the road

today i saw a picture...i saw a road that was paved...the two yellow lines painted down the middle...and all i saw was this road as far as my eyes could see. i saw it almost as if thru a camera lense, the road was eye level. as i looked i heard God say this is a long road you might as well sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. this road will sometimes be exciting, sometimes quite, sometimes awkward, sometimes funny, alot of the times funny, sometimes sad, sometimes i will ask you to take your seatbelt off and let the wind blow thru your hair. sometimes, you will need your seatbelt extra tight, this road is what you make it. this road will see many different seasons. winter, spring, summer and fall. i will never ask you to backtrac, to turn around. i took the rear view mirror off. there are no side mirrors. all there is, is my voice and your heart. follow my voice and listen to your heart. remember two things on this road. i love you no matter what and this road is about one thing,love. love will change any circumstance. love will heal all things, love is the essence of your well being. it will keep you alive and will never let you die. all good things come from love. this road will have alot of bumps along the way, but remember this and you will do just fine. this road that you are on... this road is called life.

LA?!?!?!

kinda odd, but as i just purchased my ticket out to LA, i got all teary eyed. that was an odd reaction. but good i guess. i am excited and scared. i wasnt even scared when i thought i was moving to london, or did to move to london and then off to africa. i was totally like yeh, this is great. but this is my dream. something i have wanted to do for a while...hair, makeup, fashion. so that seems a bit more scary, im going after it.

what was it that rosa parks said. without vision people perish, but without courage dreams die. so this is me being courageous in the most cowardly way, because it scares me. but here goes nothing. nothing lose and everything to gain.

it isnt that we are afraid of incompetance, it is that we are afraid that we are more powerful beyond measure....or something like that. hahaha.

post africa

in the last 3 months, i have done some things that im not proud of, would i take them back. no, most of the decisions i have learned some valueable lessons from. some i just have regret. but i think that goes with a season like that. in the last few weeks i have felt a switch in the spirit, in my spirit. im not sure where i went when i got back from africa, but i wasnt here. i did alot of things, said alot of things that were out of my character. with my eyes wide open i am seeing the carnal side of me, and i dont like that person. thankfully i am also seeing how much i need grace in my life and i got to see the beautiful side of weakness, when god is made strong. im being brought, wooed back to my first love...litterally. my sweet sweet Jesus. i love Him so much, He loves me so much. i have missed this time that i am having with Him right now. my heart and spirit has longed for it, and im not sure why i didnt have it, but im glad that i am back to that place of longing for him, from such a deep place in my soul, my spirit. i was getting ready to go somewhere today, and as i looked in the mirror, i saw me for the first time in months. i told god that i wanted all the bad out, because it wasnt pretty or attractive. i want to have that glow about me again that says, im a lover, Jesus loves me. i got a hard shell around me in the last few months and i want that gone. i want to be soft. pliable, moldable, i want to look like Jesus. i want him. i realise that what i have been going thru is only the process of looking like Him more, which is the very thing that i have been pleading for, asking for, praying for...to look more like you Jesus. well for that to happen, anything that is deep in my heart that isnt of Him has to come out. and thankfully it has. but also thankfully that i am near Him again. i couldnt bare it any longer. i missed my best friend. i felt alone, but now i am by myself and feel completely accompanied by one who never left, and will never leave. i love you Jesus.
i love Holy Spirit.....omg...that is nice.

fair warning....

fair warning to all people in my life right now. im a bad person. im bad a relatioships in general. im selfish. im a bad friend. i pretty much suck right now. so if i have offended you in any way..im sorry truly i am. hopefully in the near future i'll be a better person. so yeh. that is it. im hoping that it is all changing soon. ive totally hurt people that i love. 2 of the greatest people in my life. Lareasa and Mal. i love you guys and i hope that you know that. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. i'll be gone soon enough and that should help a little bit. you guys are awesome, and i do love you. sorry that this season in my life you have walked with me thru it. i know that it hasnt been easy, but i am very grateful. to any other person that i have hurt, gosh... i dont want to know. im sorry so please get over it. i dont think that i can handle anyone else telling me that im an awful person or friend. just know that im sorry. ok ok. that really is it.

