weak

well yesterday, my car was packed and my tank was full, and I dedcided to move to Mexico. So on I went to mexico, as I drive I see this picture of satan laughing and it pissed me off so badly, that I stopped my car and yelled as long and as loud as I could. I almost passed out b/c all my strength and energy came out in it. I HATE HIM, IN SPITE OF HIM I WILL STAY. All though I feel as if I have no other reason to stay but to just b/c he wants me to run. It feels as if all is falling apart around me and all I can do is stand and say that my God is good, I believe that with all that is in me. "you are good, you are good and your love endures, you are good, you are good, and your loves endures today" that is all I can say. That is all I know how to say right now. I feel so weak, and poor, and needy for such a miracle in my life. The only thing I can believe is that He will show Himself, I hope that He shows himself....things I have thought, what have I done? Papa show me I repent for anything that I have done, any decisions I made that werent from you, Im sorry please forgive me. Im trying to be a better person, friend, character, what is it? Just tell me and I will work on it, how do I make this better, Im not sure there is anyhting that I can do. Jesus Im sorry....whatever it is, Im sorry!

im...

im tired

im sometimes quiet

im sometimes pretty

im sometimes ugly

im sometimes fat

im sometimes skinny

im funny

im a lover...a lover of ice cream

im usually on time

im hardly ever late

im sometimes loud

im sitting on a couch

im about to eat some ice cream

im a freak sometimes

im sometimes needy

im sometimes unbareable

im sometimes amazing to be around

im always in need of love

im usually needing protection

im weak

im strong

im always wierd

im 25

im in love with Jesus

im sometimes nerdy

im a twin

im...im... im moving back to california

im telling a lie in the last one

im a truth teller (haha)

im now going to bed......

absence makes the heart grow fonder????

so I was thinking of life and such...more like Jesus because He is life and this is what I thought!

It isnt the absence of something or someone that makes us want it more, it is the presence of it that makes us want it more. The more of Jesus I have the more I want. I want more of Him in my life, no matter what the cost, no matter what that looks like. It is worth it, even the most painful death. It is easy to forget what is good, but it is a heartbeak that cant be forgotten what is great! When you arent around someone it is easy to adjust to them not being in your life, But when they/it is in your life constantly, you cant help to want to be around them! If I never knew Jesus I woulnt know what I was missing, but since I have experienced the greatness and beauty of Him, I cant help but to want it more. When you experience greatness you will never forget, and all will be compared to it, knowingly or not! When you experience just good, in time you will forget. Good is always the enemy to best, to the greatest. I dont know about you but I want the greatest Jesus has for me, I want Him. I think that everyone should and hope that at some point in life experience what greatness really is, if you never do, then you have never reached the potential in life that you could have. Greatness will come to those who look and wait for it. Perservere, endure, all those things that no one wants to do b/c it is hard, but in the end it is worth it. I have no clue what I just wrote about, I am just writing, I hope it makes sense if not, Im sure someone will let me know!

Mal and I were talking about when Mark goes on the road. that is what i was talking about. hahaha

I use to be so funny on here, what happened! I guess it is the only time i am serious since the rest of my life seems to be a joke...hahha

vulnerable

I am feeling a little extra sensitive right now, extremely vulnerable, what is going on and why? No it isnt that time either. I feel needy and in want! This is a strange feeling since I have spent my whole life purposefully not being that way, not needing anyone, being self sufficent, taking care of my own. So why now, why now do I feel a need for need, why am I in want, and I dont even know really what for, I just know that it is there. How do I fill this, what do I do with it. I dont like it! I am on my face daily with Papa, my sweet Jesus fills everything, but why do I still have this feeling of need and want, I am not sure...but I hope it leaves soon. I could put on music, but Im enjoying the silence, I could talk but there is nothing to say, I could sing but it doesnt mean anything, I would listen but I dont want to hear. Im stuck in a place where I know nothing, only to seek His face. Im looking but I dont know what for, Im vulnerable in a place I've never been. I can see me, but it's not pretty. what is the truth, determines the lies. this is weakness, im not strong...living this way could be way to long! I need that touch, one soft word, if I could hear it now and feel it too, I guess I wouldnt be missing you! Please show yourself in such a real way, O sweet Jesus I need you today!


this was something that i wrote last year, and i liked it alot.

cheers!

post 134

Im always on His mind! I really like that! when I sing off key, when Im being mean, fiesty, stubborn, silly, goofy, when I havent taken a shower in days or brushed my hair! He is always thinking of me, in the most beautiful way! when I am needy and unbareable, He is always thinking of me in the most beautiful way! When I wear the same clothes for days in a row...hhaha He is still in love with me! That is amazing! If I never wear makeup, He still thinks Im beautiful, when I wake up in the morning with awful poop breath...He still thinks Im beautiful! Now that is true love! How could I not be completley abandoned to that kind of Love! Im in Love...aaahhhh the sighs of Love....Im in love with a most wonderful Lover name Jesus! If you have never met my husband, you will want to meet Him, He is amazing, and quite the character...rather funny, you will always want to be around Him.....I know I do!

