full of life. Hope faith and love, but the greatest of these is love. hope is the seed of faith and faith is the foundation of love. Love is who we are. because it is who He is. He told me that he was restoring the hope and faith of the extreme people that have walked in the prophetic, miracles, healings and other gifts and that this time it would be more than before. he gave me another analogy:
Priscilla your a runner. when you started to running you couldnt start out at 6 miles a day you had to start out @ 1 and build your way up to 6. and if you stop running for a year or so, you cant start back up at 6 miles, you have to start out low again, but this time, im having you start out where you left off only to excelerate @ an incredible speed. this will happen on a corporate level. this is what im doing for my bride, if they will believe.
So all this to say. Im walking in a gift of faith and im full of life. I know who my God is, and ive seen to much to turn around now. Im back and im excited for this day that we are living in. Ive been restored and its a continual process. we are training for a marathon not a sprint. Be prepared, God is building faith and he is going to do it like he did in Mark, when the father cried out i do believe help my unbelief and Jesus cast out the deaf and dumb spirit and the boy was healed.
second part of the vision:
after the girl turned around for me to see that it was myself, Jesus came up and reminded me all that was mine. Everything that is His is mine, because i am His lover, His bride. whatever i ask for in His name. He showed me the nations, he showed me my family, He showed me los angeles that is the center of our world how it effects every nation. Be prepared to see los angles become a true city of angelic presence that carries heaven on earth, the manifest presence of God. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit will be worshipped in this city. He is looking for a people that will take the kingdom by violent force. (Matthew 11:12) people who arent afraid of man, but only have the fear of God. the time is now. Love is violent. let it be.
posted by priscilla at 7:04 PM
1 Comments:
wow. that's right on. thanks for sharing your heart. you know how when your receive something... you feel lighter? well, i feel lighter.
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