Friday, April 27, 2007

first time im thinking before speaking

ive been thinking about this for awhile.

first let me say that i talked to some friends of mine from africa today. will, musy and emelyn. omg, that was so good. to hear thier voices was amazing. i miss them like crazy.

i was about to write some stuff out, but as i started to, i felt to really just hold it in my heart for a while. so im not going to tell you what i was going to tell you. lets just say it is reay good, and a good vision for what ive been wanting to do and i get the best of both worlds.

hopefully one day it will work out.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

final decision

ok, i know that i said that i was going to go to IHOP first, but things have changed. haha who would have thunk it. im still going to IHOP but now, to visit my friend steph..that being the main reason im there, and also to seek the face of Jesus that is always nice as well. something happened last night. i was talking to my friend and then at the end of the convo, she asked to pray for me. of course im open to recieving any kind of prayer, especially after just coming out of this ast season of my life. my realisation for knowing my need it huge. so i just sat there and recieved. it was good. i cried and God showed up. but then something else happened that proceeds her prayer. she asked that i would have clarity and she broke off confusion, and oppression and all this stuff, right. well this morning i woke up, and was like i still feel like it isnt the right timing but havent fully made a decision yet...i ponder all things today. and finally, after talking to my dearest friend whom i love so much even she wont know how much when we get to heaven. it hit me, i have a heart for LA, i already know that. but i need to be totally sold on going out there when i go. bc it will get hard, life always does, and when it does i need to know that God told me it was the right timing. and i dont have that right now. and i think that it is a better idea for me to have my cosmetology liscense when i go out there, instead of going out there to get it. it will just help me out in the long run. so im getting an apartment and a car, and im going to cosmetology school. im going to spend the summer here and really enjoy my life stepping in the right direction. mmuuuuuaaaaaaa (evil laugh)
that is my final decision. im staying for now, and vangi almost cried she was so excited that i was staying. that makes me feel so loved. if she was the only person that loved me, i sometimes think that woud be enough because i know that she has so much love for me. i have some clarity now and dont feel so bi-polar anymore. ha. im excited to see what good things come of this next season in my life.

Monday, April 23, 2007

timing..all about timing...

so i thought that what was going on in me was fear. but now im not so sure. usually when it is unvieled that it is fear, fear leaves or is faint. but it hasnt left and has kept getting stronger, and what is happening is, im having thoughts of "maybe it isnt the right time". even when i was in LA i kept saying over and over to friends and God, if it isnt the right time, im ok with that. im willing to wait for the perfect timing. yesterday a friend askd me to go to miami with her for the summer, and then in the fall(august) we could move to LA. i really like that. that sounds so much better to me than moving out there right now. i know that LA is in there somewhere, im just thinking that it might not be until the fall. and i have never been to miami, sounds like fun. i can work there and save money for LA as well as i can here. im still not sure, these are just thoughts. im confused and dont really know. im going to go to IHOP for a weekend to get some prayer time in where im not being pulled by my emotions of which city im in. ... Jesus help me.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

im letting go

i see the water all around me. there is nothing else in sight. front to back, side to side..all there is water, ocean. and i hear Him asking me to take another step. "Priscilla just take another step?" my reply " Jesus, i dont see a step, all there is water, what are you talking about, if i take another step i will fall, sink, die... there is nothing around me" Jesus: "Cmon, i believe in you, even if you dont believe in me, i believe in you, you can do this" and as i took another step a concrete step appeared, and as i looked back there i saw all my steps that had been set in concrete. each step i took as i took it a concrete plank was created.

i have to give it all to Him. this time i have no plan B. im giving over my heart, my hope, dream, desire ...i cant keep it anymore. it was never mine in the first place. ive held on to it tight, but He is asking me to let it go, not even hold it loosely, but completely give it over to Him. He wants it now. this is hard. i have nothing left. im moving once again, and im scared. i have nothing that im going out there with. but i know this is what He wants, and bc of that, i want it to. but that doesnt mean that im not scared. i freakin freaked right out. but He told me something...

"Priscilla fear and faith go hand in hand, it is just a matter of what you are going to follow. it is easy to believe when you have nothing to loose, but when you have something at stake, to risk, and you still choose to keep walking ,moving forward even when you are scared. that is faith."