I love this....when I m so UGLY.....HE still thinks Im beautiful! That blows me away, if i feel the need to lose 5 pounds, He thinks I am perfectly beautiful just the way I am! aaaaahhhhhhhh....that blows my mind! How He does it? Im not sure, but I know that I want this kind of love always...I never want it to leave! my husband is amazing!

im ruined
im ruined
my life will never be the same
im forever changed
i always think of you
always dream of you
in the day and in the night
in this moment
all the time
im ruined
im ruined
ive tasted sweetness
sweetness, more, more of you
cause im ruined, ruined for more of you!

I wait

my soul is fast asleep, but my heart is wide awake in my dreams
my heart yurns in the middle of the night
im asleep but my heart is awake
i am yours.
i am yours.
no one else will do
no one else will do

its been along night, but I am willing
its been along time, but i am waiting

I sleep, but i wait
my hearts awake, but i wait

in the middle of the night
in the middle of the night
my heart yurns
i am yours
i am yours

these words are a constant in my heart...always playing over and over to my sweet sweet Jesus! I wait, I will always wait! I love Jesus so much, He is so good and doesnt know how to be anything other than what He is! I cant wait until I am with Him always, forever. I never have wanted to die, but to be with Him, I would in a heart beat, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I cant wait to be with Him. It seems so far away, but I know that .... well Im not sure I know lots of anything, but if I do know something it is this...I am in love with Jesus, He is my husband, and nothing else satifies, no one else will do! And when you taste of something so amazing you are never satisfied unless you continue to get more, so I just continue to want more!

family

WOW! I am very overwhelmed right now with the goodness of God! I just spent the last 4 hours with my family, my brothers Andrew, Michael, and Matthew, thier wives/girlfriends and children! It was so amazing! My brother Andrew was there, do you know how HUGE this is! Most of you dont know but this a really big deal and my brother Michael applied for a job over here(that is why he was here) and that is a very big deal! They have pretty much have wanted nothing to do with my mom, and now God is sending an angel of "breakthrough"! I am still trying to gather myself from what has just happened! I have known that breakthrough was on the edge of showing itself, but now i see that it is already here, and not just in this area of my life but in every area! BREAKTHROUGH IS HAPPENING! I cant help but to feel so weak and needy in this moment of knowing that its only b/c of Jesus that this is possible! All I have done is BELIEVE! And I dont know that I have done a great job of it, but it is all happening nonetheless! Thru tears of happiness and being overwhelemed as I try to process what this is, I cant help but to smile and thank Him over and over again! I love my brothers so much! It is very intense, and I am so thankful that I know Jesus! I feel as if I cant really articulate what is happening for I really am not sure, I just know that it is really amazing! I havent processed it all yet, but I am so thankful for what already is!

THANKS JESUS YOU'RE THE FREKIN BOMB DIGGITY!!!

this love is overwhelming

this love is overwhelming
this love it overwhelms me

I cant breathe with you around
I cant breathe when you leave
I just close my eyes to see your face
close my eyes to feel your embrace

this love it overwhems me
this love is overwhleming
a wave of love covers me
crashing over and over and over again
I cant breathe when your around

this love is overwhelming
discovering
im always on his mind
hes always dreaming of me
always thinking of me

this love is overwhelming
this love it overwhelms me

Im married to Jesus, and I love it! I love where I am w/Him! Jesus so has me and it is the greatest thing ever. I am glad that I have the spirit of truth to stand on, I am glad that I have to decrease so that he can increase! I am glad that I am small, and that I cant mess anything up and that He is big! I am glad that b/c of who He is makes me look good and all the pressure is off of me and on Him. I am glad that my life is what it is, I am glad that I am me! I am glad...

He has made me glad, He has made me glad
I will rejoice for He has me glad
I will enter His courts with thanksgiving in my heart
I will enter His courts with praise
I will enter His courts with thanksgiving in my heart
I will rejoice for He has made me glad!

