workin thru it
I find it really interesting how the Lord is constantly giving me revelation that changes my life and is good but at the same time smashing my pride. Wow do I have that? OMG, uuuuhhhh scary and gross. It is ugly and I dont like it. But I do like getting rid of it. I want it to be long gone. Everyday I am overwhelmed at knowing how much more I need Him in my life. That yesterdays left overs wont do, that the last minute of what I just had wont satisfy. I need something new and fresh every moment. So many issues are coming up right now in me. And although they are ugly and are being thrown in the trash, Papa is still reminding me how amazing I am, but not so amazing that I have nothing sticky. Because we all do. We all have it. I still feel like I am missing something though and I dont know what that something is. So I will keep digging until I find it.
One thing that is coming up is a father issue, I thought I had dealt with but it is coming up again, just another layer.
As most of you know I grew up not knowing my real father, and my step-dad was an alcholic, abusive in everyway imaginable. My mom and him divorced when I was 11 and my mom remarried when I was 13 or 14. And by that time I wasnt interested in a dad they were all horrible and not trust worthy. Men were not on the radar, i just wasnt interested, but I longed for a daddy so bad, to be excepted as a beautiful little girl, where was he? this man I needed where had he gone? where had he been? I remember crying one night when I was about 12 and I went to my mom, with tears streaming down my face and I said mom I wish I had a dad, I wish that our real dad wouldnt have left us when we were 6 months. Sad but I remember it so well. So my life goes by never having a boyfriend, not really even wanting one, I wanted to get married but it scared me to death. Would my husband end up leaving me too, like my dad left my mom? Would he one day tire of me, telling me I am too much? Would I not be pretty enough, funny enough, whatever he had wanted would I not be that and he leave me. It scared the freakin bjesus out of me. As the years have gone by I know Papas love for me and he has shattered that fear, it no longer exsists but others do and are coming up. Will he be a man? Will he pursue me? Will he follow thru? lots more questions that show no trust! And it stems from my father. Last summer Arnold (my real father) and I got connected. I had called him pursuing a relationship, hoping that something even if it were just a little, would evolve. Some sort of relationship, to give him another chance, give myself another chance! And it was awesome at first, but as a little time went by he had put expectations on himself to fill some need that he thought I had, he thought I had expectations but I didnt, I just wanted to get to know him. Just him, nothing else! He had said that he wanted to do all these things for me, and when he realized that he had spoke to soon or couldnt fulfill them he freaked on me and didnt call me anymore, and never answered when I called him. He didnt follow thru, and I believed him, well a little bit, as much as I could. I wanted to but I knew it probably wouldnt happen and I was fine with that, more than fine with it, b/c I was just interested in a relationship not what he could buy me or all the great things he could do for me. Honestly there was nothing he could do for me except just be him, good or bad, and just show that he actually wnated to get to know who his daughter is! But once again that hasnt happened and it is disappointing in the way that, b/c he felt like he couldnt do something instead of communicating that he has once again withdrawn from my life and it has been since September that I have heard from him. And the bummer thing about it is that he proved that I was right and I dont want to be right about him, please prove me wrong show me that you can follow thru, that you will be who you say you are. I want to trust you and not put my heart out there to get stomped on everytime. Please any man show me that this is possible. And around the same time that was happenig with my dad it was happening with at the time a good guy friend of mine. I mean just all around guys showing themselves as boys and not men. I dont want to be jaded, I want to trust that men are amazing and that not all of them are jerks. That they dont treat women poorly and they do respect us, and love us! I want my hurt to not influence my perception of men. Men that dont play with the emotions and heart of women. That even if it happens that there is remorse, an apology, something showing that they care! I realized that I needed to still forgive again Arnold and the other guy! And I wonder if is ok if I dont want to have anything to do with them at all. Arnold did call me last week and left a message, but I have no desire to talk to him. I dont want to do that again, and feel that there is grace for that. I want to be pursued as a daughter, friend and lover. And Papa does all of that. My interest is in Jesus right now. I love that place with Him. So I am working thru it. I will forgive and it will great. Life is AMAZING!
One thing that is coming up is a father issue, I thought I had dealt with but it is coming up again, just another layer.
As most of you know I grew up not knowing my real father, and my step-dad was an alcholic, abusive in everyway imaginable. My mom and him divorced when I was 11 and my mom remarried when I was 13 or 14. And by that time I wasnt interested in a dad they were all horrible and not trust worthy. Men were not on the radar, i just wasnt interested, but I longed for a daddy so bad, to be excepted as a beautiful little girl, where was he? this man I needed where had he gone? where had he been? I remember crying one night when I was about 12 and I went to my mom, with tears streaming down my face and I said mom I wish I had a dad, I wish that our real dad wouldnt have left us when we were 6 months. Sad but I remember it so well. So my life goes by never having a boyfriend, not really even wanting one, I wanted to get married but it scared me to death. Would my husband end up leaving me too, like my dad left my mom? Would he one day tire of me, telling me I am too much? Would I not be pretty enough, funny enough, whatever he had wanted would I not be that and he leave me. It scared the freakin bjesus out of me. As the years have gone by I know Papas love for me and he has shattered that fear, it no longer exsists but others do and are coming up. Will he be a man? Will he pursue me? Will he follow thru? lots more questions that show no trust! And it stems from my father. Last summer Arnold (my real father) and I got connected. I had called him pursuing a relationship, hoping that something even if it were just a little, would evolve. Some sort of relationship, to give him another chance, give myself another chance! And it was awesome at first, but as a little time went by he had put expectations on himself to fill some need that he thought I had, he thought I had expectations but I didnt, I just wanted to get to know him. Just him, nothing else! He had said that he wanted to do all these things for me, and when he realized that he had spoke to soon or couldnt fulfill them he freaked on me and didnt call me anymore, and never answered when I called him. He didnt follow thru, and I believed him, well a little bit, as much as I could. I wanted to but I knew it probably wouldnt happen and I was fine with that, more than fine with it, b/c I was just interested in a relationship not what he could buy me or all the great things he could do for me. Honestly there was nothing he could do for me except just be him, good or bad, and just show that he actually wnated to get to know who his daughter is! But once again that hasnt happened and it is disappointing in the way that, b/c he felt like he couldnt do something instead of communicating that he has once again withdrawn from my life and it has been since September that I have heard from him. And the bummer thing about it is that he proved that I was right and I dont want to be right about him, please prove me wrong show me that you can follow thru, that you will be who you say you are. I want to trust you and not put my heart out there to get stomped on everytime. Please any man show me that this is possible. And around the same time that was happenig with my dad it was happening with at the time a good guy friend of mine. I mean just all around guys showing themselves as boys and not men. I dont want to be jaded, I want to trust that men are amazing and that not all of them are jerks. That they dont treat women poorly and they do respect us, and love us! I want my hurt to not influence my perception of men. Men that dont play with the emotions and heart of women. That even if it happens that there is remorse, an apology, something showing that they care! I realized that I needed to still forgive again Arnold and the other guy! And I wonder if is ok if I dont want to have anything to do with them at all. Arnold did call me last week and left a message, but I have no desire to talk to him. I dont want to do that again, and feel that there is grace for that. I want to be pursued as a daughter, friend and lover. And Papa does all of that. My interest is in Jesus right now. I love that place with Him. So I am working thru it. I will forgive and it will great. Life is AMAZING!
posted by priscilla at 6:07 PM
1 Comments:
I LOVE how your amazingness far outweighs your flaws! You are my favorite flawed friend! I hope that I am yours as well. I miss you tons.
Love you!
Katieann
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