i missed you today

im on this road, im far away
im sitting here, i cannot stay
to many things are on my mind
concentration is to hard to find
i want to live out loud
verbally im crowded

here it goes
i missed you today
the warmth of your smile
the light in your eyes
the truth that out weighs the lies
if i could tell you
if you could hear
youre far away
i missed you today

it wasnt suppose to look like this
what ive been told
ignorance isnt always bliss
its all coming out
its not sweet, its bitter
this silent shout
of telling you

i missed you today
the warmth of your smile
the light in your eyes
the truth that out weighs the lies
if i could tell you
if you could hear
your far away
i missed you today

will it ever be what it looked like before
can it be simple, or a closed door
the old is new
this is heavy not knowing you
a hushed cry deep inside
is silently screaming
what i cannot hide

i missed you today
the warmth of your smile
the light in your eyes
the truth that out weighs the lies
if i could tell you
if you could hear
youre far away
i missed you today

getaway

i feel lost but im told that i am found
i feel shakey, but im standing on the ground
i want to fly away
somewhere other than here
i thought i'd found my way
somewhere other than here

fly away
ive got to get away, get away runaway from here
is this what i see, this cannot be
what ive been told what my life's to look like
ive got to get away, get away get away from here
ive got to get away get away runaway from here

the darkest of places
my heart just erases
memories of you and me
im not that strong
to let this love linger on

moving on, run into you again
moving on, that life was the end

fly away
ive got to get away, get away runaway from here
is this what i see, this cannot be
what ive been told what my life is to look like
ive got to get away, get away get away from here


to know what i dont know
to see what i cant see
this is what my life is suppose to be
a five letter word, that could cause so much hurt
take a chance and see the possibility

the ghost in my past
i hope this moment doesnt last

cynical or am i?

for my life time that i have been able to date... which has been a matter of 10 years, i havent. mainly because i have had standards. well that was what i called them and everyone around me and the people who taught me to "have standards" priscilla "God is protecting you" or my personal favorite " your intimidating, your so beautiful" , anyways this is just some of the many things i have heard my life. now as i sit here and im almost 27 and have never truly had a boyfriend i am starting to ask the question what is wrong with me? or what is wrong with the "high standards" i have had. and what if what everyone calls settling really isnt settling. everyone has problems, issues as i like to call them. God knows i am a queen of them. what if having standards that are never going to be attainable is really what is settling because that leaves me alone and lonely the very thing that i dont want. and settling means settling for something that you really dont want. and the truth is that i do want a boyfriend, to eventually get married, a person that i can laugh with and be goofy with but there is a connection spiritually. i just think that maybe the thoughts i have had about "boyfriend, dating, relationships" has really kept me from alot. and to me that is settling. and the whole thing about pursuit, im not sure what i think about that right now. im wondering if that will ever happen. does that even exsist in the mindset of a man. im not sure that it does. i think we have emasculated it so much that it wont happen. in this moment i pretty convinced that i will probably never get married, so i might as well come to terms with it now so i can get over the hope of ever having it. i should just go ahead and move to some island and live alone with Jesus. that would be much less painful. would you say i was being cynical, well im not sure that i am as much as i would say that i am being a realist at this point. not cynical, a realist. i would say hopeless. because i dont have any at this point. i mean when my closest friends says to me " if i could find a male prostitute for you i would" that pretty much leaves me hopeless that my only option right now is a meaningless lay and a moment of feel good. that is pretty much hopeless. doesnt say much of hope... i mean really.

grace

i would say that the place in my life is a really vital time in my life. i am learning that making mistakes is ok, although not my heart, that it isnt about performance. although i have been walking in this for the last few years it has seem to go a bit deeper right now. i am truly learning the revelation of grace. i use to think that revelation changed your life. now im learning that you have revelation to walk you in the changing process of your life. the very revelation isnt what changes you, it is the revelation that you are about to walk thru what you just got revelation on. grace for example. for the first time in my walk with Holy Spirit, im learning the revelation of grace that i got in africa., or maybe before that. but now im truly learning what that looks like. as of late i have been on several dates with guys. all different guys, all off different walks. i have never dated before. litterally. but since i have been back i have felt like it was ok to do so. so i have. i am learning alot, alot about God if that makes any sense at all. learning that nothing is what it seems that is for sure. i am walking a bridge that is lit one step at a time. and i dont know if this bridge is over troubled water or over land. im just not sure, but im continuing to walk it, but although i cant see it all lit up, i have tons of peace. i have grace. i have love. and that should get you thru anything right?

