i will not... i will

all i have to say is that i will not go back. i will not waver from what i believe is the truth. i will not sway from my standards of what i believe is to be the best. i dont want what i use to want. i want someone and something better. i want Jesus. He is the best and the overflowing and abundance of the best. i will not settle. i will not. i will not be complacent where i am. i will not live a life that is dormant. i will live a life that is active in faith and love. i will love with everything in me. i will give my heart away fully when it is time. i will live a life with holy spirit that is adventurous and im sure dangerous. i will live a life that is extreme in the truth of God. i will live. i will live with a heart that burns with passion for the things of the spirit, for the things that matter most in this world...LOVE. I will live a life that is consuming with the purifying fire of God. i will live a life with my heart truly alive. i will live a life with my heart alive deep, deep on the inside. this is how i will live. all i want is Jesus, all i want is Holy Spirit to consume my everything.

something's happening

this morning i woke with a sense of heaviness in my heart. not sure of what it was, and considering it being so early im trying to fall back asleep. as i closed my eyes, tossing and turning, looking at the clock again hoping that more time has passed then what really has... i read 3:34. can it really be that early and im wide awake. knowing that today was going to filled with things to do that i have been putting off i know that i need to try and get some sleep. so once again, i close my eyes with the anticipation that i will be going to sleep. still moving all over the bed, i cant get comfortable. i finally lay still long enough to fall sleep for about an hour. i awake again to the sound of rain falling, i think it has to be at least 6am. that is better than 4, still early but not as early. nope it is some time after 4. i cant figure out why i am having such a hard time sleeping. in the last 3 days i havent slept that much at all, and then when i would fall asleep i have been having intense dreams about war. so in the last 3 days at least every morning around 3 and from that time on, i havent been able to sleep. so this morning finally when about 7 rolled around i got up and packed my things and continued about my day. but this morning more than usual i felt an overwhelming feeling of heaviness. i couldnt figure out what it was. i knew that HS was doing something, but what im not sure. i felt aniexty and stress. for lack of better words, that is what i know to describe it as. i know that it isnt God, but in this case what i was feeling was. what is that i am feeling. something is happening in the spirit and it is important that we pay attention to what it is. it was alomost a sense of urgency, but what about? i still dont know and it has lifted a bit form this morning but i can still feel it. i think of ecclesiates 3, there is a time for everything. so i know that it is a time for something, so i am asking God, what is time for? what is that you are up to Holy Spirit? i want to know. it is funny i am listening to snow patrol, chasing cars, and i feel like i want to worship to it.


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

random

wow, can i just say RANDOM, as if my life isnt random enough lets just throw something else in the mix. ok yesterday and then again today job offers. one would require me to move the most awesome city in the states. san diego. o, yeh baby and right on the beach. i would have a place to live, right on the beach. gosh that is a hard one. and then today someone called me about working for them. all of this is out of the blue sky. just falling or so it seems. crazy. but im not doing anythign until i know if i am going to Africa, that is my first choice. but if Papa decides no, then i will have options. well that is bizzare. so yeh,i know that something major is about to happen. my life is about to be completely different in a months time. i can feel it. im not sure what it is, but it is something. so yeh...ok

learning

the more i live the more i learn, the more i learn about myself. the more i know about what makes me tick, or what doesnt. im learning my true self. the good and the bad. im learning that i get annoyed at God more than i thought. and the more i live the more i have to ask for forgiveness and for Papa to cleanse me of an unclean heart. well the part of man that hasnt been rid of yet. im learning that it is ok. im learning that when i dont have the strength to do it, God will. im learning that i am really weak, but that is the strength God likes to use. im not sure what my life is gonna look like in the next 30 days, but im pretty sure it has to look different than what it does right now. im learning in a world that wants to be oblivious to what is going on around it, im learning that God is more real than even i know. and i like that.

