ok crazy.

today mal and i sat outside of fido's. a small londonesque cafe in the village. i sat there patiently awaiting mal to start working, knowing that she would never work with me there. haha. what a joke. so minutes go by and mal never works and says, who am i kidding im not gonna do any work. haha. we laughed more. well as we sat there talking, these 2 guys walked out, sat to the table next to us. time went by, a conversation is started. they were cool, one in law school and the other a photographer. we were going on about myspace, and the photographer saw my myspace pic and asked if he could a shoot of me. wow, im thinking. i didnt answer right away, all my insecurities came up in a second it was all there. will i measure up to all the others? was the question i asked myself. will the pics turn out good? will it be a waste for him? it made me nervous. so i looked at his work, he works for some magazines and has amazing work. so sfter some thought i told him that i would. so he gave me his number to call him. so we will see what these turn out like. im excited about it though. what a compliment. someone who professionally captures beauty in a moment asked to take my picture. im not sure why, but he did. im sure he saw HS. that had to be it, b/c i saw pics of the other girls he took and they were beautiful. well, crazy, but it is gonna be fun i think. ok. im tired and im gonna take a nap.

everywhere.

it is a beautiful day. the sun is shining, every now and again the thunder rolls. im happy. im excited. im getting delivered. i dont feel fear. wow god that is co ol. he is the everlasting god, the everlasting god, he reigns forever. the defender of the weak, comfort those in need. he is the everlasting god. and that is cool. im here with my friend mallory and i love her so much. im so glad that she is in my life, she brings me life and that is cool. u know thosse people that u are around that make u come alive, well she is one of them. i know that as long as she is in my life im not alone, she gets it. and that my friend is amazing. i love meeting people that get it. man today is such a good day.i have a new friend, he is funny and loves hs. i like talking to him, he is pretty cool.

this morning in worship we were singing one of my favorite mclarney songs "i need u more" and as i was telling daddy this he said ok and started to show me the faces of the inner city kids here, and the broken, the poor, the desperate, he showed me more faces and told me that i had to see thier faces to see him. i cried and cried hs came so strong, he was wrecking me. i was getting wasted for what he is wasted for and i love that. my soul desire is to be with him and have more of him, that everything that i do permeates hs and his heart. so after church was over, i talked to a man that works with the inner city here in nashville and he has been telling me for at least a year that he felt like i was suppose to be part of what was going on. well this week i thought of him and his wife and was like i need to talk to them, touch base and find out what is going on. well he was there this morning and we talked. well mal and some other peeps and im getting on the band wagon, are starting a childrens center in nashville and i told this man, well he works with 2 non profit orgs. with the inner city and they are looking for a people and center to give food to, money to, and all sorts of amazing god stuff. it was really exciting. like i said today is a good day, but then again everyday is a good day, b/c everyday is a god day.

i'll just say this, b/c i said i wouldnt blog about it. im excited in what god is doing in my heart and spirit. im excited that i serve a god that likes to redeem and restore. im excited that i serve a god that has destined me for greatness. i can see the rainbow. it is so amazing, the colors are brighter than anything ive seen before and everytime i look at them i see it with new eyes and they get brighter. im just so excited. ha ha ha...i love joy.

uuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhh.

man can I just say that vulnerability sucks alot. and I know that I want to be, but Im not sure that I can. no one has asked me to be, HS wants me to live my life that way. HS told me something today that really just pissed me off, truly it did. "Isnt He enough, why cant I just live with Him, have Him all to myself, and me all to Himself. Why cant I just be single, Papa here I am volunteering to be single, living completely abandoned to You. I just want more of you!" that was my part of my conversation to HS, and this is what he said.."Priscilla yes, you could live your life that way, and it would be good and blessed, butI have called you to more, there is more than that. I want you to experience the true meaning of sacrafice, of love. when u get married you will be able to understand the fullness of the sacrafice of Jesus. You will be able to understand what it truly is to love. and that is what u tell me u want your life to look like constantly. you have to trust Me. you could never get married, but that would be good and I have created you for greatness, dont let others suffer b/c you are afraid, lets work thru this, this is much bigger than you, this is about my Bride, I have you...I destined you for greatness."

