another re-run

I have been looking for this in my blog and just found it! I really like what holy spirit was saying to me about being wooed, about desire!

I am learning so much about the wooing of God, the wooing of love. It doesnt look like what we think it looks like. It is really simple, it is about desire and when we fulfill that desire we walk away with even a greater desire then what we started with. It isnt this feeling of butterflies and cant breathe feeling, a feeling of magic, or sparks flying and although sometimes we will feel that, that isnt what lasts. When I wake with the desire to be with Jesus, my sweet Jesus, to talk to Holy Spirit and just be with Him, to sit on Papas lap, and when I follow through with that desire and it is filled and walk away realizing that I want more, that is the art of being wooed, when you dont even know it. Think about it when you are being wooed by anything or anyone, there isnt a full recognition that, that is what's happeneing it isnt until after the fact that it has already happened. It happens like that in relationships also. Why do make it look like something else, why do we make it look like what we are missing in our lives, what we didnt have as a child or even now as adults, what you didnt feel when all the time that needs to be coming from Papa b/c He is the only one that can fill that anyways. Why do we make it look like our filters. Guess what I am learning that nothing ever is really what it seems. And that isnt a bad thing, but God's idea is so much different than ours. I just want to know what His looks like so I can have the same. I am in such a great place, and I am loving it. But reflecting over this last year has left me with the question "what is it that I am really wanting in a husband?"...... so here it is....someone who values me as his best friend, my opinion although it may be wrong, who likes being around me, someone who has character greater than annointing, someone who could cares less about ministry and more about Love. Is up for anything that Holy Spirit throws at us. Wants our life to be simple but full of adventure, and that I am not the adventure but wants to take me on one. I want someone who thinks I am funny and I can make him laugh but he is also funny. Someone that is laid back and can handle my drama. I want someone who could be a little naughty but chooses not to. I want a man, someone who will call me on my shit, and not be afraid of me. Someone who will step up to the plate and not b/c he is asked but b/c he wants to. I want to be around someone who is fun and it is easy to be with, I can be myself and not have to think twice about it, b/c I know that he likes who I am in silence or me living out loud. Someone who loves to laugh, and can find humor in simple things. I just want to be around me best friend. I know that romance comes and goes, and I just want my best freind. Dont get me wrong I am a woman and want the romance for sure I am a hopeless romantic at heart, but in the end friendship is what you are left with and the most important.

uuuummmmmmmmmm, Jesus is so beautiful....I want more of Him and to continue to be in that secret place and relying only on Him....mmmmmmmmm I love it, I love Him, He is so lovely!

good

Papa is preparing me, I know it! So much fear has been coming up and it is great b/c I am getting rid of all the shit in my life. I want to be so much like my lover it hurts. I want to recieve love like I give it out. I am loveable, I am beautiful, someone will be head over heels in love with me and I him. I have believed so many lies in my life and now God is coming in and telling me the truth. I am owning more of who I am and who I was created to be!
This weekend was really big for me and I didnt even realize it, I was learning how to recieve a PURE compliment from men. Not with any agenda but simply tell me that I was beautiful. When i left them, I manifested! I litterally went thru some kind of deliverance, I am sure of it. I am actually still going thru it. God is setting me even more free in areas of my life that will set others free, to love themselves even more. I love holy spirit, I love His presence and place in my life and want Him to have full reign. uuuuhhhhhhhh I need Him so much more, Jesus please come even more, even more than that! You are so good, it is overwhelming! HE IS SO FREAKIN GOOD, SO FREAKIN GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD! aaahhhhhhh He is so good!

believe

I am going thru such a time of stripping! I need Him so much, I need to see His face! I am really loved, and here is the even more amazing thing, I am learning to believe that someone one day will and can fall head over heels in love with me, it is possible and I am not too much to handle! I believe I am amazing and that Papa thinks I am amazing but it has been hard for me to believe that a man would think that, when all my life I have been told I am too much! But I am starting to believe the truth. And that is that a man one day, my husband will think I am amazing and will love me for me! aaahhhh the deliverance! It is good though! I love it!

workin thru it

I find it really interesting how the Lord is constantly giving me revelation that changes my life and is good but at the same time smashing my pride. Wow do I have that? OMG, uuuuhhhh scary and gross. It is ugly and I dont like it. But I do like getting rid of it. I want it to be long gone. Everyday I am overwhelmed at knowing how much more I need Him in my life. That yesterdays left overs wont do, that the last minute of what I just had wont satisfy. I need something new and fresh every moment. So many issues are coming up right now in me. And although they are ugly and are being thrown in the trash, Papa is still reminding me how amazing I am, but not so amazing that I have nothing sticky. Because we all do. We all have it. I still feel like I am missing something though and I dont know what that something is. So I will keep digging until I find it.