climbing or jumping?!?!?!

the right trac. what does that look like?!?!?! well i hope that im on it. another shift has happened. this is good. a little scary but good. how many times have you heard me say that i dont know what this looks like? so many. if i had a dollar for everytime i thought or said that i'd be wealthy. that is for sure. most would not like to live my life. atually most live my life but think that they are living someone else's. meaning that most people think that they know where they are going in life, what it looks like, when inreality it always changes and never looks like what they expected and then they are all disfigured. i just start out disfigured and know from the start what it looks like. messy! since i have been back the idea of LA has been jumbled in there somewhere, sometimes close and sometimes far away. it is easy to get comfortable to live a life that is going no where and has no meaning. sometimes i am alright with that. but this isnt one of those times. im going to LA in april to see if im going to move out there. it seems like God is opening up some doors and there is opportunity for me to do what im into. fashion, hair, makeup. things im good at. there is room for improvement but that is in any area of my life. so this is a time where i face what im scared of and do it. if it doesnt work then at least i will know. i need to give a try at least, and i feel like i am in a good spot in my life to do so. im learning about myself more and more. the more i live, the more i become alive. so once again, this will be another mountain i climb or jump off of?!?!?! we will see which it is.

a dream

another moment. i was visiting a website of a ministry that i use to be part of. as i was looking over it, it made me sad. my heart started to break as i realised that what God has intended for His bride and the world, we have missed. it isnt about works. it isnt about God saving us or them. it isnt about worshiping Him or any of that. it is all about relationship. Him loving us. i have often heard this phrase "your kingdom come your will be done ..ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN" what was the one thing that Jesus focused on more than anything else when He was on earth. His relationship with His father. that was what he constantly had in mind. nothing else, nothing more. let me get away so i can find out much my Father loves me today. that was His heart. He was the son of God but still needed to know that God was well pleased with Him. do you get that?!?!?! we have to know that we are loved. nothing else matters. that is his will on earth as it is heaven,to know that we are truly loved just for us. if you dont know that He loves you, then where is all that goodness flowing from? works? a performance mentality? all that goodness is only good when it flows from the abundance of His love for us and when we know it. other than that it really it isnt good. it is creating a false truth. and eventually if you are really seeking God what will happen is the that kingdom that you are building will get knoocked down all the way and the world you just created will be no more. you will have to rebuild from the ground up and that isnt fun. get this now. lets get this now. the real truth. it is about love. that is it. Him loving us. He isnt in this thing to change me. change will happen. it always does with or without god. change is a constant. He is just in this to love me. and the more i know that he loves me, the more i will want to be around him. im telling you God is shaking people to the core of who they are, whatever is made of man is getting broken and will not be replaced. God is being hastened to come back for his bride and unfortunately it wont look like most think it will.

i had a dream about 2 men.

the first was on a platform and it looked like what we would call "revival'. people were getting healed, miracles after miracles, the "gospel" was being preached.

the second man was in a prison cell. He had tattoos all over him, long hair in a pony tail. he was a rough looking dude. he looked hard to the core. and he was in prison for murder.

the dream kept switching scenes to the first man and then the second, several times it would switch scenes. then the man in prison fell to his knees and started to sob, forgiving his grandmother, and he went down a list of people that he was forgiving and then asking for forgiveness. as this was happening the two scenes were side by side and God showed up and points to the man on the platform saying " for too long you have called this righteous" and then he pointed to the man in prison and says " but this is what i call righteous, if you want to learn my ways this is what it looks like"

that has stuck with me for the last month. His ways are not going to look like what we have preconcieved in our minds. he is ready to destro to the core what the enemy has built, and strangely enough the enemy always bulds things that look to similar to the truth, or what we want to believe is the truth.