Abraham, and Sarah...with Issac. that is faith. they were scared, hell yeh they were scared who wouldnt be, to believe or hope that this promise is going to happen even though i cant see it. i just know that this what im suppose to do. i hope that i dont fail, i hope im hearing right, i hope this is right.

im leaving it all in His hands, im letting go.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

the reality is.....

that i am scared out of my mind. what if i suck at hair and makeup? what if i screw up again? what if it doesnt work out? what if im wrong again? i think i have heard God in so many areas, what if it doesnt happen? im freaked out to the core of who i am. i dont want to mess up anymore. i havent been afraid of jumping in the past, i do it alot it seems. i look like an idiot most of the time. but i dont want to anymore. i dont want to look like that anymore. the reality of this whole thing in LA is that im scared. God is asking me if i trust Him, and im not sure that i do. i want to, but im scared. what if it is wrong. what if it never happens. that will suck. i have to give everything to Him right now, not just my future, life. but my hopes, my desires, my heart. it belongs to HIm and that is scary because now after the last season i know that it is completely His. i have no plan B's. nothing. there arent any more options for me at this point. just this. and i feel like it is it, but im scared. no i freaked right the hell out. i have gotten so many words in my life that i would be a woman of faith. that i would leave a legacy of faith behind. i believed that, so i took risk..so i thought. but it isnt much of a risk when there isnt anything to lose. right now, my heart is at stake, my dreams, my desires, my hope. maybe that is what real faith is, when you do something anyways, although you might not truly believe, but you want to so badly, so you continue to move forward, take the next step. maybe that is real faith. abraham and sarah were parents in the walk of faith. they didnt believe, sarah laughed in His face. but i believe they wanted to. because in the book of Hebrews they are in the faith chapter of people who believed. he weighs our hearts right? the motives? just a thought.

there has to be more

yes! LA feels like home.

nashville, i love it here. i love the people here. i love my church. maybe LA is it, but it is the wrong timing.

this is the pull that i feel. yesterday i was all about LA. today im not sold at all on it. i love it out there, i feel like a piece of my heart is there. but nashville as of right now is definetly outweighing LA. i need to be competely sold on moving out there and starting all over again. i just dont have it in me to do all over again if im not completely sold on it. there has to be more.

when i think of it in the sense of hair and makeup...im completely like yeh, that is where i need and want to be. but when all the rest my life plays into it, im just not there. maybe there is fear, i will admitt that, but maybe it just isnt the right timing. maybe im suppose to stick around for the summer. that sounds like fun to me. and then go out there for the fall. i like that better already. well i guess we will see what happens.

Jesus if this is you, do your thang. cause i need you to.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

welcome to LA.

close your eyes. do you trust me? "no" i reply. do you want to trust me? "yes, of course i do" was my answer. priscilla will you step out on this ledge with me, grab my hand. have i ever let you fall? come with me. you have to let everything go, all your hopes and dreams. this time, its just me. just me you are grabbing onto. ... as i step out on the ledge i start to fall and as i start to fall holy spirit catches me..and i landed in LA. welcome to california.

i got picked up from the airport and went straight to a spa. a thai spa and got a massage. i was speechless ... this was by far the best massage i have ever gotten. omg... i will just leave it at that. trust me...go find a thai massage place and get one. it will rock your face off. and then i got my hair colored and cut. i just got pampered yesterday. what a great way to start out a week in LA. haha. God is good.

Monday, April 09, 2007

another wave

"another wave crashes on the shore. today is the hottest day since i have been in africa. although i am in the shade i can feel the sun beating down on me. eveyone is in class, and im here in my usual spot. sitting at the beach feeling closer to holy spirit than ever before. im just waiting. waiting for class to be over to hang out with grace, tyer or alex, which ever comes first. waiting for holy spirit to tell me something more certain about london. waiting for holy spirit to tell me something profound in general. i am in africa suppose to be having the most life changing experience ever. but as i wait, nothing. only a simple look as if to say, lets go for a walk. i like walking with you. that's it. just a walk. no talking, just walking. just being with me is all he wants. so we walk down the beach, i see a sail boat. i sit on the sand, enjoy the breeze and watch the ocean waves crash on the shore over and over. the water is so blue. the sand is so white. this is so beautiful. i am marveled at the beauty of His creativity. im just with Him, we are enjoying each other. its that simple. just to be with Him. just another day in africa. which was followed with much laughter and joy. simplicty can be the hardest life of all. today was one of the many that i enjoyed being silent with Holy Spirit, just listening, even if nothing was being said. sometimes the silence is the loudest expression of the heart."