a new subject...not

i am His bride. i am His bride. He loves me. no matter what. but with that said it makes me want to be a little better. i want to please Him and i know that i do just being me. but it makes me come to this place where i am like God purge me of everything that does not look like you. I know that i dont have to ask Him that but i am. bc i want it so bad. right now i can fully say that i am going thru a cleansing. He is coming back for a spotless and blameless bride. i want to look like that. so He has permission to do that. i just want Him. do you hear me God, i just want you. i dont want to run from my issues. have mercy Lord. i dont wanna run anymore. I need your life. you are the source. you are my light. you are it. you do it for me. whatever you want me to look like i will . i just want you. have mercy.

today i was having ice cream with some friends. and randomly not bc we were talking about it he said "priscilla for not wanting to get married you surely talk about guys alot." which to him i do not talk about guys at all. i think he was just being a pain. trying to get to me. it didnt work but it did make me think. so i should clarify myself. it isnt about whether i want to get married or not. of course i would like to. who doesnt. but if i dont, it isnt the end of the world. and my reasoning for not wanting to get married would be more of a fear issue. it is easier to be single. and i am pretty content to be single. i just want to chase after God. if i ever get married i want my husband to love God as much or more than i do. i dont want to sacrafice my relationship with Jesus for a man. that isnt worth it to me. i love Him to much. so it isnt a question of whether i want to or not. of course i do. it is question of whether i will or not. either way. i am content with the outcome. i am enjoying my singleness for now.

stranded

stranded in this place
only to be abandoned to Him
once again here is my heart
here is my soul
this is my only part to play
to give it all.

im starving for your attention
hungry for your touch
trying desperately to hide it
putting it off
living in a place where
there is no where to reach me
ive been in self destruct for so long
this place with walls around it
walls of steel, walls that are strong
you touch them, only to fall
im crumbling inside, your arms opened wide
im standing back, looking on
only wanting to believe, although i can not see.
im stuck, i cant move, im not sure i can do this again.
i so desperately want to. but will He follow thru.
you are my question, you are my answer.
if i dont believe, i can not see.
i want to run, run into your arms
teach me Lord, to believe, to see, to trust, to love.
can you reach me? im malnourished, im in need.
im afraid. there is fear. what will happen?
my heart is filled with tears
i know you are good.
i know you are good.
i left but now im back
this has been the cycle
leave and then return
my heart desperately wants to learn
your ways, what it is you say
how you think
your mysteries
teach me o, Lord
you captivate me
saturate me
im scared, please dont
that hurts, can i go there?
this love it is feroious
a force with no limits
one focus in mind
it will reach me
ready or not here i come
you cant hide, im gonna find you

so here i am again
stranded in this place
only to be abandoned to Him
once again here is my heart
here is my soul
this is my only part to play
to give it all.

random

i love it when i ask Papa for clarity and He gives it to me. it is funny to, when he seems to know when im really asking and when i am just venting. i mean of course He knows He is God. but i still think it is great. well there is alot going on right now but when is there not. but you there are seasons when you feel like talking about it and then seasons when you dont.well this is one of them. and my seasons usually last days..haha. i miss katieann. i had so much fun with her. thanks mallory. i love you too. amd miss you to bc today i didnt hear from you which is odd. i usually get a 9 am call and today nothing. i was worried, i called your phone and marks a dozen times. i was like is she dead and cant call, is she ok? well finally i ask HS and He tells me "her phone is in the car" but that was only hours ago when i asked. i should have asked sooner, would have saved me from a panic attack. haha well anyways. i am so blessed. i do believe i have the most amazing friends ever. katie, mal, laura, steph, vange, i really truly do. thanks Jesus for such awesome people in my life

in awe

I just had some of the best few days with my best friend katieann. I love her so much. she makes me laugh from a part of my stomach that i didnt know existed. she seriously is so stupidly funny it is stupid. her trip here was an amazing gift from my other best friend here. she flew her out for my birthday. what an awesoem gift. we havent got to just hang out and laugh like that in years. we laughed and laughed and then laughed some more. i love her so much. just so you didnt know..haha!