bombarded

today i woke with not much on my mind, just simply..thank you God i got to sleep in. as i have gone about my day, making coffee, calling a few friends, checking my email ..etc... my heart is being drawn to be with Jesus. it doesnt feel the same, but i feel it deep down in the core. this is a bit deeper than before. when i checked my email today i had several new emails from people in africa and london. people that i spent a good amount of time with or people that i met a long the way. something in my heart was grabbed. almost solemn. i miss that. i think maybe because it reminds me of what use to be. i know that i cant live where i use to be, but when it was so good you cant help to want to go back to that place. last nite i went to the snow patrol concert in ATL with mallory. it was amazing. there was one part when Holy Spirit showed up. i sat down closed my eyes and asked Him to be with me once again. if i keep asking He will eventually come wont He?!?! i know that it cant be the way it use to, mainly because it doesnt satisfy. i need something new. i need to be renewed. questions still linger, they might not be as close as they were before, but they are still within my sight. i hope soon that these questions will no longer be here. i want to just sit with Jesus and not question anything. i just want to believe. today i felt bombarded with who i use to be and am i still tha person today?!?!? well im not sure about anything right now. im just glad that the intensity of this season had dwindled down. my heart just wants Holy Spirit. i just want to be with Him on the beach and let Him love me and me love Him. this is what i want to be bombarded with. a reminder of how much He loves me.

just to be

if i could give it all away
be non exsistent for a time
have the clouds roll back this day
hear what the rain had to say
sitting here in silence
with no pressure, reason or rhyme
eyes open to see
to live a life
just to be.

living from my heart
sometimes sloppy, oraganic and raw
living out loud
crying or laughing
unstable and emotional this is what you see
but deep inside there is freedom
coming from within me
living this life
just to be

the glass is half full never empty on a dime
there is hope and happiness
around the corners bend
there is no fear that was the last time
my life is extreme
extreme of both ends
im learning that there is no balance
of possibility
that this is my life
just to be

dear God

help me, or forgive me, or do both actually. haha. im laughing but im serious. no wonder no one ever takes me serious. i am always laughing.

fun life

it is dark and rainy. the sun is slightly shining thru and you can see the drops falling thru the sky. as the rain hits the roof and i can hear it loudly but softly, and listening to the words of a song that i find myself often asking the questions to. what a mystery He is. the rain makes me think of africa. i miss africa, mainly i miss my life there. it was simple and there werent the worries of life, like there is here. i miss tyler and alex. all our laughs, that was fun. i remember one nite, it was thanksgiving, we laughed so hard. tyler doing his international minister of fire dance out on the dock of pemba beach hotel. that was amazing, we were smoking a really potent cigarette that would probably give you cancer in the first drag you took. alex and suzanne were talking music of some sort, tyler and i were laughing hysterically about the world we just created about ministers of fire. and our friend caleb got slightly offended at our lengths we were going to, to not be religious. haha. that was equally as funny. you know me, there is no line that you can cross. it doesnt exsist. haha.

i just had another memory...of africa that was equally as funny. im laughing so hard rite now that im crying. omg...that was freakin awesome. we (tyler, alex, caleb, suzanne, myself) had all decided that we were going to go camping. so off we went, we told some people but not who we should have told. we have an awesome time, we sat around a camp fire, had a few beers, went swimming at night, and then went to bed to wake up to the next morning of our staff leaders looking for us at the campsite. the german shepard, and pitbull. luckily they didnt find us. so we sat in our little house upstairs and decided to think of the worse case scenario. we have a week left of school and they are going to kick us out. Alex, caleb, and suzannes face of sheer terror that this could possibly happen was priceless. tyler and i just laughed and to make matters worse for the others we keep torchuring them telling them that is what is going to happen. like we knew, no we didnt. they are scared out of thier minds to get in trouble and we are laughing our heads off. alex's facial expression is forever etched in my memory.