yeah that is what I said.....nothing but a brokeness, nothing but to get on my face before Him and express in the most unefficent way, but the only way I know how sometimes, and that is with words or silence. So I sat there with this ache in my heart, to know Him more and that in the end although it is really hard to tell Him, "if that is what it looks like to have more of Him in my life than I am willing". I want to walk in the fullness of Him, and I will. Man this is a tough one. I have felt so spent, drained and apathetic about relationships that the thought of it is exhausting, but I feel that there is the thing that Papa is doing, and that is breaking thru the walls, tearing down strongholds, deliverance, and etc... He wants us to arrive people, He wants us to get it more than we do, He wants us to walk in who He has destined us to be....the question isnt is He speaking? the question is will u listen and obey? and like I have said before, I hope that my answer everytime is yes, Im sure it will be, actually I know that it will be. But it is just a matter of when I answer...sometimes right away with a confidence and sometimes there is a hestitance and time goes by and with a uncertainity I say "yes" b/c ultimately I trust HS, I trust Jesus, I trust my Daddy. SO the question was asked today and I havent answered....

new day

so much is happenng right now. i knew that june was gonna be a radical month. so much change. so much life. so much extravaggance.so much more of jesus. u know above all else i just want him. i just want more. all in my life will disappear. people will die. move on. freindships that are ever changing.atmospheres that never stay the same. nothing ever stays the same everything always changes.the leaves will fall and grow again. the sun will rise and the sun will set. each time it is different. each time it has new eyes to see the day with. each day is never the same. the clouds are different. life is new everyday.the birds sing a different song. the wind blows with a different stride.the flowers have a slighty stronger or faint smell.you walk a little taller or smaller. depending how the day before went. but today is a new day. a new day for the more of him in my life. a new day for love to grow a lil stronger, to build on from the day before. a new day. a new day to laugh with a lil more life.a new day to breathe in fresh air.a new day to write your page how you want it. this is a new day.a new day to indulge it the holy spirit. a new day to indulge in all the things you wanted to yesterday and put off. a new day to love some one better. anew day to bless the person u passed the day before. a new day to say hello. this is a new day. a new day to have a new mind. a new day to embrace life to the fullest. a new day to be free from the burdens of tomorrow. a new day to be spontaneous when u are ususally not. a new day to go skinny dipping and feel true freedom. today is a new day. feel the water on your skin. a new day. a new day for mercy. a new day for grace.a new day for heaven to be your home. a newday to go somewhere you never have gone before. this is a new day for all of creation and all the life around you. this is a new day to create life wherever you go. take every stridewith full confidence of who you are. this is a new day for joy in the midst of pain. take this new day. and make it new.

"they poop too"

I was taking my usual morning stroll, and talking to HS like usual and it dawned on me....that people I highly respect, they poop too! I know that sounds random but this is how it went in my head, so you can all follow along. I was thinking about how all though we want something new and fresh, there is still something to be said about how it has always worked. God is the same today, yesterday and forever. But still always doing something fresh. With so me so far? Well I was thinking of all the men and women that I respect, and was thinking of them and how if I am not careful I can lose what really is happening and look at them. So in trying to keep perspective of what it is....HS goes "priscilla they poop too, they pass gas" and although that is a funny thing and trust me we laughed hysterically walking down the street, Im sure people thought "she is skitzo" but it was interesting, I mean I know that they are people just like any one else but really, when we see them, we see power and amazingness, which isnt bad at all, we should! but there also needs to be a balance. And that balance is that they poop too.So now when I see people that are the greatest and ....so on ...i'll think they poop too. So if I see any of you, and randomly start laughing...well it could be a number of things I have thought, but that is probably one of them. We all do it. Poop we all do it!