Sunday, April 08, 2007

i needed that

He died for me. ... i know that easter is about that, Jesus dying for us and raising from the dead. we talk about it as christians all the time. it is the basis of christianity. but today, ... it hit home a little more than normal. it went a little deeper than it ever has before. this easter, i realised something. i NEEDED him to die for me. i needed him to do what he did. if he hadnt, the last three months would have put me under, and i mean way down under. no really, im serious. i needed Him to die for me. i need him to be my saviour. everyday, and the next and the next day after that for the rest of my life i need him to save me. to hold on tight, and never let me go, even when i let go, for him to never let me go. I NEEDED HIM TO DIE FOR ME. i have never looked at it ike that before, until today. i am so thankful and so zealous to be closer to HIm than ever before. i need to be close to Him. every second of every moment. i am to weak on my own to be away from Him. all it takes is one moment, one thought, one action. if i am not close to him, i can mess up at any moment. i need Him. i am realising my weakness and my state without Him, im realising my NEED for him. i am thankful that he died for me, i needed that.


hold me tight
dont ever let me go
this is the one thing that i need to know
that your love never lets me go
hold me tight

Friday, April 06, 2007

good friday

it is wierd, i have been working so much and feeling like there isnt much time to breathe that i have nothing to say. nothing to write. im sure if i just dig an inch deeper that i would, but im so tired and exhausted that all i am thinking about is a cupa and a bowl of soup at fido...that sounds good. well that is where im spending my friday night.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

i remember



this morning as i was ironing cothes for work..i remembered. i remembered the day i got back into the states arriving into nashville. it was wierd, the feeling i had, like this is home but it doesnt feel like it right now, i know i just got here, but i want to leave. not just nashville but, the US in general. so as i settled here trying to find a job and get a place, which ended up being mal's place... i forgot something along the way. i forgot what had just happened in africa and london. it felt like i hadnt even been there. i remember calling alex and ty saying "if feels like africa never even happened" it was the strangest feeling. it was almost obsolete. in essence forgetting lead me into a season that i wouldnt trade but would never ask to do over again and im glad that the worst part of it is over.....

it is 4am. my roommates are fast asleep as the sun is waking, and rising over the ocean. you can see the blue from where i sit. the americans are all asleep. but o, the africans wake as soon as the sun peeks thru, it is time to work. so i quitely, as quitely as you can, grab my bible, journal, and trusty ipod. i grab a white plastic chair, sit on my veranda, put my earphones in and listen to kimberly and beto. moments of silence pass. this is normal. but an unexpected, overwhelming sensation of Holy Spirit hits me, wave after wave. it continues for the whole time. wave after wave. my eyes are filled with tears, i recieve it Holy spirit is my only response. after about 30 minutes of this... he leans in and whispers in my ear "priscilla you bring me joy". an outburst of tears errupts. again "priscilla, YOU bring ME, the king of Kings, the one who created the universe, YOU bring Me joy" "it will never change, there is nothing you can do to change this" " I love you"

i forgot...but now, this morning...

i remembered.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

chilln

man..it has been so good to be around my best friend lately. i have missed Him. we have been hangin for a minute here lately. i love Him, He loves me. Im talking about Holy Spirit if you havent caught on yet. well that is all. im going to chill right out with Him now. it is way better than this.

Monday, April 02, 2007

sshhhheeewww....

that one was close guys....she made it thru. im so proud of her. didnt she do a great job. i knew that she would get it, but there were a few times i was quite concerned. but she did it.

that was what i felt on sunday as i arrived to church and proceeded to worship the Lord. to be in a place of people that although annoy me agreat deal most of the time, but we share such an amazing passion for Jesus was nice. i missed it. i felt like i made it thru this hard season. at one point i leaned over to mal to tell her that " i miss this, i really do" as i sat there recieving his love for me, and realising how amazing it was to be able to sit there and recieve his love after such a long hard three months, it was really humbling. i did get so excited though when i realised i wasnt going to hell. haha. i mean it though. i was so excited i even dared to interrupt tyler during his soaking time to tell him that "it was ok, and that i wasnt going to hell and neither was he" hahaha. but i was so serious. anyways, that is good news. He loves me so much. im still His daughter.