we had a great time of living life. i want to live life here. i want to be alive in whatever i am doing. whether that is here, or somewhere else. i just want to have a fun life. one of my greatest friends looked at me and said "pris, lets have a fun summer, a really fun summer" and i said yeah, lets do...lets have a fun life.

people, lets have a fun life. we only have one chance at this thing....lets have fun at it.

i wonder ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

another time for being real. something i just want to try out. for the last two months i have tried this whole dating thing right? have even dated some guys that are out of my norm. meaning they werent christians...i had questions?!?!?! really i did. but after a little experience in it i feel like i have swung around full circle to where i was. mainly i felt like i was on a rebound from a relationship i was never in, but my heart was. the question still remains do i have feelings for this person, well lets just put it this way. im not where i was with it 2 months ago, but i would love to try it out. to see if there is something there. does he know this, probably not. i think he still has a girlfriend. im not sure though. mainly i want to see...is there something there? i know that he has to have thought about it. we get along so well, or so i think we do. we know each other well, lets just see... if it doesnt work, ok fine then, but at least there wont be that question there lingering in my mind. i can like other guys, i have before. the last 2 months have been full of being interested in guys. and really willing to be in a relationship but it just hasnt worked out. and i keep going back to this person...wondering...questioning?!?!?!? could there be?!?!?! maybe?!?!?! im not sure. but id like to give it a shot. he is one of my best guy friends. ive seen him be a jerk, ive seen him be serious, be funny, boring, amazing, holy, a heathen( hhahaha) ..i feel like i have seen him in alot of areas in his life and i still think that he is one of the best men i have ever met. he truly is gold. i just think the world of him. and even if nothing ever happens, and all we ever are is only friends, i will still think that he is equally amazing...why? because i just love who he is. he is just a great guy. he is a good friend. one of the best.

in the world or of it?

to all the people that feel unloved. ...

for the last three years, that have been the most intense,.. i had gotten this revelation that i was daughter, right? that i didnt have to work for love, perform on any level. i got the revelation of grace on some level in the church, as much as you can get it. i was finding out who i am. and to walk that out in the church was easy for me, i kept myself safe and around circumstances that wouldnt challenge what i was learning or getting a revelation on, grace that is.i surrounded myself around people who were like me, all believers. i got it that i was saved by grace and that the only reason for my exsistence is for God to love me. it is all about the relationship that you have with Him. that it doesnt have anything to do with how much i love Him, how great i am, how much i read my bible, how much time i spend with him. none of those things matter, just that He loves me and that is it. that if i never do any of these things, He will love me as much right now as He is ever going to love me. in the church, that was easy to walk out. but now, i am back from africa, working in an enviroment that is full of the world. what i have been learning the last 3 years is being put to the test. i am being challeneged in my very revelations of grace, and love. the questions that have bombarded my mind, heart and soul. the last 2 months have probably been the hardest 2 months of my life, in my walk with Holy Spirit. He has seemed far and close all at the same time leaving me confused and disillusioned. here i am before men, loving Jesus and having to trust that He loves me no matter how many mistakes i am making. so in the church grace exsist....but does it exsist in the world? well for so long it hasnt, that is why the world doesnt come to church. what we have learned that we are sons and daughters has stayed inside the four walls never leaving the "sanctified" but in reality the world are the ones that need to know that they are loved, that there is grace, and it doesnt just start when you get saved, but it is always there. there is no boundaries of grace it knows no bounds. i like living in the world. some of the people that i work with are in the world and they are becoming my greatest friends. i think that when we as believers step outside the four walls with our revelation of grace and love, and allowing ourselves to make mistakes, the world will see something that is pure and holy. that weakness is actually what is pure and holy, because it makes Him strong. david knew that, and his heart was pure before the Lord, and he was totally messed up. they will see that it isnt about having it all together and that i have to be perfect before i go to church and live my life a certain way. they will see that they can love themselves just the way they are because Jesus does and that is attractive. Love is attractive. Grace is attractive. i learned to love myself in the church and now i am learning to love myself in the world. this week something has changed, im not sure what it was, but something has. the very thing that you are called to, the enemy wants to distort. i am called to love the world, i love doing it. i love that my friends are unbelievers and i get to truly love them with a love that is from the Father, and that they are experiencing Jesus and not even realizing it. and im not in it to change them, im just in it to love them. i think that is how Jesus is with us, He isnt in this to change us, He is just in to love us. do we change in the process, well of course...but his motive is to just love us. that is powerful and crazy to think about. He just wants to love us. no matter where you are in life. i know that my life is called to live in the world, the enemy tried to distort that in the last 2 months but, Holy Spirit is so much stronger than that. im so glad that Holy Spirit is my friend. i love Him and He loves me. im just in the beginning of my walk with Holy Spirit and learning His ways, i want to know more. although, it is rocking me to the core of who i am and showing me what i am made of....which isnt much, i like it. because i am getting to know Him and that is my only goal in life. to know Him. and the only way i get to see Him in my life is to stay weak. that is when He shows up, that is when i get to know Him.