One thing that is coming up is a father issue, I thought I had dealt with but it is coming up again, just another layer.
As most of you know I grew up not knowing my real father, and my step-dad was an alcholic, abusive in everyway imaginable. My mom and him divorced when I was 11 and my mom remarried when I was 13 or 14. And by that time I wasnt interested in a dad they were all horrible and not trust worthy. Men were not on the radar, i just wasnt interested, but I longed for a daddy so bad, to be excepted as a beautiful little girl, where was he? this man I needed where had he gone? where had he been? I remember crying one night when I was about 12 and I went to my mom, with tears streaming down my face and I said mom I wish I had a dad, I wish that our real dad wouldnt have left us when we were 6 months. Sad but I remember it so well. So my life goes by never having a boyfriend, not really even wanting one, I wanted to get married but it scared me to death. Would my husband end up leaving me too, like my dad left my mom? Would he one day tire of me, telling me I am too much? Would I not be pretty enough, funny enough, whatever he had wanted would I not be that and he leave me. It scared the freakin bjesus out of me. As the years have gone by I know Papas love for me and he has shattered that fear, it no longer exsists but others do and are coming up. Will he be a man? Will he pursue me? Will he follow thru? lots more questions that show no trust! And it stems from my father. Last summer Arnold (my real father) and I got connected. I had called him pursuing a relationship, hoping that something even if it were just a little, would evolve. Some sort of relationship, to give him another chance, give myself another chance! And it was awesome at first, but as a little time went by he had put expectations on himself to fill some need that he thought I had, he thought I had expectations but I didnt, I just wanted to get to know him. Just him, nothing else! He had said that he wanted to do all these things for me, and when he realized that he had spoke to soon or couldnt fulfill them he freaked on me and didnt call me anymore, and never answered when I called him. He didnt follow thru, and I believed him, well a little bit, as much as I could. I wanted to but I knew it probably wouldnt happen and I was fine with that, more than fine with it, b/c I was just interested in a relationship not what he could buy me or all the great things he could do for me. Honestly there was nothing he could do for me except just be him, good or bad, and just show that he actually wnated to get to know who his daughter is! But once again that hasnt happened and it is disappointing in the way that, b/c he felt like he couldnt do something instead of communicating that he has once again withdrawn from my life and it has been since September that I have heard from him. And the bummer thing about it is that he proved that I was right and I dont want to be right about him, please prove me wrong show me that you can follow thru, that you will be who you say you are. I want to trust you and not put my heart out there to get stomped on everytime. Please any man show me that this is possible. And around the same time that was happenig with my dad it was happening with at the time a good guy friend of mine. I mean just all around guys showing themselves as boys and not men. I dont want to be jaded, I want to trust that men are amazing and that not all of them are jerks. That they dont treat women poorly and they do respect us, and love us! I want my hurt to not influence my perception of men. Men that dont play with the emotions and heart of women. That even if it happens that there is remorse, an apology, something showing that they care! I realized that I needed to still forgive again Arnold and the other guy! And I wonder if is ok if I dont want to have anything to do with them at all. Arnold did call me last week and left a message, but I have no desire to talk to him. I dont want to do that again, and feel that there is grace for that. I want to be pursued as a daughter, friend and lover. And Papa does all of that. My interest is in Jesus right now. I love that place with Him. So I am working thru it. I will forgive and it will great. Life is AMAZING!

More of me

Well as I am leraning about the greatness and amazing me I am also learning about my character flaws. And that isnt so much fun. Actually not fun at all. I dont like that, it hurts my feelings, I hurt my own feelings that is funny. Well lots is going down I dont want to talk about it, well other than that life is great and amazing like always. I still love me though. My amazingness far outweighs my flaws.

