i miss me.

i feel sad today. i was fine until about an hour ago. i talked to someone that i shouldnt have. when i was in africa i wanted to be here, well kinda, i take that back. but i did miss it. and now that im here, there is no satisfaction in it. im happy, but there seems to be something missing. maybe it is my heart. maybe that is what is missing. my heart. im trying to find it again. i read blogs over that i have written from years ago, journal entries in my many of journals. im looking for something to remind me of what my heart use to be, where is it. i miss my heart. and for the most part i do live from my heart, but there is a piece that is missing. and i need to find it. is it in the area of romance, maybe, im not sure. is it in the area of trusting my heart, probably. i really use to trust my heart. but now, after trusting it and then being hurt so badly by it, im not sure that i can. i want to so badly, really bad actually. i use to come alive talking about relationships, because that is what life is about. now, i just feel hurt. i dont like that. i need Jesus to come in and heal this part of my heart. i miss it, and i want it back. i feel like my heart is drowning in a pool of tears that havent been able to be expressed. for whatever reason. maybe i want to be strong, i can do this! but really i just want to let it out. what happened? i believed Jesus. i believed. why? why? i dont understand any of it at all. it doesnt make sense to me and im not sure that it ever will. im not sure i can trust that question that i felt was once asked to me " what do you want?" because i told Him what i wanted. i told Him. it was a risk that i took, and i hope one day that i will be able to take that again. im eating ice cream and peanut butter cookies right now. major comfort food. haha. and drinking a glass of red wine. it is a great combination. Jesus, my prayer is this. please come heal my heart completely, please come and make me whole once again, so that i can truly live completely from my heart once again, to truly be who you created me to be. im alone tonight. most of the time i would say that is a good thing, but tonight, i wish i were around friends. everyone is working. i miss myself. i hope that i come back soon.