Im so in love with my Jesus. I love Him so much and truly know and believe that i could be celebate for the rest of my life. bc I just want Him. He is so amazing. THANK YOU PAPA. thank you for sending your son. thanks for making me His bride. thank you for loving me like you do, so in return i can learn to love like you. thanks for being such an amazing example. You are. You just ARE. Jesus i wanna stay desperate for you. I wanna stay so desperate. I love you so much. so freakin much.

i dont know/ to mallory

i have no clue what is happening. i think my heart might be confused as to what it is feeling and why. one moment i think yes and the next im not so sure. will it happen? i dont know. will i go? im not sure. do i want it? yes! Yes!YES! i do. i really just dont know. i can say with full confidence... i dont know. do i believe God is good..YES i do! but im not sure what to think right now of the current state that i am in and what that involves of me. here lately i have been feeling sick alot. maybe it is demons manifesting themselves in me.. haha and im not kidding. i think i need serious deliverance. .... so on that note...

Mallory- i love you so much and you are a much needed friend in my life. words, expressions, love doesnt seem strong enough to describe to you what my heart feels for you. so to the best of my ability of how much i love you. I LOVE YOU. maybe you will never really know until we get to heaven how much I love you. i would be a sad case here in nashville without you. girl, i just love you. i just do.
thanks for the party, you are truly amazing and it was a wonderful gift. the best birthday yet. thanks so much love ya.

learning

i was reminded of something today. something that Papa told me a year ago. He was telling me about Love and what Love looks like and what His "GOOD" looks like. He told me that His "good" is different than my "good". He gave me the scripture that talks about His ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He told me that, i might look at something that might seem bad to me bc it isnt convient, bc it might hurt, that tribulation isnt a good thing. but here is the thing, He says that we will go thru tribulation and that perserverance will be our friend, and that in the end we will be better for it. So He looks at the end picture and calls it beautiful, so when He sees us taking each step, He knows the end result so He can call it beautiful. His good looks different than our good. and then He went on about Love how true love is ferocious. love will kill you. it isnt convient, and it dosent always feel good. being vulnerable, being able to truly love will cause you to die. if you have ever listened to Heidi Baker she talks about it often. for her to do what she does, God is always killing her. it is something that happens often. to die, enables you to love. I want to love, I asked the Lord to teach me how to love, i guess that is why i am dying. i am learning how to trust my father, who is always GOOD. He is the perfect teacher for Love, im learning from the best and i have a long way to go.

strange

well today was a weird day. around noon i got this overwhelming feeling that i was in trouble, the feeling that something was wrong. and then i thought it was about someone else, and then i thought it was about our country. So when i first noticed it i started praying in the spirit. and i knew to do that until it let up. for over an hour i felt it. it was very overwhelming and i started to cry, and repent. it was very ..... well it just was. i dont know really what it was about but i just know that it was strong. it actually lasted for serveral hours. and honestly even now as i write this, something is going on and i dont know what it is, icant put my finger on it. there is something in the pit of my stomach. im not sure what it is... Papa please show me how to pray. i actually think that im going to go to church now. im feeling that pretty strong. im not sure why but im leaving now. ok bye

still

so last night i gave up, or so at least i thought. omg... it feels like a constant tug of war inside of me. me pulling for control, and HS pulling for control. i mean really who is stronger, well of course HS is. He will win, im sure of it, but right now im not sure that i can let go of it. i mean nothing else in my life is in control, im always outta control... hahha and in most circumstances i ca handle it, just not this one. im not sure that i can do it. i keep hearing that song, ready or not here i come. which is also part of hide n seek. and the fact that i know what is going on, and that HS knows that i know what is going on, almost makes it even worse. well i guess we will soon find out what is to come of it. one day at a time right. HA. we are still in the rink. i'll lose i know but im still fighting. it is stupid huh? it is kinda like the enemy, he loses in the end but yet he is still trying to win. OMG... im like the devil...haha..im so extreme sometimes, only sometimes though. haha but really that is what it is like. and here is the thing, i dont have free will anymore. when i said Jesus i am completely devoted to you, I AM YOURS, my LIFE belongs to YOU. i gave it up. i gave up control, so why then do i still want it so badly. well that is what He wants to rid me of. Im being purified that is for sure.

