Today

Today I got spanked and I cried in the middle of the resturant b/c it is not my heart at all. Remember i said that different layers are being stripped and one of those happens to be letting people in without knowing what is gonna happen, blindly trusting. I know it sounds unwise but God has called me to do this. trust Him that people are generally good, everyone! Look at the heart of that person, dont form opinions which I am so good at. I meet someone for the first time and I can instantly not like them, instead of getting to know them for who they are, just automatically not liking them, without knowing them, Loving with out any agenda of being loved in return. It is a surival mechanism. And it works, it keeps you alive in your box.

I had lunch with a couple today and it was so good, I cried and it hurt, but it was good. I dont want to have opinions that are not from Jesus. I want to think like Him and love like Him. I am so quick to form opinions. If there is not instant connection, or I am discerning something, a wall is put up, and I am not discrete about it. I dont know how to not live out loud. So what ever is internally comes out externally. And when I get to know the people I havent liked or formed opinions about I actually really like them. the very thing I have accused others of, I am guilty of. As tears stream down my face, my heart hurts b/c that really is not my heart at all. I love people and I am so willing to give myself at any moment most of the times. But as it was put today at lunch, I am looking for doors to be open, but I am shutting them by forming opinions b/c it puts me in a box. He was right, it hurt, really bad actually. I almost felt like I was gonna hypervinylate, b/c the tears and cry from my heart. That isnt what I want, I just want to love with an unadulterated love. Just love, just have relationships, that is what I want. I had to explain to them, that people whom I place value on in my life, thiers words have alot of weight and I become extra sensitive to what they say, and that is why I was crying. the truth hurts sometimes, but I want to deal with this and not have this package in my life. I want to burn it, and send it to the pit of hell where it belongs. And on top of it, I already knew this issue was coming up, all week I had realized how quick I was to have an opinion. I wanna let people in, i wanna let you in, I wanna let who is in front of me in. I want to be an open invitation like Jesus. I dont care about getting hurt, my God is so much bigger than that. I love Jesus so much.

I feel loved today in a part of my heart that has not been touched in a while, a long while. I felt loved today by papa's on earth. I felt like I had a dad today, by a gentle touch and the slight pull of the arm sitting me on his lap litterally. I felt loved. I felt loved by a dad. He is a good dad too, I saw it, I saw his heart. I am sure this man had no idea of what was happening, I didnt either until after it was done. But I needed that today. I've needed it for a while. I have dealt with father issues but everytime a need comes for a daddy, I never realized how deep that wound goes. I love Papa, He loves me so much, He knows exactly what I need, and He is exactly that.

God is nailing me. I love Him so much, I need so much more.