I am me

Everyday I am realizing who I am more and more. I am realizing that the older I get the more extreme I become and the more dangerous I become for Jesus and just in life. I have always been one who goes on impulse, just a whim, and people have often had thier critical remarks to say about it, and in my immaturity I have allowed it to effect me. But as the years are going by and I become more and more comfortable in my own skin, and love who I am becoming and dont care, and I like me, not just love me but like myself. I really like it... and I have been finding myself more and more in things that people would not normally put me. I am breakin boxes that I have put myself in and others and I love it.

Did you know that I love silence...my radio doesnt work in my car and hasnt for years. I never listen to the radio or cds in my car and if I had the choice more often than not I would opt to not listen to it. I enjoy the silence in my car with my Jesus. Most never know that, and would never know that, and never expect that from me.

I also love shocking people, that isnt a shock. I want people to know me but to always expect the unexpected. whether it looks like something ordinary or out of the ordinary. I am a woman in the fullness of God and I am loving who I am becoming with all of its looks.

I am living life to the fullest everyday. It might look like watching a movie with a great cup of joe, it might look like praying for people, seeing the power of God manifest at cafe coco, maybe it is being at the beach taking in all the beauty God has created. Whatever it is, I am living it. I love my amazing creator, He is so Hot! I love Him.

a constant wave of change

I am finding that besides God, the only thing in my life that is constant, is change. That is true in everyones life. Nothing ever stays the same. Change is a good thing. I feel like 2006 is gonna be a big year, in change. Not that every other year hasn't been that but, this year I think big change is happening. I am not at liberty to say what, b/c it might not be that, it might be something else, who knows but God right now. I am just staying here in the place I call secret. I really love it. I fnd myself when I am there. good or bad, I find me. And that is always good. I find Jesus and I love Jesus.

any friends available?

I am in need of a friend. Not that I dont have any but they are committed else where. Either they are married, have a boyfriend, or are married to school. I am at home all by myself. I hang with Jesus but I need relationship in my life. I need people in my life. I just want a friend, we can laugh, be goofy, go after Jesus, someone I can process with. That would be nice. I am often found sitting on the couch, tuurning the tv off and on. Why off and on, on, to see what is on, and off b/c there is nothing on that is worth my time. So I then turn to my trusty guitar and worship Jesus. Then I go to sleep. It isn't awesome I want relationship. How do I get this? uuummm not sure. When I read over this it kinda makes me laugh. O, well! I still love life and people no matter what. Well laters! Much love to ya, and TW, congrats! I am so excited for you!!!!

Today

Today I got spanked and I cried in the middle of the resturant b/c it is not my heart at all. Remember i said that different layers are being stripped and one of those happens to be letting people in without knowing what is gonna happen, blindly trusting. I know it sounds unwise but God has called me to do this. trust Him that people are generally good, everyone! Look at the heart of that person, dont form opinions which I am so good at. I meet someone for the first time and I can instantly not like them, instead of getting to know them for who they are, just automatically not liking them, without knowing them, Loving with out any agenda of being loved in return. It is a surival mechanism. And it works, it keeps you alive in your box.

I had lunch with a couple today and it was so good, I cried and it hurt, but it was good. I dont want to have opinions that are not from Jesus. I want to think like Him and love like Him. I am so quick to form opinions. If there is not instant connection, or I am discerning something, a wall is put up, and I am not discrete about it. I dont know how to not live out loud. So what ever is internally comes out externally. And when I get to know the people I havent liked or formed opinions about I actually really like them. the very thing I have accused others of, I am guilty of. As tears stream down my face, my heart hurts b/c that really is not my heart at all. I love people and I am so willing to give myself at any moment most of the times. But as it was put today at lunch, I am looking for doors to be open, but I am shutting them by forming opinions b/c it puts me in a box. He was right, it hurt, really bad actually. I almost felt like I was gonna hypervinylate, b/c the tears and cry from my heart. That isnt what I want, I just want to love with an unadulterated love. Just love, just have relationships, that is what I want. I had to explain to them, that people whom I place value on in my life, thiers words have alot of weight and I become extra sensitive to what they say, and that is why I was crying. the truth hurts sometimes, but I want to deal with this and not have this package in my life. I want to burn it, and send it to the pit of hell where it belongs. And on top of it, I already knew this issue was coming up, all week I had realized how quick I was to have an opinion. I wanna let people in, i wanna let you in, I wanna let who is in front of me in. I want to be an open invitation like Jesus. I dont care about getting hurt, my God is so much bigger than that. I love Jesus so much.