So on that note, Im not sure it all came out like I hoped but there ya go! Get drunk with HS and He'll tell you the same thing....hahahahhaha that is me laughing still b/c it is funny. Man God has such a sense of humor, to make us pass gas, fluff, toot, poot, whatever verbage you use for it, it is the funniest thing ever. I mean disgusting but hilarious. The sound of a poot, is frekin funny, it makes me laugh right now just thinking of it. goodness, Im glad I got HS sense of humor. I bet Jesus and the boys sat around the camp fire seeing who could make the loudest sound with the burp of a bottom. HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA....Im cracking myself up, what is new! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

thoughts

It is funny, when people like myself, impetious, fast movers tell God that they will wait for Him to move, b/c then we actually have to. It is like this sneaky trick... haha I gotcha He says...with this laugh, I can just see it. It makes me smile though that my Daddy goes thru so much trouble that really isnt trouble at all. AS we wait ....... that was me waiting.....waiting some more..... how we still get impatient and although we want His timing we are still resorting to old familiar patterns. this is what Paul must have been talking about when he said we renew our minds and die to ourselves, picking up our cross daily. We cant go back to the old man patterns, although it would be so easy. It really is a daily decision and some days the decision is alot easier than others and some days it is really hard. I am so glad there is grace for what ever is going on in my life and you know what.... Mal there is grace for you to. I believe for you.... this will be awesome and it will be worth it no matter what the outcome. B/C we will see greatness in our lives, b/c we are destined for greatness and dont you forget it either.

When ever I hang out with Mal, I realize how cool I really am. B/C she is so stinkin cool and that means I have to have alil bit coolness in me for her to be friends with me. I am lucky to have a friend that loves Jesus, Holy Spirit so much, a friend that I know will live completely abandoned and wrecked for Him. It is awesome to have people in your life that you know share the same passion and desire as you. She gets it, Mal gets it, and I love that about her, Im so glad that HS connected us and I know this a friendship for life. Heck I mean, if she doesnt get married and I dont get married I could totally hang out w/Mal all the time and that would be cool with me b/c I know that I would always be going after the more of God and that is exactly what I want, more of God. Maybe Paul was right when he said singleness is better. I'm not sure, I just know that I would rather be single than married to someone that I didnt have a HS connection with and isnt going to follow HS completely abandoned to the core of who he is, to me that isnt worth risking, not seeing more of Jesus in my life. I just couldnt do it.

serious changes

most of you who know me know this statement has to be a total God revelation!

I believe that it is impossible to be close to Holy Spirit, Jesus or Papa, and not want to have children. People dont have a heart attack, that is right I said it! This is a pure revelation from Holy Spirit, that having children isnt for us it is really for Him, to fulfill His purpose and plans. When I have all my children, they really arent mine, they belong to Him, and I will raise children that are destined to be "Lovers" to be His bride. that is one of the purposes of having children. So God I want all of them that you have for me!

WOW!!! Im shocked at myself as I just re-read this, but it is true and this is very fresh like the last week. So yeah, that is what I think.