repentance

repent (v) - to change the way you think.

so i was thinking of how i use to think and how it is different from then to now. meaning like 6 months ago, to now. when i was in ministry school i use to think that i could change the world. that i was amazing, that i mattered. and hear this out before you start to think o wow, what is goin on with her? i use to think that my life mattered. i counted it as something. i was somebody, although i thought i was weak and poor, i really wasnt. in my heart i thought that i was truly, truly the shit. i thought that if i prayed for anyone that they would get healed. and i called that faith. we called that knowing who we are and what we walk in. for years i have walked in that mindset. i am " a daughter of the king" well at least that is what i have secretly hid behind the identity of being a daughter. knowing that i am loved. i have seen miracles. in the last 6 years i have seen things that most people have only dreamed about seeing in the supernatural. i have seen blind eyes opened, deaf ears opened, muscles growing back underneathe my hands. broken bones healed, creative miracles after creative miracles. cancer disappear. limbs grow back. i have seen countless ways of God showing His love for people. i have stood with tears in my eyes because i am in awe of how great God is. but deep in my heart, it was full of pride that i didnt even know was there. thoughts, like well if i prayed for that person they would have gotten healed because of what i carry, what i walk in. and i didnt find that arrogant, i really thought that because "i thought i knew who i was and what i walked in, the kingdom" but whose kingdom? not HIs that is for sure. i think about the brokeness of paul, of david. david was broken, broken to the core of who he was, but He was a man after God's heart. I dont think david was great because "he knew who he was" but because he knew who God was. He had a revelation of grace. in reality david was a horrible man. he was an adulterer. he lied. he was immoral. he was not that great. so how is it that he knew God, He had His heart? I think that david knew of his weakness and therefore He knew how much he needed God. He was aware of His weakness and knew that without the love of God that he wouldnt have made it anyhwere. in our weakness He is made strong. when we are walking around all proud of who we are, we are strong, where does that leave God? i dont count my life as something, i dont think that my life will ultimately make that big of a difference. i will lose my life to gain His. that will change the course of History, my history, and anyone who walks in that path. but my life on its own no chance. i know that sounds very cliche, but there is much brokeness in this season. for the first time in my christian walk, i know what paul means when he said i count my life as nothing. these are just things i have been thinking of here lately. i just wonder what this season is going to look like, meaning God unteaching me all these things that i have learned. i dont think that it is all wrong but the bigger portion of how i have thought is, and i am relearning it with a brokeness that is so real all i can do is cling to Jesus, and not even because i want to, but because i know that it is the only thing that will keep me, because i trust Him in His goodness. He is good, in my weakness He is good, He is beautiful, to the core of who He is. He is good, He is God. He loves me and i love Him.

it is well

i left today, and as i was gone....nothing. it was just me and Jesus. he sat with me in the silence and we just drove and said nothing. there wasnt anything to say. and still there isnt anything to say. just silence, all is well.

i know nothing.