TORTURE

talking about serious DELIVERANCE, i need it. i mean really, seriously, fully. i need HIM in the worst way.


JESUS YOU CAN COME BC YOU ARE ANYWAYS....SO I GIVE UP....YOU WIN! I'LL STOP FIGHTING YOU ON THIS. IT WILL BE MUCH MORE PLEASANT IF I DO!!!

only His

have i ever told anyone that i just want Jesus. im not confused. it isnt a hard decision. it is the simplest decision that i have ever made. i just want Him. no one else will do. i just want Jesus. He is the only one that i want to give my heart to. the thought of sharing it with anyone else makes me sad. i just want Him. i am His and His alone. He is my choice. just Him, only Him. i am His. i am His, in the middle of the night, at the end of the day, when i first wake up, i am always His. i am only His. He owns my heart and only He can give it away. I love Him. He is mine and I am His. I can live with that.

more issues

well let me see what today was. it was a day full of me manifesting. well actually the last week has been that, and i can feel it escalading into a giant something that is about to burst. im not sure exactly what to do about it and where to go with it. so after talking with mallory i realized it is bc i am going to africa and all this stuff is coming up to deal with it so i can be as free as possible when i go. o yeh, for you that dont know, i applied to go to Heidi's school in mozambique. i will find out soon if i am accepted. i have a good feeling that i will but soon we will find out. anyways, so today what happened was this. a man came up to me(funny that is was a man, where my issues lie) and told me that one of the last places God was touching on me was tenderness. which made me manifest. bc first of all that made me feel like he was saying i was mean, harsh, uncaring. and that is everything a woman isnt. so it was almost like he was telling me i wasnt womanly. OUCH. that hurt, made me mad actually. he went on about a husband, and i stopped him in mid sentence and was like well actually i dont want to get married. i am more than content with Jesus where i am. i like it being just me and Him. so he didnt go there and proceeded with his word that i need to be MORE tender. you know what that says to me... priscilla you arent enough! you need to be more than what you are. and you know what i say to that. keep it! that is why marriage doesnt look appealing to me. i cant be anything more than what i am. so after that, i sat with Papa in my car..soon to be home. and we sat and talked for a bit. and this is what he said to me. Priscilla he should have used a different word. i was thinking more like, i have you in a season of you being more vulnerable, im taking you to that place where i am requiring you to be vulnerable. He went on, but that made me feel alot better. but still there is something in that man telling me that. i dont know how to be anything more. you know women already deal with so much anyways, and that in particular. either we are to much or not enough. in my case i think i am getting both. i just cant deal with that....you know women want to be desired and wanted just as they are. i cant be anything else but me, is that not enough? am i not enough? i cant deal with it. i cant handle it. please i dont want it. i want to be single forever. i just want Jesus. He thinks i am plenty. not to much and He thinks i am enough. yeah, i am a strong woman, but you know what, i am also sensitive. i just cant deal. i just cant.

again..that place

more than words can say... i need you. show me your face Papa. Show me your face Jesus. What does that look like? i hear you telling me to take the step, to look again, to go there and although i know you think i might be ready, i dont know that i am. how did i get here Jesus? and are you really asking me to go there or is it just my fear that leads me there? once again im not sure. i just know that i need you. i need you. i need you. i know what this requires, i know what you are asking of me and i really dont think that i can do this. i asked you to give me a reason to go to that place and you said "arent I enough?" man that got me bc you are...more than enough. you are the only reason i need but apparently it is taking me some time, baby steps, i even need my hands held bc i cant stand on my own. i was processing this with mallory and that is always helpful, but right now i need Jesus, i need to process this with Him. give me something profound, something simple, anything that will help. just let me be with you. i love you Jesus. I just love you.

let my heart be alive

just let my heart be alive, let me be living deep deep on the inside...
come fan the flame...