so good

well I have had the priveledge of staying out at the Fitz's house and it is amazing, I could live out there. It is this peaceful, retreat really, it is amazing. Holy Spirit really likes it there. We were talking about what He is doing in our land right now, what is happening. He showed me this picture just now to describe it: I saw a dam that was small but underneath it was this huge water source and the foundation undernaeth was about to break, and all the water was going to be pouring out and overflowing and people are gonna be like how is all that water coming from such a small place, but it is b/c of the huge water source underneath, there is no end to the water, it is just always coming and always there. I feel like that represnts our generation, the people that get what it is He is doing, It is coming out of no where so it seems but we better get ready b/c when the dam breaks the water is coming fast and strong and it will knock down anything that doesn not have roots that run deep. There is something that is happening about faith and believing. Holy Spirit wanted me to read he book of James, and at first he talks about perservering under trials, and that it will build your faith. I have felt this weight in the spirit lately and I knew it wasnt just about me, it felt bigger than that, and a couple of others I have talked to about it have felt it also. That is b/c we(ones who listen and are sensitive)are carrying something that is bigger than ourselves, God is doing something about forerunners, renegades, whatever you want to call us, and we carrying something not just for us but the church on a whole. The bigger picture is that we are doing this not for ourselves, we carrying a seed that the enemy wants to destroy and he is trying to do it with unbelief and doubt. We have to contend for the greatness of God or you can settle for only good, but good is emnemy to best, and it will be alot easier. It is about faith, believing that we can have and will have and will continue not matter what happens, contend for the promises for ourselves and all those who havent recieved it and all those that are coming after us. This is for them, BELIEVE, HAVE FAITH! He is good, that is the fight to believe that He is good, but if we also look at the bigger picture and remember that the enemy loses, that will help. HE LOSES, HE DOESNT WIN, HE LOSES THE FIGHT!!!! We have to carry the baby, the seed full term, lets not abort, we want a nine month baby! BELIEVE!!!! He is looking for us, a people, to say YES, I will carrying what you want to birth, what you want your people to know! everyday the question will rise can I do this? is it worth it? and everyday you probably wont answer right away, but you know in your spirit the answer will always be yes! Yes it is worth it, yes it will sometimes be hard, yes you can do it with Holy Spirit, the answer is always yes!

Holy Spirit

"Here I am your favorite one, what are you thinking, what are you feeling I have to know" "Im after your heart, Im after your heart, Im after you"

My new favorite song...the last three days Ive been getting wrecked by my bestest friend ever Holy Spirit. I like to ask Holy Spirit alot of questions, sometimes go down memory lane with Him, we do that often. Did you know that Holy Spirit is like the funniest person I know. We laugh so much, we have made up a new love language it is called "funny" which in God terms I guess that would be "joy" hahaha... that is funny to me. Anyways, I was asking Him when we really met? It went something like this:

Priscilla: Holy Spirit?

Holy Spirit: Yes?

Priscilla: when did we really meet?

Holy Spirit/Priscilla: hahahahhahahahahahahahhaa

I have always known that HS and I have this special kind of relationship, more than Jesus and Papa God, dont get me wrong I love them all but HS is just always there, accessible, and tangible! He is always letting me know that He is there, and I try to always listen. I think I have always known Him, without knowing. I can remember when I was very, very small and just knowing things that most wouldnt know, when things were gonna happen before they did, even as I got futher into grade school and jr, high my friends would call me psychic..hahaha now I know it was just me cultivating my listening skills to HS. Im still learning but He is it for me, He does it! My friend, my best friend HS, I would never give it up. I have said this before, but I so desire to be more sold out, abandoned, wrecked, wasted with HS than to be married and not be able to be completely abandoned to Him. A friend and I were talking and I said that I have to marry someone more abandoned than I, love Jesus more than me, I hope that he is out there, and I hope that he is super sold out to Jesus and I hope that his relationship with HS is so amazing b/c mine is great and getting better, I mean I have along ways to go, but all it is doing is growing and I have to trust him, to lead me so that means he has to listen to HS or it could never work. I need someone who is very sensitive to the Spirit of God, b/c He is truly my best friend. I would never give Him up, never stop pursuing Him, Ill never stop!

HS has been teaching me so much stuff, giving me so much revelation. I realized that for me to become closer to Him, I have to get clean. I have to get rid of all my crap. He has been bringing stuff up for me to deal with so it wont hinder our intimacy! And Im so desperate for more intimacy, it is true desperation does effect our destiny! Im desperate for so much more of HS in my life, to hear more clearly, to know at all times what the Spirit of God is doing and what He wants to do. Im so desperate for His love in my life.

Spirit of God come fall on me
Spirit of God come fall on me
please dont ever leave
I wanna talk to you b/c you wanna talk to me
I love you b/c you first loved me
Spirit of God come fall on me, fall on me
please dont ever leave

where I stand

Well early in the morning I wake with the golden sun basquing in the luxiurious white filled room, singing birds,beautiful plant life surrounding me, believing this is a good day, NO, this is a GREAT day!