im leaving where i am going im not sure. i want to be alone and in thought with Jesus. i want to get this thing worked out, whatever this thing is. i want to go to mexico. if i had a credit card i would put it on that, but all i have is cash saved up. and i dont have enough for the ticket. im listening to this old hymn, it is well. but im not sure that it is. is it? is it well, it surely doesnt feel like it, and i feel a bit skitso. one day im great and the next im not. what is that about. last night i couldnt sleep and my heart hurt again. i told every tormenting spirit to leave me. i came out of agreement with fear and did all what i knew to do, but it didnt help. i need help. i need Jesus, but He seems to far away right now, i keep crying out for Him but i dont hear a response from him. i keep reaching for Him but feel nothing. my eyes are searching but i see nothing. where is this lover i once would have said that i knew, and now i would say i know very little. where is this person i once called my friend. i miss Him. i miss Him very much. my heart aches, litterally with pain for Him. not lovesick, but desperation for His touch to once again invade my life. once again to experience HIm. im longing for this touch, and this time it is a longing that i have never experienced before. this goes deeper than even i knew was in me. GOOODDDDD i need you. please come. i have no preconcieved ideas, you have broken all that, i dont know what to expect anymore, so i dont expect anything. i use to have a box, that was bigger than most, but now im uncovered, broken, and naked. im exposed and im cold wanting you to cover me, but i cant find shelter. im looking but cant find any, where are you? what are you? who are you? what do you look like? because everything i use to know is shit now. i know nothing now. i know nothing. i litterally know nothing.i closer i get, the more i realise that i dont know you, and the futher away i realise that i am. im not close at all. this reality wasnt reality at all. what i know now, seems like reality. WOW..... it is well. the one thing that keeps me is that i know that you love me, and that you are good. that is it. that is all i know. all. all i know. and i dont even know that as well as i thought i did. i told you God i dont know anything.

it ok.

i just want to sit with Jesus today. i just want to be with him, and let him tell me how much he loves me. i just want to know more. i need to know. im glad that everything is going to be ok. its ok. im listening to mute math, the song "OK". it is about Jesus. it is ok. its ok. perfect grace, its ok.

africa

i havent talk alot about africa since i have been back. i really havent known what to say. i couldnt tell you what i learned or what i got from it. the experience i think went even deeper than i thought, because honestly i didnt think that it changed me that much. but now looking back i realised something, i was me in africa. i laughed, played with Jesus, loved people, and just hung out. it was simple. it was nice. i still cant put into words what it was, maybe because i am still trying to figure it out. but i know this, i miss it. when i first got back, africa seemed so distant, the memory of being there. it actually seemed liked i had never been. but as time goes by and the futher africa gets from me, the more i remember, the more i want to go back. i still wouldnt ever want to live there for years and years but i could spend a great deal of time there. it is just simple. i was looking at pictures tonight and just remembering all my laughs with alex and tyler. and just really enjoying the memory of it. im really glad that i went with them. they will be friends for life. although, we havent spoken much since we have been back, i know that when we are all around each other it will be as if we were never apart, we will just pick back up where we left off. i love friends like that. anyways, africa was amazing. i thought of it today. i missed it today. i wished i was there today. africa, you are amazing. one day soon we will meet again, and our lives will collide. one day soon. one day.

one of my favorite memories in africa was when we went camping for the weekend. alex, tyler, suzanne, caleb, eric, and myself. we had so much fun, although we almost got kicked out of a ministry school, hahaha, it was well worth it. we had fun. that night we had a couple beers, and laughed. it was fun, we were on a mission looking for a cure from the mission school. ironic huh? but really we were. it was awesome. i wouldnt change anything. what a beautiful place we stayed at that night. the water had glowing things in it. we all went swimming late at night. the kind of swimming that is freedom to your soul haha. and spirit for that matter. we had never laughed so hard that night. i love laughing. it is freedom to your soul and spirit. africa, what a memory.

my crush

ok well here it is. i have a small crush on the guy that i went on a blind date with. he is really nice to me and he is funny and we get along. we might not agree on everything, but i feel my eyes are being opened for the first time. it is wierd. we have talked on the phone, and been around each other a bit. and i just like him. im not sure what it is that i am drawn too, but i am. and i like that. and i just do...i just like him. at least for now. it might change, but it hasnt yet. so we will see what happens. his career is about to take off so who knows, but i'd like to give it a try. he is cute. he is a pretty boy. haha. he wears product in his hair. i really like the way he dresses. he likes to shop, he has awesome style. i like it. did i mention that he is funny. he is. he got it when i said, I got worms. haha that was awesome. anyways, my box is being broken that is for sure. enough about that. i just wanted to write about my crush. his name is drew davis. he is so cute, he's a hottie...... and did i mention that he has a cowboy hat. all of you that know me, know my thoughts on cowboy hats. o, dear Jesus....help me. hahaha

the truth.