I love that old song! I just started singing it for no apparent erason, I guess b/c He has made me glad and Holy Spirit wanted to sing that song! I love Holy Spirit, Im so glad He is my best freind!

always on His mind

I am always on His mind! I love knowing that! He is always thinking of me, and thinking the most beautiful thoughts. I love that no matter what we(man)do, our fallibility doesnt stop Gods soverignty of being God! That no matter what we do, God has mercy and we cant screw it up! Now that is good, and that is faithful, and that is 100% Love, 100% God. He is so in love with me, I am amazed at it! He loves me no matter what I beleive or dont believe, no matter what I risk or dont risk, He FREKIN LOVES ME! And knowing that makes me want to risk it all, believe it all, love all, trust all things, have more mercy...He dreams about me, He is always thinking of me! With His whole heart He loves me, with everything He has He loves me, though He is Holy, Worthy of all, Completely Pure, He is Righteousness, He Is, HE IS I AM, and He loves me with everything that makes Him up, with all of His Being, He loves me, there is nothing that I can do to screw it up, so with all that said I can answer that question! Is it worth the risk? my answer.....YES! I committ myself to the risk of whatever that looks like, I am sure it requires another layer of dying, but it is worth it and whatever the end result looks like it will be beautiful I am sure of it!

So Papa I ask that you keep me and extend more than enough grace for this season however long it is! I need your touch to keep my pulse going, to keep my heart alive, to keep me breathing, I need the look of your eyes burning for me, I need all that you said you have for me, all that love! I need it all, I want it all and then more than that! B/C I know that it is neverending! I need it! I want it! I am desperate for it!


your always on my mind
priscilla

dying

Arent you glad He is alive? I am!!! I love my sweet sweet Jesus so frekin much it kills me! No, really it is killing me everyday, a not so slow death, pretty fast so it seems but there is so much beauty in it. I love my King, my Lover, my beautiful master and creator. This is it, this is what it is all about, LOVE, how he died for us and washed us clean, how He loves us, how He loves me! I love the way He loves me, I love the way He loves me! AAAAHHHHHHHH how He is so good. I am so glad that He is killing me! What a most beautiful way to go, to always abide in the presence of who He is, always having that access to Him, always able to get more, I think that is the best way to go! I love my sweet, sweet Jesus!

sweetness..

well lets see what is new.....so much! I am enjoying life to the fullest, knowing that breakthru is on the edge of showing itself. It is actually here! I am so excited about what God is about to do, I am so excited about His faithfulness! He is so faithful and doesnt know how to be anything other than what He is, and that is good and faithful and loving! He is lovely on all levels! I love Him so much, anything that happens make me run harder and faster to Him and believe even more that He is amazingly good and faithful. I love my Jesus so much, He is so sweet to me. I saw this picture of Him laying beside me with His arms around me telling me everything little thing was gonna be alright.(I have been sick the last 24 hours with a stomach bug or something. I woke up Thursday night around midnight and vommitted every 30 minutes until 7 or 8 that morning. I knew it was the enemy trying to get me down once again. But it is funny because it is actually making me stronger.I am believing more and more. I am trusting more and knowing more than ever who my God is and who it is that I serve. I am knowing more and more who He is, in me. I love my Jesus so much. I need my Jesus so much. I just need more....please I just need more Jesus, more of your sweetness in my life!

he better be scared!!!

OMG.... this will not be tolerated that is all I have to say. Satan best be scared!!! Does he know who I am? I am Priscilla Machado(eternal value, my name means that) I am a daughter of the most high King, the bride of Jesus, a lover to all, one who holds power with love and truth and it will come out, one carries a love that changes all things, does he know who I am? Most powerful one that lives inside of me and through me. I have seen and experienced way to much to ever stop,slow down, or turn around. If anything this gives me more momentum! I will run faster and trust more and have more mercy and grace. Does he know who I am? apparently not. This will not stop me, I feel completely protected and safe, completely trusting that my Father knows absolutely best and I do hear from Holy Spirit, I know His voice, I know His touch and His smell. I know my lover! This doesnt put any doubt in me, it makes me more sure of who I am and who I was created to be! This will not stop me! It will make me go faster, full speed ahead! I am ready, here I come!

am I ???

