Reality

I didnt leave, I just had felt like I was suppose to fast the internet and tv. WOW, was that hard, the internet at least. When I started it I was so excited, thinking, this is gonna be amazing, Im gonna have some major God encounters, going to heaven into different rooms, seeing angels manifest physically, Jesus appearing before me in the throne room, yeah all that was going thru my head! what was this about to look like? I just knew that some life altering, and some huge manifestation was gonna happen, I have been so desperate and hungry for Him, He has to show up right? Well yeah but never how we think. A few days into the fast, I realized how much more I really loved and hated silence. I realized how much time I wasted on the internet and how much time I really had on my hands to really change even to a greater degree the atmosphere and people around me. So I asked Papa what was this for? And you know what He said, it wasnt to give me any heavy reavies, no great revelation to change my life and nothing huge and excentric like myself, but something simple and not complex. He said I just wanted to be with you! And that was it, He just wanted to be with me. In the silence of thoughts and songs in my head, He just wanted to be with me and know that every moment of silence with Him was for Him. He just wanted to enjoy looking at me, and listening to my thought process which can sometimes be scary as we all know. It actually caused me to think about things I didnt want to, but couldnt escape from b/c there was nowhere to go. I had to endure the journey of my thoughts and heart and dig even deeper to know myself even a little better than before. So what has this fast done for me? It has brought me closer to myself and to God. And here is the great thing about it, I did have revelation, it was just different than I expected. I have been hounded about how I think I am great or amazing or beautiful. But Papa told me that I was in the right mindset. In the word it says that we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. We can not love others until we truly love ourselves, not in a pompous arrogant way but in a true God form of loving ourselves, and we can ony do that when we know the truth of how Papa loves us, we can only love as much as we know we are loved and we can only love people as much as we love ourselves, I guess that is why I love people so much. Cause I love myself alot. I do think I am pretty amazing. God is wonderfully awesome. He is so good and is so faithful and He doesnt know how to be anything other than what He is and that is GOOD! And FAITHFUL! All the time. I am still so hungry for Him and want so much more. Can I handle it, when I breathe Him in this time , will I breathe deeper than before? Can I even breathe that deep, and when I dig deeper will I find Him there? Will I find myself there, or what will I find? I dont know but I am willing to find out, I am willing to take the chance and risk it just to have a bit more, just to have another taste of His goodness, will it feel like this forever? I often think to myself that this pain I feel of wanting more, I hope that it gets satisfied but at the same time I hope it never does. I hope I am always even more hungry than the time before, more desperate than the time before when I got full. Im always wanting to be full and hoping I never am. I know it seems contradicting but if you think about it, it isnt.

My prayer: God make me ever so desperate and hungry to be full, doing what ever it takes to get there, but never being satisfied, never being filled. I just want more....


And as I come into this place
May all around me be erased
And I focus on your ways
May I lose myself in your embrace.

I need you more
More than words can say
I need to see your face.
I need you more
More than words can say
I need to see your face.


I sit here listening to this song over and over knowing that my hunger grows and grows everytime I hear it...

I need you more, more than words can say

I cant go any futher until I have more, I cant take another breath until I have more. I am on my face soaking the floor beneathe me with tears of wanting more, just more, more, more...