the truth. the truth is that i have issues. the truth. but they arent bigger than Him. the truth, is that i am loved. the truth. is that i am worth it. there is someone out there that will think that my issues arent that big and we can work thru them. the truth, is that someone someday will think that i am funny, beautiful inside and out. the truth. i will let down my walls and let someone in. the truth. i am weak, and vulnerable, but it is good. the truth. is that i am pure and holy in His sight. the truth, He sees the finished result. the truth, im not alone and He is giving me someone to walk with me thru this. the truth. i am priority, and someone will make me that in thier life. the truth, is that i want to be loved just like everyone else. the truth is that i need to be loved just like everyone else, and how God is bringing that about is breaking my box completely. the truth is that God likes to break our boxes and if we let Him in that deep He will. the truth is that this is going deep, so deep that i cant touch it ... He has to. the truth. the truth is that im going to be ok.

silent scream

my heart today feels like there is a hole in it. a friend called me up the other day and said that she had been praying for me and that Papa showed her something about me. you know that tone that people get when they arent sure how you are going to recieve something...yeh it was that tone so i say.... go ahead, just say it. i could feel it. so she laughs and then tells me that God wanted to go deeper with healing me in the area of father issues. i already knew that i had father issues, i mean who wouldnt if your dad leaves you and then have an abusive alcoholic step father. i mean seriously! but i thought that i had dealt with alot of those issues. anyways, she proceeds to tell me that the issue goes even deeper than i can comprehend and that Papa wants to heal this in me, and when rejection happens to me in the area of men, that is why it hurts so bad, more than it should. it is true to, i mean when i get rejected by a guy, it seems to hurt more than it normally should. but it is because this is a deep rooted issue in me that I havent let Papa get to, well this layer anyways. but now it is coming up, and it is painful. it really hurts. all day my heart has litterally hurt. it was wierd. my heart hurts, there is a hole in it, it feels like. im not sure how to go about and get this fixed. i know that there is nothing that i can do to fix it except be with Jesus, and honestly that is the last place that i want to be, because it hurts. i have to be still before him and let him come in and that means that im going to be a wreck. aarrgghhhh. im tired of that, and just dont have the energy for it. i want it to be simple. i really need a dad right now. i need a dad to tell me that i am worth it. someone that is tangible. i need a dad to tell me that i am beautiful and that i am worth it all. whatever the all is, im worth it. i really just want a hug. a hug. no words. just a hug. if i had wings i would fly away today. im not sure where i would go, probably to Papa's arms and have Him hug me, a hug that i could feel. my heart is silent but full of emotion, emotions that i cant put words to. i need you.

blessed assurance

i have been in this place alot in my life. this place where you are sure of nothing, not even of the step that you are about to take. but this time it is really different. what do i mean by that? well it is different in that usually i have some idea in my head that "a certain something" what ever it might be is where i am headed. this time i just dont know. do i have ideas of what i could be doing sure, but im totally unsure about them. my life is on a road that is not travelled much, this ground is cold to the touch and there arent very many shoe prints on the sand. warm bodies havent been down this road in a while. i actually feel as if i am frodo in the Lord of the Rings. I feel as if i have stepped out of the shire and knowing that it will never be the same. im not even sure when the shire was. i just know that it has been a long time since i have been there and im not sure that i will ever go back. along this journey God has given me amazing friends, that without them, i wouldnt have made it. im walking down this road and there are all kinds of things that are trying to stop me from getting to the end, but God keeps stretching His hand out, i often grab it, and sometimes not. sometimes the hurt and questioning of why? keeps me from grabbing it. but in the end i always do. He always leaves it out for me to grab. and then when it isnt, im screaming from inside to have it. on this road, one thing keeps me going. one thing keeps me alive, keeps me breathing for more, keeps my joy. one thing. and that is knowing that IM TOTALLY LOVED BY GOD. i know that beyond anything else that He loves me. although i need to know that more, i know it. here i am His favorite one. i am His favorite and that is comforting. that makes this road not so lonely and not so cold. He keeps me warm and that is reassuring.

can you hear me?

i lost my voice.

im sick.

im coughing and i cant talk.

im suppose to work tonight, and that is very unlikely. especially since im a server and talk to people. they wont be able to hear me. this cant be good.

im annoyed because i cant talk, and it hurts to try. and it is making me annoyed.

im good.