as i listen to a little bit of misty...singing do what only You can do, come fan the flame.
that is my prayer, my constant desire. God fan the flame, let my heart be alive, let me be living deep deep on the inside. I hear Him say ok. and He asks me a question. "Priscilla my love, are you willing to go there so your heart can be alive, so you can live deep on the inside?" I know what that implies. this is a question that i know is a question that i dont want to answer. bc i really dont want to go there. i mean lets be honest. put it all out there. if i go there, that means issues i have to deal with. bc to truly live the way i want to, i have to be completely free. you see, really all i want is more of God. and for me to get the more of God that i want, i have to deal with my crap so i can get closer. that is the only way. but there is fear on my part, fear of what will happen when i do go there? the unknown? will i get hurt, oh no, i will have to deal with the hurt that i have just lived in denial about bc it is so much easier. i mean really lets just be real. who really wants to deal with there crap? no one. it is painful, it hurts. in that going there you realize your faults and others and who wants to think about that stuff. not me that is for sure. if i go there, that means that i will have to be vulnerable again, potentially get hurt, potentially be disappointed, let down, and honestly i just dont think that i can do it. i want to but the fear seems a little bigger than the desire to go there at this point. when i said that IHOP wasnt what i expected that is what i meant. everytime i got in His presence He was like lets deal with this. so many times i just had to get up and leave bc i just couldnt go there. it honestly made me so mad. i was like what the crap God? i jsut wanna be with you and you keep bringing up this issue and i cant go there right now. but He is just as persistent as my stubborness. He keeps bringing it up, to the point that i cant go any further until i deal with this one thing. so here i am tonight, almost in melt down mode bc i know that it is time. i have to get before the feet of Jesus and deal with this one thing. He is doing exactly what i have been asking Him for, fan the flame, more of you God, more love, burn my heart with fire, He is doing it...our ever faithful God. He always is faithful. So for my heart to be alive and for me to live deep, deep on the inside is to get rid of my crap. it is funny, when you ask Papa to love more, to have more of Him, and He asks you to be vulnerable and love people. are you willing to go there? if and when He asks that question, you better not answer until you are for sure. bc you will go there and if you answer yes for the sake of saying yes...you will die and it will be painful. just be honest with Him. so bc Papa told me that the more of Him could only come after this was taken care of, and my desire for Him is greater than anything else. and after days and days of torment and arguing with God, i have said yes, i will go there. i just didnt understand on this particular issue why, im good, why? but He is God and apparently He knows better than I. so i will trust in Him and His goodness. So here goes alot of crap hopefully out of me. I guess we will see. Jesus i need you. this is for you. well really more for me, but only bc i want more of You.

thanks

all i want to say is THANK YOU! i love you(my friends)so freakin much. i am so blessed to be loved so much. I dont think that my words could ever express how much love i have in my heart for you. Mallory i am so rich to have someone like you in my life. even now my heart is overwhelmed with love for you. please dont ever leave me. i dont how i would survive. thank you to all the people that helped with my amazing gift. i love it so much i am using it even now, writing this. Josh you made the night. i dont think i have ever laughed as hard as i did last night. at one point i felt my face turning blue, bc i clouldnt breathe litterally, you are amazing no matter how lazy you are. i absolutely love you. colin, yes you are amazing also. you made a great speech and cant wait for our movie to come out. it is gonna rock. fitzy's, i am just blessed that you came, just that in itself mademe feel loved. i mean c'mon now, dave and peggy came to my bday party and then stood up and told me how much they loved me. now that is priceless. lauren, well it was just good to see you since i havent really in the last 2 months. to everyone else thanks, i love my gift it is AMAZING! love it. love it. love it!!!!! did i tell u that i love it.

what happened

we are getting closer to the city. my stomach is churning, my spirit can feel what is about to happen. and it is making my insides manifest in a good way. i feel the intensity that is about to happen, do i know what im getting myself into. no i dont! but i dont care im just desperate. i get out of the car and i go inside shannons houses and i immediately start getting blasted. it is time. it is time to go to IHOP. we start walking across the apt. complex to go to IHOP, and at one point it was like i walked thru another dimension. i litterally was in another world, cant explain it you just had to walk thru it to. we get to the sidewalk of the base and it gets so hard to breathe and walk. i stop for a second and all of a sudden im down on the ground weeping. i dont know what happened, i just know something did. i hadnt even gotten in the prayer room.