I feel loved today in a part of my heart that has not been touched in a while, a long while. I felt loved today by papa's on earth. I felt like I had a dad today, by a gentle touch and the slight pull of the arm sitting me on his lap litterally. I felt loved. I felt loved by a dad. He is a good dad too, I saw it, I saw his heart. I am sure this man had no idea of what was happening, I didnt either until after it was done. But I needed that today. I've needed it for a while. I have dealt with father issues but everytime a need comes for a daddy, I never realized how deep that wound goes. I love Papa, He loves me so much, He knows exactly what I need, and He is exactly that.

God is nailing me. I love Him so much, I need so much more.

The secret place

I never saw a face as beautiful as yours
never saw a place as beautiful as yours
take me to that secret place
lead me there again, into that secret place
where we've gone before
I have to have more

I wanna live in the secret place
I wanna live in the secret place
I wanna live in the secret place
see your face
feel your embrace
I wanna live, I wanna live in the secret place.

It is hard to come out of this secret place. I am finding that I dont ever want to leave which could be a problem. But b/c out of my love for Him I will obey and come out from time to time. It is hard though. Because I just want to be there always, no-one around just me and Him. Another layer is being stripped and Im falling more in love with Him than I knew was possible. My mind cant wrap around it but my heart does, oh how my heart does. I told Mal this morning I really never knew it was possible to love this much. to have a love for someone, that goes so deep. Im getting wrecked everyday on His love for me, and mine for Him, the more I realize how good He is, I fall more in love and love Him more. How is this more possible? I dont know but it is, it is availiable and Im taking all I can. All the more I can take, I will. I just need more, it isnt even a wanting anymore, it is a need. A need, that without Him I litterally cant go on. I cant do it without the more of HIM. I cant without HIM, I truly believe that I would die, the very thought of it is gut wrenching. It probably feels the same way that I feel right now of needing more of HIM. It hurts but it is the best pain I have ever felt, I just need more.

deep waters

I need you more
I need you more than words can say
show me your face
show me your face

As this songs plays over and over in my heart, I cant help but to feel the pain of wanting HIm so much more. aaaaahhhhhh(sigh) Have you ever felt that? The longing for something that it actually hurts. When I think of my sweet Jesus, I just weep.

May everything around me be erased, i hope that nothing is of value when He walks into the room, into my heart. I just want to look at Him. aaaahhhhh( another sigh)


As I come into this place
may all around me be erased
and as I focus on all your ways
may I lose myself in your embrace

I need you more
I need to see your face
I need you more
I need you more than words can say
I need to see your face
I need you Lord

Show me your face
Show me your face

Last night I talked to Sheri, I have been missing them so much lately. I have been missing the people in my life, the relationships that go deep, deeper than what I even realized. I realized that those people in my life helped me become alive. So whenever I am going thru a time when I feel not alive, I revert back to the memories of those relationships. But that was then and this is now, and it doesnt make me come alive the way it use to. There is somthing new and I just have to find it. And I am not disreguarding that relationship but, it is different. I am realizing that the time I spent in Redding and the people I spent it with I will be forever grateful and know that I can always remember, and that keeps it alive. But I can not live in the depth of the relationships "use to be". What is and who is right in front of me? Who wants that and who am I willing to give that to? I have great relationships with people here, but I am longing for a great depth and havent known how to go about getting it. I thought at one point with tyler we were becoming great friends but that ended up being so hard, it shouldnt be that hard should it? So nothing, and I told papa, i just want a friend that I can be silly with, laugh with and have fun and see more of God. guy or girl, I am not looking for anything else than that, I just wanted another Katieann in my life, not to replace her b/c that could and will never happen but I wanted someone funny and the connection, someone who gets me. But I know that I will never have another Katieann in my life so I just want her and hubby Josh to move here. I miss her so much.

I feel as if the fast I just came off of is still having an effect on me. I am still finding and I guess in a way always will still be finding out the depths of my heart. My heart goes really deep and I didnt even know that. I am going deep, will I sink or swim? I dont know, but we will soon find out. I love every emotion in life, it really makes who we are, and really feeling them in that moment. taking hold of it, Iiving and loving. I want to go to Israel so bad, I just want to go to another country, culture, I am itching to leave for a bit. random I know but that is part of heart. And i am going deep remember. what is in the depths of you heart? have you been there lately or are you afraid of what you will find? I encourage you to take the risk and dive in, it will be worth it!