just sit with me

as i sit with God, and want to tell Him of all my mistakes lately, tell Him of all my issues, tell Him my list that i feel needs to be exposed....and me waiting to hear His response...u know what i hear? "I dont want to talk about all these things, lets just be, just sit with me, all those things dont matter." that is what He tells me everytime, i go on a drive with Him, walk with Him, get on the floor...that is what i hear. that leads me to believe that none of the details in my life matter, just as long as i am with Him. when i was in africa i got that. i didnt have anything to worry about, i just sat with Him, sometimes we talked, sometimes we didnt, we just were. I was with Him and He was with me. that is it. it wasnt about anything else so i how do i convert that over to a life here with all the temptations of mistakes that happene in life and still know that it is all about being with Him. nothing matters, just being with Him, just walking with Him. i am finding myself so weak and poor in spirit that knowing that it is just about being with Him makes all the difference. it is harder to walk out in a place that your life is full of everything else. but i know that He hasnt left me, either He is good or He's not. and i choose to believe that He is good. i know that HE is good. He cant be anything other than what He is. i sat with a friend last night and we talked and talked. it was so good because out of us talking this is what came out. im a verbal processor if you havent gotten that by now, i am. and when we talked this what came out. it was awesome, everytime i get before Him all He says is "i dont want to talk about that, just sit with me" He just wants to be with me. with me. me. that is amazing, He is amazing. and im broken at the thought of it. i have such a good lover.

2 months

well it has been 2 months that i have been back, and it has taken me this long to get it together, and what may i be getting together you might ask well me getting fit. i started running yesterday and also started eating all raw again. im not going to stay raw, but i will do it for a couple of months to clean me out and get me skinny. i still havent lost all the weight i gained from being in africa. so i hit it hard core yesterday. i ran 3 miles yesterday and 2 and a half today. and about half the way are hills. so yeh, my legs, calves, hamstrings are sore, but a good sore. so 2 months. it took me 2 months, to gain the weight, ive been back 2 months, and it will probably take another 2 months to get to where i want to be. 2 months....hopefully it will be a short 2 months.

commercials

so in life......if nothing happens that is life altering, mal and i think that it would be really great to audition for the commericals to be the new std girls, yeast infections, hemrhoids, and anything in that nature. it just would be funny. so yeh, that is my beginning blog for march. so if you see us on tv saying "hi i have genital herpes. did you know that 80 percent of the time it is spread without even an outbreak. now, there is livetral. it helps to prevent it spreading to your partner" hahaha. that is funny. and then you see us throwing rocks in the river with our pertners on a nature wallk. haha. funny stuff.