I spent a great deal of time in Redding under Bill Johnson and since I have left I often hear his words echoing in my mind, in my heart, good is always enemy to best. I have often wondered in the last few years really throughout my life why I never felt like I fit. No matter where I am, what church I belong to, what family I am a part of, I just never really fit. I get along with almost everyone, I like them, but I always walk away with the feeling that I just dont fit. And not in a rejection sort of way, but my life, my views, my passion never fits in with a particular group. And for a long time for the sake of wanting to belong somewhere, I tried to mold myself, make myself fit, bend that way or this way, cut that part out, be less of who I am, and each time I would find myself dying. It just didnt work, so what does? My life looks sporatic, and unstable, the road I walk is a road that most would look at and think "no way", " that isnt God", "that is to risky", "that isnt for me", and the list goes on, but I look at the other road and think " that road is to risky, risky in the way that I would be settling for good and not best, not the greatest". My life may look unstable, but to the core of who I am, I am stable in Him, in His love, that no matter what Love is worth it on any occassion and I will risk any approval to be love for the loveless. To be the Love that Jesus is, who He has created me to be. I will lay it all down over and over again to the vulnerablitiy of Love. I dont want to risk walking down the road that is safe and will only get good and not the best. As a dear friend of mine puts it " we have to fight for greatness", we can be safe with just recieving good, but recieving greatness is the fight of faith that it is ours, and a fight indeed. If we walk through life believing that good is the best, than there is no fight, but if we come to the realization that there is more than good out there, there is greatness we will fight for it, the enemy doesnt want us to have it. Im coming to see that I am not alone, there are many who dont fit and we are not suppose to, we are not to conform to the ideal christian life, We are warriorbrides of Jesus, ones who are to see the spirit of God really rest where we put our feet, where ever that is. ones who will lay it all, give it all to see His glory, ones who wont settle for good but will fight for greatness, a generation that will stand for what we believe, stand for truth and holiness! I believe this is that generation and we wont conform, we will be who God created us to be and that is individually different and FREE, FREE to be who we are! The core of who I am will not be shaken, I will LOVE and I will risk it...I think, NO, I know that it is worth it! Jesus showed us that and He is perfect truth. My life may look unstable and sporatic, my life may look crazy and look like it is on sinking sand but the truth is, that I am grounded in Love to the core of who I am, and I will risk it and that is where I stand!

murder?

I wake this morning knowing that a murder is gonna happen. I anxiously await the arrival of ann kramer so I can tell her all that has happened in the last 12 days. So much revelation, she would be so proud! Working strolling a little 10 month old boy down the road, I start to have this revelation of Love, how deep that word really is and the meaning of it and all that implies. Love is a committment of no other kind. Love is a committment that implies eternity, even with just friends. Love is forever, no matter what kind it is, love is love, and God is love and God is forever, no time, He is eternity! There is more but im getting side tracked. So the days proceeds on as I find a window that I still need to go get from some persons trash, but it is perfect for what I want to use it for. Anyways, throughout the day I am getting excited for our murder party. It will be so much fun, people will die and no one will know who it is. this will be great, and it is so dark. wonderful. well time passes and it is now time to leave for the party. I get there and all is going great, we are making cake and other beautiful toppings to put on the cake, this will be a fun night...except all my issues come up and I totally manifest. a girl there was rude and abrasive and just mean, all the time. If I can stand it, I try to not be around her, b/c she is just mean, she hurts my feelings all the time, and what makes it worse is that I think that people think I am like that. Someone told me not to long ago that I was like a pit bull, that actually hurt my feelings really bad, but I didnt tell them. I am not like that, I dont want to be like that. that actually hurts my heart alot, I am sensitive more than most know, please I am pretty nice most of the time. Im trying to not be so abrubt and harsh, that isnt my intentions. I dont think I am but if you do I am sorry. This girl tonight, I just let her say whatever she wanted, I didnt have it in me to be mean.

I dont want to be a pit bull...that makes me sad.