God: "I wish that you would have made more mistakes in life."

graham cooke: what? why?

God: because then I would have known that you were trying.

this morning i went to church and Larry was preaching. it was so good. He was talking about the journey of following Holy Spirit.

there is a struggle from the caccoon to the flight of the butterfly. the butterfly has to struggle (the flapping of the wings) to break the caccoon to fly away.

-Larry Randolph

this was so encouraging to me. we will have to make mistakes and it is good. IT IS GOOD. God is ok with that. any struggle, it lets Him know that we are willing to deal with out shyte and get it taken care of. the struggle is good, the journey is great. today, i felt relieved about my life as of late, the struggle of life. today, that message was just for me and mallory. i know that it was. my life is good, im good.

Dear..

My dear sweet Holy Spirit

Im sorry. im sorry that i have blamed you for my broken heart, my hurt, and the pain that my heart has been feeling. im sorry that i havent let you come in all the way and heal it. im sorry that i have been hiding behind someone else. i know that you are good and that you want to come in and dance with me, dance the pain away. love the pain away. the brokeness away. im sorry that i have believed the lies of the enemy, and partnered with him in believing what isnt true about who i am. im sorry that i have believed that i will never be found by a man that will see with me with your eyes. Holy Spirit once again, i am watching my closest friends being pursued by these men who know you and know your heart for them. and they are treating them like the precious gold they are. as im watching this it puts little hope in me that one day i could possibly have that. but because i have bought into the lies of the enemy it is hard for me to believe this. but i so badly want to. is it true? is there really someone who will see that in me. i see it, i know that you see it, but will they? i want to say yes. i need to say yes. but right now, what i need is for you to come in all the way, im making room, right here, today. for you to come in and comfort me, fill my heart with your love, so i can know the truth. i need you to come in and tell me the truth. cancel out all the lies that i have believed, to take away the message that has been sent to me my entire life, and tell me the truth. i need your love. o, how i need your love. i dont want to believe this lie anymore. i want to know the truth, i need to know the truth and i need it to go deep. i know that this love will bring up pain, will bring up so much hurt, but all this has to come out so i can be healed. im asking so desperately for you to come in Holy Spirit and bring your comfort, your love and your truth. i need you.

my heart

aaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh........ my heart is hurt. my heart is broken. my heart is sad. my heart has survived. my heart use to be whole. my heart needs to be healed. my heart has been proven wrong. my heart is wanting it to be different. my heart is a puddle drowning in itself. my heart is real. my heart never likes to be fake. my heart is not trustworthy. my heart is unfailing. my heart is torn between two things that im not sure about it. my heart is sometimes black and sometimes white. my heart is never grey. my heart lives on the outside wishing to be on the inside. my heart hears a song that sometimes is sad but most of the time happy. my heart is mostly alive but the part that is dead is effects the rest of the life that it has. my heart wants quality and not quantity. i want a life worth living and my heart is searching for that, but has no idea of how to go about getting that. my heart, my heart, my heart. what is this thing we call out heart, and why does it beat. what life does it give. if our heart is the place that carries every dream and desire, and we cant trust that, then what can we trust. if this the place where our core meets God and we cant trust it, then what can we trust. trust is the issue. although im writing about can i trust or not, i have to believe that my heart is good. that my heart loves Jesus. someone told me that the heart is wicked above all things, but wait. in the new testament it says that it is good. and if to the core of who we are, Jesus lives there, in our hearts then i have to believe that my heart is good. He abides there. and where He is nothing bad can live. He lives there, He lives with me, in me, around me, He lives there. He is good, and so if He is good, and He lives there, he isnt going to live any place that isnt good. evil cant live with good and good cant live with evil. there would be no peace. i have to trust, although that is the hardest thing for me and it is only thru the soverignty of His amazing grace and mercy that i can, i have to trust that my heart is good. because i need to trust Him and that is what He says and He cant lie. i need an encounter with God that so surpasses any other that i have ever had, so i can know more right now in this place of desperation that He loves me, that HE LOVES ME, just thte way i am right now..completely screwed up. im letting it all hang out. i couldnt even pull it all in if i tried.