the reality is.....

that i am scared out of my mind. what if i suck at hair and makeup? what if i screw up again? what if it doesnt work out? what if im wrong again? i think i have heard God in so many areas, what if it doesnt happen? im freaked out to the core of who i am. i dont want to mess up anymore. i havent been afraid of jumping in the past, i do it alot it seems. i look like an idiot most of the time. but i dont want to anymore. i dont want to look like that anymore. the reality of this whole thing in LA is that im scared. God is asking me if i trust Him, and im not sure that i do. i want to, but im scared. what if it is wrong. what if it never happens. that will suck. i have to give everything to Him right now, not just my future, life. but my hopes, my desires, my heart. it belongs to HIm and that is scary because now after the last season i know that it is completely His. i have no plan B's. nothing. there arent any more options for me at this point. just this. and i feel like it is it, but im scared. no i freaked right the hell out. i have gotten so many words in my life that i would be a woman of faith. that i would leave a legacy of faith behind. i believed that, so i took risk..so i thought. but it isnt much of a risk when there isnt anything to lose. right now, my heart is at stake, my dreams, my desires, my hope. maybe that is what real faith is, when you do something anyways, although you might not truly believe, but you want to so badly, so you continue to move forward, take the next step. maybe that is real faith. abraham and sarah were parents in the walk of faith. they didnt believe, sarah laughed in His face. but i believe they wanted to. because in the book of Hebrews they are in the faith chapter of people who believed. he weighs our hearts right? the motives? just a thought.