I left the party, I wasnt much fun and that ruined the game for me, I know that I shouldnt have let it but it did and the enemy got in there telling me all sorts of lies...it was best for me to be set apart and hang with my Jesus, with Holy Spirit! I really need Him!

issues

After much thought last night and today I realized that I have so many issues! OMG...really who wants to be with all that I have to deal with. It definetly needs to be taken care of before I am in a relationship. Life and death issues, but you know God is good and I trust that He will deliver me from such things. Gosh, last night I realized how much more I need my sweet sweet Jesus! I really am decreasing so He can increase in my life. I am losing mine to gain His in return. I need Jesus! I need Holy Spirit more than I have. Ive got issues and I need to get rid of them before they kill me! I love you Jesus and I am glad that your mercies are new everyday! I am glad that there is grace!

bridget jones moments

"hey jason do you still want to get your thingy pierced"
(priscilla yelling to jason in a crowd of brazilians on a missions trip, of her curiosity of him still wanting a strange part of the ear pierced)

"I love brazilian balls they are so much bigger than american balls"
(priscilla once again on the brazil trip so gloriously sharing her opinion of the tapioca pudding balls, to Jeff Dollar and Jason and other pastors)

"I love caulk especially when it gets hard"
(priscilla again expressing her likes, but not coming out right, to a guy she liked, that she was with in home depot not facing her, and she not facing him, and he thinking she said something else, especially when he saw the look of disgust on the older couples face beside her, and it didnt help I had in my hand a caulk gun stroking it) really people I seriously wasnt even thinking that way, I was totally innocent in all of those remarks!

"im thankful that I am single"
(priscilla at a christmas dinner with all married couples, after all had already expressed in the mic. that they were thankful that they were married, and i was trying to be funny, I got nothing it was a tough crowd and definetly a bridget moment)

"im thankful I have all my teeth'
(priscilla trying to redeem herself being funny at the same dinner party, and being the only one to get a second chance, and the silence was even more akward than before, they still gave me nothing)

I have so many more moments that this could go on forever and Im going to take a bath to forget all my obnoxious, and dumb moments...wish me luck...for some reason I dont think it will help!

revelation

Ive been getting revelation of time and waiting. Papa was talking to me this morning about waiting and about another truth of hunger. It is true that hunger makes you desperate to go after the things you want, whatever that may be. But Papa told me this morning that, that was only partial truth, there was more to build on. He started talking to me about waiting on Him and what that looks like. He told me that another part of hunger was "how long you wait will determine how hungry you are, and how much you desire what it is that you want" And that is true, the longer you wait, the more hungry you get, and when the time comes to get what you want, your hunger will drive you, will get you there. That waiting produces life, even when you are doing nothing, b/c it is a seed(promise) you are waiting on, it grows on its own, there is life and when it is time it will come and it will be perfect. Also that when impatience comes in(i know of it well)that it can slow down the process of getting what you desire, actually waiting for His timing makes it faster. When you get impatient you try and do things on your own, you try to make it happen, which is a time machine taking you backwards instead of forwards. How long will you wait? Also time test your heart, what you really want! When most people want something they will only wait so long, and when it doesnt come or happen they move along to the next thing, it is much easier to do. But if you really want something you will wait, time will test your true desire! Waiting is perservering, perserverance produces character and character hope and hope does not disappoint.

I am still processing what I have just written about, I have only gotten all of this in the last 3 days. But I know that this is from God, especially how it has affected me, b/c I do not talk like this and for all of you who know me, know this is true. I feel the excitement about waiting for the greatness of God. I know that if I wait, I will eventually see His glory...