Can I just say that I dont understand guys at all,I have been more than gracious and understanding. I think at this point I perfer singleness, it is alot easier. Especially when the guy trys to put his shyte back on you, yeah that isnt gonna work for me. I think I am a pretty forgiving person, but that doesnt mean that I am gonna let him treat me less than I am worth. He said I was amazing, I guess not amazing enough. I didnt ask for much just to be worth it, I guess I wasnt to him. Singleness sounds better, and better all the time. My heart is to fragile for such things, I cant bare another heart break, I dont think it is in me! I will just stick to Jesus!

the process

Im in a process that litterally is killing me, I feel it from every area in my life, I am jkust asking God to give me grace to live this way. I know most would think that I enjoy the spontaniety in my life and for the most part I do, But there are times when Iwould really like to just know! Know anything that would be helpful, but that doesnt seem to be the way it works in my life. So I am learning how to walk blindly with Jesus to trust Him, and I didnt realize how hard that is for me but it is, I am having to trust Him with my heart. And this has been a particularly hard area for me in my life. I know that God is good, but when it comes to matters of the heart, will He be true. I need grace to live in this part of my heart. the responsibility of the heart is a big thing, the responsibility to be vulnerable. That is extremely difficult. I have to trust that people are going to value that, that God is gonna protect me, I have to trust God is the ultimate issue. Will God protect me? I want to say yes, but Im not sure what my answer is right now! And that breaks my heart, that I couldnt say yes with confidence to that question. I have been working thru so many trust issues lately. Fear issues, just issues in general. I mean when it comes to miracles, healings, and other issues to have faith, It feels as if there is no problem with it, but with my heart,that seems to be another issue. I am afraid to go there, to let that part of me breathe, my heart is like a fire, the more it breathes, the more air flow it gets, it grows, and that is scary! What if I beleive and it doesnt happen, what if I want it and it doesnt happen, what if I dare to dream and they get smashed. I would rather not believe and live my life the way it is, which is happy and free of heart ache, then to live with disappointment. I tasted of something that I cant have, so I buried it and will kill it, b/c i cant go there. It is too painful, so Papa forgive me of my unbelief! I really am sorry. I dont know how to believe for this, I need you to help me if this is what you want me to do!I know what I am suppose to do, but I dont know if I can, but I really want to, but I dont know if I can! God I Know that you are Good to the core of who you are, I do know this, but Im not sure if what I want and desire is from you? How to be sure what I think is from you? to trust that? I am just being real and totally raw. I am desperate for you to show up in my life Jesus, I cant do this without you, please come!!!

Just more

so much change is happening, and I am not sure what to do with it! So, I am still being rocked by God and His goodness, I am finding myself more and more desperate! A friend once said " does desperation have anything to do with destiny?" Now she was talking about a completely different matter, but I think that statement is true in its right form! I am desperate to find Jesus, the more of Jesus which will lead me straight to my destiny. It is not surprising but surprisisng at the same time, how Jesus is showing up in my life. I am feeling the desperation that Heidi talks about in her book "there is always enough". You know Jesus shows up, He is faithful, but each time you come to that place where you feel the peoples desperation, it almost makes you more desperate for Jesus to show up so they arent disappointed! Thier desperation for LIFE, just to live, makes you more desperate for them to find life. feeling the responsibility of the person next to you. Not to save them, b/c in that desperation you know that you have nothing to offer, nothing to give them, but Jesus has it all and all you can do is point them in the right direction and desperately pray that they see Him. God does meet desperation, I am confident in this one thing if nothing else. I have realized in this life, I have nothing to offer, not that I am a loser or anything of that nature, but I really have nothing to offer. Jesus is the only one that offers life. All I can do, all my responsibility is to let the people know. Just to love and be obedient. I love Jesus, the more I know I have nothing to give, the more desperate I am for Him in my life. The words I need Him have a new meaning to them, I cant explain it. I have never reached a place like this before, I am not even sure exactly how to articulate what I am feeling and it is even more than a feeling, it is being, even that doesnt really justify what it is I feel. I just need Him more and that isnt even enough. I need Him, a new meaning to life. I feel almost as if, I am being reborn again. It is strange but, I like it.

Jesus, I need you more, more than words can say
I need you more
I need to see your face.

clarity

the clarity of Holy Spirit is quite amazing! I asked for clarity and He gave it to me! I specifically asked for something and then it happened, He is becoming more of a friend to me than anything, a lover, truly my life. I would much rather be single forever than to be married and never fulfill the desire to serve the Lord with complete abandonment the way I desire to. I love Him with all of me, I have seen way to much and experienced way to much to evr turn around or slow down. I am ruined for the more of Him in my life.

I just need more!!