being released

im sitting at Fidos in the village. i wanted to sit outside but all the seats are taken. this morning mal and i woke up at 11:15 which is unheard of for us. we are usually up at 7 on a good day. i woke up with this extremely large desire for more of Jesus in my life. i need Him so much. i have so many issues and they need to be dealt with. it is funny how i go thru seasons of life seeming to be void of issues not that i dont think that i dont have any during that season it is just that they arent being dealt with. and maybe it is just that i dont have the energy to deal with and dont want to. but here I am in another season, the beginning season but another one none the less, of issues coming up, my heart being dealt with. it is so painful, well not so much painful as draining. but you know no matter what the cost is, i want more of Him in my life and that looks like dealing with my crap to get more then that is what I will do. b/c if nothing else it is worth it, that is, more of HIm is worth it. i really just want more of Him. im not sure what that looks like but i know that i have to find it. i cant sit and slumber any more. im dying the me that is suppose to live is dying. there is so much more and i dont want to live complacent anymore, i dont want to live with an apathetic attitude anymore. i dont want to just sit in an enviroment that isnt pursuing the more of Him in thier personal life, not in a corporate setting. im tired of ministry and what people say it is suppose to look like. im tired of living a safe life. i want to be dangerous for Him, i want the enemy to fear me and who I am in Him. i have to have more. i was created to be more than what i am, to be dangerous for Him. i dont know how to get more but I am determined to find out. my heart is crying out and it is so loud and silent at the same time. HOW? I NEED MORE... it is wrenching in my heart, i cant explain what is happening right now. i dont know how to articulate it. this is a time when my words cant, my expressions cant tell what it is that is happening. it is more than a feeling or an emotion. it goes so much deeper.

JESUS IS COMING...i feel as if i dont let this out that i might implode, and letting it out i will explode. but eitherway it has to be released.