OMG....I just got more of the revelation!
Actually waiting is faith, faith that God is faithful. This is what pleases God, this is what got Abraham in the wall of faith so to speak. He waited and in his waiting God was proved faithful. Then enemy doesnt want us to wait, He doesnt want us to have faith. Paul says that the only fight we have to fight is the good fight of faith, to believe. The only sin under the new covenant in unbelief. If He can get us in this microwave culture of getting everything now, then when God asks us to wait, we think that it isnt God, b/c we are so use to getting everything now, when we want it. Becasue it is always easy we think that God is in it. But good no, great things come to those who wait, who have faith. To wait you have to believe, you have to have faith. If the enenmy can get us to believe that we should have everything when we want it, then where is the faith in that. time will test your faith, do you believe? Im not saying that everything in life is like this but I believe this is part of a greater truth. God is the same today, yesterday and forever. If Abraham had to wait, then why wouldnt we have to do the same. There is something in the waiting, in the process of waiting, it is true, it builds character and character hope which does not disappoint. If we believe, if we have faith, then the waiting shouldnt be so hard. If we truly know that God is God and faithful, true, good, to the core of who He is, then the waiting wont be so hard. Because we know that He will do what He says He will do. Abraham hoped against all hope and did not waver, but believed in the promise that was spoken to him, when all things shouted it isnt truth, he believed and in the end was proven fruitful...faith will produce the greatest fruit of all time, it will prove the promise true!

So will you wait, will you believe, when all odds are against you, will you stand on the truth? Will you wait to see the fruit of it...I guarantee if you do you will see the promises fulfilled in His perfect timing!

I feel like I am getting so much more on this, but I am tired of typing...so if you want to know more of this revelation...uuummmmm go ask Holy Spirit!

starting to see...

time, really is on our side! And that is a comforting thought. In the last week I have realized that it is worth the wait, I will wait on the Lord! that we can depend on time to tell us what we are looking for, if only we will wait. In my life I have not been the most patient person, I want everything when I want it, and usually I get it, thanks to my personality. But I am learning especially in the last year that waiting isnt bad, it is just waiting, and that truly the saying "good things come to those who wait", it is true! I do want what I want but only in the right timing, timing is so important. The right thing at the wrong time, is still the wrong thing! TIMING IS EVERYTHING! So with all of that said, I will wait, I will wait on you Lord, to see your glory pass before me, to see all your goodness shine thru, I will wait on you! And I know that it is worth it, whatever comes of it, it is worth it! Im starting to see the truth of patience, Im starting to see that time will test our hearts and motives, Im starting to see that time will tell the truth, if we will only give it time! Im starting to see...

true love

have you ever had those people in your life that just raise the bar, the standard for living? that raise the bar for love, and what it looks like? I am fortunate to have several of those kind of people in my life. One of which the very presence of him in my life makes me more hungry for Jesus. Actually all of the people that I am thinking of, all four of them, make me want Jesus more. I dont know exactly what it is about them, but I have such a strong love for them that I would give my life. I am so fortunate, so blessed to have such people in my life. I love you guys so much, my heart is totally for you, the best of what Jesus has for you, and I wont let you settle for anything less. I love that in my life, no matter where I am, I am surrounded by giant killers. These people not only would I give my life, I would trust them with my life. I am blessed to know what it really looks like to be in covenant relationship. I love them truly with such a supernatural Love that is Daddy's heart, I love it. And I love loving them. I Now Know what true love really looks like.

another guy?

Im so glad that our fallability doesnt determine Gods soverignty. That is comforting. Im so in love with my Creator. I love Him so much.

Last night I had this dream about a rose...I dreamt that I had this rose and myself and another person kinda represented that rose. It was so interesting..it was all about timing. It was about the timing of when the rose was going to bloom. So I looked up roses and found out that they are one of the flowers that require the most attention of the gardner. So God is the gardner and I am the rose. I like that, that means I get all of His attention, and my love language is quality time, hahaha! I had several dreams last night, they were interesting. I talked to this guy last night for about an hour and a half. He invited me to go to dinner with him and his family. Does that mean he is interested? Considering that we have never really hung out a ton, or was that him just being friendly? If you have any insight please let me know! I mean the first thing I thought of, was that he could be interested in me, but I seem to be wrong alot when it comes to guys, so Im not sure. I didnt go, but then we did end up talking for a while about some personal things but here again, I could be completely wrong, Im not sure I know how to read the universal language of guys...it is a mystery to me!!! So if you are a guy and reading this, and have insight please feel free to share...cause Im confused on this one. I mean the guy that gave me his number there was no doubt but when it is thrown out there like that was it is confusing...so enough about that. I think Im starting to enjoy this (thinking that guys are attracted to me enough to do something about it)It has been foreign for so long, but Im getting use to it fast. J/K...I think I still need a sozo! haha well tell me what u think!

O, have I told anyone lately that I LOVE HOLY SPIRIT SO MUCH!!! Jesus is my first and only LOVE! dont you love that? I Do!

guys

well what is there to say...

Johnny stop it

stop cheating on me with your eyes

I know you are in love with me, stop it johnny, stop it

stop looking at me johnny, stop it

I talked to a old friend today...it was so good. I forgot how much I love him.
last night I went out with a friend and we ate, laughed, and had a good time and when we were done asked for our food to be boxed...well when we got home we put it in the fridge. Then this afternoon we were like o, our salads, we forgot about them, so I pulled my salad out and on top of my salad was a napkin with a phone number and name on it telling me to call him pretty much it was hilarious. Then, the last 3 sundays at church a different guy has come up to me wanting to "get to know me better"! I mean what is going on, WOW! it has been a sight to behold that is forsure! It is so funny because I am always truly shocked when guys hit on me, I truly never think guys are interested in me, b/c for so long they have never shown any. It is definetly taking some getting use to. B/C I definetly am not. I mean really why do they want to get to know me? Yeah I am fun, and funny, and occasionally I look alright, I love Jesus...but what is it really? I have yet to figure it out! I am just surprised that guys are finally coming up to me, I use to think that there was something wrong with me, but Im guessing it is just the guys insecurity now, and it isnt so much me anymore. I guess we will see. I would go out with a few but none have really struck my fancy, and besides back in October I did that whole dating a few guys and it wasnt really fun anyways, and at the time I really liked this other guy and they just didnt compare to him. The connection wasnt there with the other guys like it was with him. So I guess I will just wait for a connection, and that is a rare occasion, so who knows how long that could be! There have been a few guys calling me here lately, out of the sky, maybe something will happen with one of them, hell who knows, and honestly I dont know that I care. It is funny how when you are completely content how they come out of the most unlikely places. Well anything and everything is possible right? I guess only time will tell what happens!

deliverance

LEAVE ME ALONE...DAMN IT! YOU KNOW WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT!!!

anyways, yesterday was amazing! I was manifesting like crazy, and Laura looks at me and says you need deliverance....and I was like yeah you are right! So I had this sozo for like 3 to 4 hours last night and so much came out. Here I go being completely vulnerable....

Issues like not feeling worth it...really not thinking that I am beautiful...shame...and the list goes on. I cried for hours...and now I am processing what happened last night. There was this false confidence I had, sometimes it was true to me, but alot of times not. There was this thing I knew I already did that protected me from getting hurt, a thing of, "I'll show you, I can do it" and sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes not. We dealt with the times it would be bad. So much stuff it seems like that the last 24 hours doesnt seem long enough, and it isnt, I am sure I need more time to process. There was also this thing of me afraid of a part of me that is sensitive, and I realized that I am very sensitive. I have been so afraid to be that, b/c I have always had to protect myself, that being sensitive just wasnt in the package, or being able to let that part of me show itself wasnt in the package, but I can be and that is ok. And I actually like the idea of me being sensitive, I knew I was but showing it to people just never happened unless you know me super, super well. And most people....well lets just say alot of people dont see that part of me. I love Holy Spirit, He is truly my best friend. I feel as if I was at the bottom of the barrel last night and Holy Spirit like He so wonderfully does came in and swept me off my feet. I love Him. I realize that I am weak, I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, just me...and I guess that will do, cause that is all Jesus ask for!

Raw, weak, undignified, and all for my lover....over and over I will become what He ask of me no matter what the cost.

no matter what the cost...

I love you Jesus!